You Live By The D**k Pic, You Die By The D**k Pic
I have the misfortune of having a disgusting pervert for a coworker; he’s the kind who grabbed onto the phrase “locker room talk” and ran an Olympic marathon with it. As a fellow man, I have been an unwilling audience to his BS.
One day, I was in the break room with earbuds in, happily enjoying the latest video of the Puppy Bowl, when [Coworker] flumped down at the table and complained.
Coworker: “Look at this! Isn’t this just sick?!”
I was then treated to his phone, opened to a chat window, and shoved in my face. My puppy-endorphined brain got whiplashed by not one, but two d**k pics.
Me: “Dude. Bruh. Why are you…?”
Coworker: “Some chick sent them to me!”
Now I paused, a little intrigued and a lot amused. As stated above, [Coworker] is known for his shenanigans, and the idea of any woman turning the tables is enough to catch my attention. I paused my video, popped out my earbuds, and engaged in this conversation.
Me: “A woman sent you d**k pics?”
Coworker: “Just read it!”
I took his phone and scrolled. This was the text conversation, roughly, expanded from the typical chat abbreviations.
Coworker: “Hey, beautiful!”
Woman: “Hey.”
Coworker: “What are you doing?”
Woman: “Nothing at the moment. I have class at 11:00, but that’s it. How about you?”
Coworker: “Lying in bed, but I should be doing you. You’re so f****** hot!”
[Coworker] sent a d**k pic.
Woman: “Thanks.”
The woman replied with what I would guess was a Googled d**k pic from another man. Hilariously, it appeared to be larger than [Coworker]’s.
I struggled not to burst out laughing as [Coworker] promptly went off the rails in text.
Coworker: “WHAT THE F***?! WHY WOULD YOU SEND ME THAT?!”
Woman: “Because you sent me one. I mean, it’s only polite to send one back, right?”
Coworker: “I don’t want to see another man’s junk!”
Woman: “Well, why would you send me one, then?”
Coworker: “I thought you would like it!”
Woman: “Why? I never asked for one.”
Coworker: “Because women are [insult for promiscuous women] for my d**k on the Internet.”
Woman: “As demonstrated, I can find better.”
Then, there was a notification that the woman had blocked [Coworker].
I’m pretty sure my own eyebrows had been scorched by that sassy lady’s burn. I sat back and struggled not to laugh myself into a stitch in my side while handing the phone back to [Coworker].
Coworker: “What’s so d*** funny?”
Me: “She got you good, man. If you don’t want to get d**k pics, don’t send them out in the first place. And if you don’t want to be insulted that hard, definitely don’t give her an opportunity by bragging about your own.”
My break was now over, but somehow, I didn’t feel like it had been wasted. Despite the eyeball bleach that I may need later, it was worth it to read that exchange.
[Coworker] sulked for two whole days before returning to normal. I doubt anything was learned.