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    Needs To Contract An Understanding In Contracts

    | CA, USA | Bosses & Owners, Criminal/Illegal

    (I recently finished an extensive project to install several computer systems for a new business. Afterwards, the owner paid me half of the agreed upon money with a check marked ‘full payment’. This is our conversation.)

    Me: *handing it back* “I think you made a mistake. This is half of what we agreed to.”

    Owner: *cheerfully* “Well, you see, the project ran over-budget, and since we were paying you so well we decided to just take the excess out of your paycheck.”

    Me: *stunned* “That’s not how this works. We signed a contract for an agreed sum and you’re trying to rip me off for half of it.”

    Owner: *laughing* “Oh, that silly thing! Yeah, I forgot to mention, my wife looked at it and said it was all wrong and that she could fix it easy.”

    (He pulls out the contract from a drawer, where I can immediately see about a dozen ‘corrections’ made in pen and pencil, cutting my pay in half as well as including a clause for unlimited on-call repair work for the next 15 years.)

    Me: “No. You owe me [total amount], which is due by the end of the week, and I clearly stated when I took this job I would only offer a two-year warranty for repairs.”

    Owner: “You can’t do that! You already signed the contract!”

    (I ended up going to small-claims court over this, where the judge openly mocked the business owner and his insistence that his ‘corrections’ to the contract were all perfectly valid and legal. The case was very quickly ruled in my favor.)

    Translate From Kryptonian

    | Israel | Coworkers, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (My coworker speaks English only as a third language so he does a lot of literal translations.)

    Coworker: “I’m feeling myself like Superman!”

    Me: “Um, you probably should not phrase it like that.”

    Coworker: “So, how would you say that you’re feeling yourself like Superman?”

    Me: “I wouldn’t.”

    The Right Left

    , | Chandler, AZ, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers

    (This occurs over the inter-office chat with my supervisor:)

    Supervisor: “Hey, [My Name], when you’re done with your call, or if you’re done, please AUX out to meeting and see me in the office next to [Manager]’s.”

    Me: “Will do.”

    Supervisor: “Thanks.”

    Me: “Left or right of office?”

    Supervisor: “Left.”

    Me: “Military left or blonde left?”

    Supervisor: “Technically right if you’re walking towards his office, lol.”

    Me: “So, blonde left, then.”

    Supervisor: “Basically.”

    Hit Delete And Start Again

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (The keyboard on my tablet has stopped working. I’ve been on the phone with tech support, troubleshooting, for about half an hour. They agree that it’s a mechanical problem and transfer me to that department since it is still under warranty.)

    Tech Support: “So, if you can confirm your shipping address, we can send you a new keyboard right away.”

    Me: “Uh… I don’t need a new keyboard. It’s a tablet. A laptop.”

    Tech Support: “Well, the keyboard is what’s broken, so we’re going to ship you a new keyboard.”

    Me: “I’m not sure you understand. It’s a tablet. I need a new unit entirely.”

    Tech Support: *long pause* “My system shows that there are no replacement keyboards for your model.”

    Me: “…Sounds about right.”

    Call The Helpless Desk

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Lazy/Unhelpful, Technology

    (I receive a request from a user for a task I’ve never seen before.)

    User: “Dear Help Desk, Please [perform X task]. If you are unsure how to do this, follow the instructions at this webpage.”

    (Not sure what I’m being asked to do, I follow the enclosed link…)

    Instruction: “In order to [perform X task], take the following steps. Step 1: Send an email to the help desk requesting them to [perform X task].”

    (That was all it said!)

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