Category: Pets & Animals


That Sale Went To The Dogs

| WA, USA | Employees, Pets & Animals

(My husband receives a call from a telemarketer. I hear only his half of the conversation.)

Husband: “Yes, I’m familiar with [Well-Known Home Security System].”

Husband: “No, I don’t think you can secure my home.”

Husband: “What can you offer me that’s better than my two Dobermans?”

Husband: “I have two adult Dobermans. I think they do a pretty good job of keeping my home safe. I don’t think you can offer anything that’s going to do better than that.”

(A minute later he hung up the phone.)

Husband: “Poor girl. I completely threw her off her script.”


Worming Their Way Into Your Bad Books

| Saskatoon, SK, Canada | Pets & Animals

(I’m buying superworms for my salamanders. The pet store has a large display of ferrets near the front.)

Me: *to store employee* “Excuse me, could I feed a worm to the ferrets?”

Employee: “I… Let me check with my manager.”

Me: *to Manager* “I’d like to feed the ferrets one of these worms.”

Manager: “Uh, no. Ferrets don’t eat worms!”

Me: *to my friend* “What does she think wild ferrets eat, ferret food?!”

(I looked it up. Ferrets can eat, and most of them love, superworms.)


Was Animally Attracted To The Job

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Job Seekers, Pets & Animals

(I have been looking for a job for quite a long time, so I am thrilled to get a call from the pet shelter I’d applied to. They advertised for a part-time receptionist who would also be responsible for booking appointments and arranging birthday parties at the shelter. I love animals, and think this will be perfect.)

Interviewer: “You’ll be expected to assist with euthanizing animals on a regular basis once they’re past their ‘adopt-by’ dates.”

Me: “Um… there must be some mistake. I applied for the part-time receptionist position.”

Interviewer: “That’s correct.”

Me: “The job posting didn’t mention anything about euthanizing animals, though?” *thinking: If it had, I would never have applied.*

Interviewer: “I realize that, but we’ve found that if we include that in our ad, no-one will apply.”

Me: “I see… How often would I be expected to do that?” *hoping against hope that the answer will be very rarely.*

Interviewer: “Probably at least a couple of times a day. In fact, that’s mostly what this position will entail.”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry for wasting your time, but I don’t think this job will be a good fit for me.”

(I really needed a job, but I wouldn’t have been able to look my cat in the eye if I’d taken that one. Luckily, I found employment elsewhere a month later.)


Adopting A Bad Attitude

| USA | Ignoring & Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Pets & Animals

(It is less than a month after one of my cats has died. My remaining cat, who is elderly and has never been without a companion a day in her life, falls into a deep depression from loneliness, so I start looking into adopting an older cat to keep her company. I find an older male that I like in a local shelter and fill out an application for him. Two weeks later I still haven’t heard back from them and after a phone call goes unanswered, I assume either my application was rejected or he was adopted by someone else. I look elsewhere and end up adopting an elderly pair that belonged to an owner who passed away. Three months afterwards I get a phone call from a volunteer at the shelter.)

Volunteer: “Hey, I’m looking at your application and I was wondering if you were still interested in the cat?”

Me: “Oh, sorry, it’s been months and I thought my application was rejected. I adopted two cats from another shelter already.”

Volunteer: “Can’t you still take him? He gets along with other cats really well.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I already had a cat before adopting them. Three is my limit and I don’t have the means to care for a fourth.”

Volunteer: *suddenly angry* “So you just don’t care about the cat anymore, then?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Volunteer: “If you changed your mind and decided you didn’t want the cat, you should have called and told us. You’ve just wasted our time! We could have found him a home with someone else!”

Me: “I beg your pardon, but I applied for the cat months ago. I didn’t so much as get an email from you and no one even bothered to return the call I left. I feel bad for the cat, but I really can’t take him now. Maybe I would have if you actually contacted me in a timely manner.”

Volunteer: “Don’t bother trying to adopt from us again. I’m barring you from our shelter.” *hangs up*

(I was stunned, so I went onto the shelter’s website, found contact information, and emailed the owner directly. She later got back to me with an apology and promised that I could still adopt from them in the future if I so please. Apparently the reason it took months to get back to me was because the volunteer, who turned out to be her adult son, lost most of the applications, including mine, which ended up costing several cats potential homes. On the positive side, all three of my cats are inseparable friends.)


A Workplace Discovery

TX, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Pets & Animals

(I work for a police department. This occurs entirely over the radio.)

Dispatch: “[Officer #1], loose animal at [Address]. Resident is stating there is a lizard in her closet.”

(Long silence.)

Officer #1: “Is it poisonous?”

Officer #2: “There are no poisonous lizards in North America.”

Officer #3: “According to the Discovery channel, the gila monster is native to North America, and is identifiable by its black and orange markings.”

Officer #1: “Thanks, Discovery Channel.”

Officer #4: “If it’s a chameleon, you’re gonna have a hard time finding it.”

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