Businesses have always needed to put some shine on the more menial and undesirable jobs out there. The easiest way to get this done, is by tacking on an inflated, meaningless and often ridiculous job title in order to polish the turd. Some of the most outrageous examples can be seen below!
1#. Receptionist: “The director of first impressions.”
The only first impression this gives us, is that the company should be spending more time on work, and less on coming up with silly job titles.
#2. Recruitment Consultant: “Talent Delivery Specialist.”
They’re really putting the “Special” into “Specialist.” The phrasing of ‘delivery’ also seems a bit dubious, inviting the imagery that talent can be neatly packaged and ordered via Amazon. Click next day delivery for it to be extra fresh.
#3. Website Graphic Designer: “Back End Manager.”
This is the kind of job that if you mismanage, it can get very messy.
#4. Painter & Decorator: “Color Distribution Technician.”
Anyone who has had a go at painting a wall knows that there is, in fact, a fair amount of technical skill required in the correct distribution of paint. Most amateur attempts end up looking like topographical maps, with peaks and troughs rivalling great mountain ranges. Still, silly title though.
#5. Dishwasher: “Underwater ceramic technician.”
So does this mean that if you need to wash a metal pot, you need extra training?
#6. Shop Assistant: “Brand Ambassador.”
We somehow think that these ambassadors are sadly left off of the invite lists to the Embassy’s soirees.
#7. Paperboy: “Media publications administrator.”
What a wonderful job title to have. When you’re ten.
#8. Museum Tour Guide: “Coordinator of Interpretive Teaching.”
What’s so interpretive about it? Does this mean that the guide is allowed to make stuff up if they get bored one afternoon? Does the mask of Tutankhamun become the “Mask Of The Ancient Death-Eaters In The Dark Ages Before Hogwarts” and the Rosetta Stone, instead of being the foundation of our translations of ancient tongues, become “Margaret’s Shopping List, circa 3200BC – “Before Costco.””
#9. Sewer Maintenance: “Drain Surgeon.”
“We’re about to get a Number-Two type rupture! Pipe pressure is Thanksgiving over Christmas! I need a nut-tightener and ten CC’s of Clorox, stat!”
#10. Lifeguard: “Wet Leisure Assistant.”
It’s nice to know that while you’re drowning you’re doing so at someone else’s leaisure.
#11. Subway Staff: “Sandwich Technician.”
At least they can say they are technical staff in a ‘sub.’
#12. Branding Manager: “Brand Warrior.”
“They can take our livelihoods, but they can never take our free-samples!”
#13. Window Cleaner: “Transparent-Wall Maintenance Engineer.”
We can totally see through this job description.
#14. Planner: “Initiative Officer.”
The person who came up with this job title probably had a better idea, but didn’t have the drive to finish it.
#15. “Navy Deck Scrubber: “Textile Masseur.”
Oh, yeah, that’s it. Nice and deep there in the aft quarters.
#16. Marketing Brand Manager: “Brand Evangelist.”
“And I say to the evil brand that has invaded this store, I cast thee out!”
#17. Bouncer: “Eviction Technician.”
Here’s how technical it needs to be. “Me, big. You, small. You leave now. Okay.”
#18. Counsellor: “Problem Wrangler.”
The poor counsellor will be wrangling with this job title for a while before they can help anyone else.
#19. Office Cleaner: “Washroom Operatives.”
Giving the impression that the cleaners are also double agents. Maybe they are sleeper-spies that are activated to become lethal killers using the right trigger words. Poor choices of trigger words would be: “Windex”, “Stain-Removal”, and “You Missed A Spot.”
#20. Call Center Manager: “Chief Chatter.”
This person is all talk.
#21. Ticket Collector: “Revenue Protection Officer.”
An actually accurate job title, as the only thing they’re protecting, is the bottom-line of their employers.
#22. Website Manager: “Digital Overlord.”
Well, Ming The Merciless had to start somewhere!
#23. Bartender: “Beverage Dissemination Officer.”
There’s something a little distasteful about the word ‘Dissemination.’ Not how I normally take my vodka. When at a busy bar, do you wave the bartender down and say “Ooh! Disseminate to me next!”
#24. School Dinner Lady: “Education Center Nourishment Consultant.”
How many “consultants” came up with this useless piece of alphabet soup?
#25 Magazine Shelf-Stacker: “Brochure Coordinator.”
Just put Playboy and Penthouse on the bottom shelf and blame management for a lack of coordination.