(Note: I work as IT support for hospitals and private practices.)

Me: “Thanks for calling. How may I help you?”

Nurse: “The doctor’s computer is broken.”

Me:  ”What’s wrong with it?”

Nurse:  ”Documents are no longer printing. Everything worked fine this morning. I think it’s gremlins.”

(I chuckle at the reference and get connected to her computer. It’s a simple fix, so it doesn’t take me long at all.)

Me: “There you go. Good as new.”

Nurse: “It’s working! What did you do?”

Me: “I opened the blinds and flooded the computer with sunlight, hopefully killing off all the gremlins!”

Nurse: *laughs* “Well, okay. Anything I can do to prevent this issue in the future?”

Me: “Don’t feed your computer after midnight?”

Client: “I am unable to print reports.”

Me: “Well, I’ll login remotely and check your system…”

(I login, open the program, select a random report and proceed to select “Print.”)

Me: “Is the report being printed?”

Client: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “Good. Well, there doesn’t seem to be a problem with your system. Anything else I can help you with?”

Client: “Yes, I still can’t print reports.”

Me: “…Do you need me to show you how to print a report?”

Client: “No, I can’t print a report because the screen is black.”

Me: “Hmm. Is there a green light burning on the power button?”

Client: “No.”

Me: “Press the power button, please.”

Client: “Now it works again. Why didn’t you tell me to do that straight away?”

Me: “…”

Related:
A Brain Is A Power-Ful Thing To Waste

(I work at a radio station. As such, I’ve discovered that the average IT certification doesn’t cover some of the specialized software we use in broadcasting. However, company protocol dictates I call tech support whenever a computer problem arises, which leads to frequent exchanges like this.)

Me: “Yeah, [computer program] is acting up. Could you dial in and…”

(I explain how to fix the problem.)

IT: “Hold on there; don’t get ahead of yourself.  I’m the IT professional and I’ll figure out how to fix it.”

Me: “Could you just assign the problem to [senior IT person]?  I usually deal with him and he knows how to fix it.”

IT: “Sir, I’ll have you know I’m well versed in most of the popular office software today.  I’m certain I can fix your problem.”

Me: *gives up* “Okay.”

IT: “Now, what’s the name of the computer program that’s giving you trouble?”

Me: *says name of program*

IT: “Huh. I’ve never heard of that program before. What does it do?”

Me: ”It plays all of our music, commercials, and pretty much everything you hear on the air on a radio station.”

IT: ”Wait. Are you telling me that if I start working with this program, I could knock you off the air?”

Me: “Yup.”

IT: “Um, well, I…”

Me: ”In fact, we’ve been off the air for about 10 minutes now, so it’s a bit of an emergency.”

IT: “Uh, who did you say usually looks after this?”

Me: ”[Senior IT person].”

IT: “Let me get him for you…”

(I am about to walk out of my office door to take a break. As I open the door one of the manufacturing managers is just standing there staring at me.)

Manager: “Hey, you got a minute?”

Me: “I was about to take a break, but sure.”

Manager: “Well, my computer is broken so you have to come and fix it.”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Manager: “The computer won’t wake up!”

Me: “What all have you tried?”

Manager: “I have been slamming on the keyboard keys for 20 minutes and nothing.”

(I notice that the screen is black and decide to investigate. His desktop unit is located under his desk.)

Me: “There, all fixed.”

Manager: “What was it?!”

Me: “It wasn’t turned on.”

Manager: “Witchcraft!”

(Our email server for the entire company has gone down. I am aware of the outage and get my small team to work on it immediately. Not five minutes goes by when the phone rings…)

Me: “Yes?”

Boss: “I AM NOT GETTING EMAIL!”

Me: “Right, I know. I just texted you that the servers are down. I’m working on it right now.”

Boss: “You need to resolve this ASAP.”

Me: “Uh… I am.”

Boss: “When will you have it fixed?”

Me: “I don’t know. It just went down less than five minutes ago. I was in the middle of trying to figure out what was wrong when you called.”

Boss: “You need to fix it ASAP!”

Me: “Yeah, I know; I am working on it.”

Boss: “Also, you need to email the entire IT department to let everyone know there is an outage.”

Me: “…Uh, how praytell do you want me to do that?”

Boss: “Email the IT group!”

Me: “Think about what you just asked me to do.”

Boss: “Oh… uh, guess you can’t email, can you?”

Me: “Nope. So, can I go back to fixing this now?”

Boss: “Well, make sure you email when it’s back up!”

Related:
Infinitely Loopy, Part 7
Infinitely Loopy, Part 6
Infinitely Loopy, Part 5
Infinitely Loopy, Part 4
Infinitely Loopy, Part 3
Infinitely Loopy, Part 2
Infinitely Loopy