Category: Coworkers

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Muffin Flop, Part 2

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I am standing in the break room, warming up a couple of muffins for breakfast. A coworker comes in.)

Coworker: “I don’t know how you do it. You get up every morning and bake two muffins for yourself. That seems like so much trouble.”

Me: *thinking this is some kind of joke* “Uh… what?”

Coworker: “You bake two muffins every morning! That’s a lot of trouble!”

Me: *realizing she’s sincere* “I bake a batch over the weekend and just keep them in the refrigerator.”

(A look of amazement comes over my coworker’s face.)

Coworker: “YOU CAN DO THAT?! I thought you had to eat them all right away so they don’t go bad!”

Me: *still not entirely convinced this isn’t a joke* “Uh, it’s just basic. They’re not that perishable. Really, are you serious?”

Coworker: “Yeah! I didn’t know that!”

Me: *bewildered, a bit horrified, I take my muffins out* “Well, I got a bunch of stuff to do…”

(I scampered back to my desk, and later heard her talking to someone else about how she didn’t know you could keep muffins. Apparently she rarely kept ANY leftovers, somehow thinking that food goes bad in minutes. And a few months later we repeated the scene; she entirely forgot the conversation.)

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A Raggedy Sale

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Coworkers, Money, Pranks

(I’m working at the pie table and have a bag of cleaning rags under the table. Every now and then someone comes and ‘steals’ towels out of my bag so I decide to have some fun with the next one.)

Me: “Just to let you know, those are a dollar apiece.”

Coworker: “Okay. Put it on my tab! I’ll pay you Friday.”

(Comes back a few minutes later.)

Coworker: “I need a few more. Is there a discount if I buy in bulk?”

Me: “Yes. They’re still one for $1 or five for $5.”

Coworker: *thinks for a moment* “That’s a terrible sale! I’m never shopping here again and going somewhere that has better deals.”

(By this point I’m laughing too hard to respond.)

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Self-Surgery Not Recommended

| Warner Robins, GA, USA | Coworkers, Health & Body

(One of my wisdom teeth is starting to break through my gums, and the resulting pain and soreness has me somewhat distracted most of the morning. At lunch, I run to the pharmacy and pick up a tube of numbing gel, only to find when I get back to my desk that it has to be actually cut open.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], you wouldn’t happen to have a pair of scissors in your desk, would you?”

Coworker: *jokingly, as he hands them over* “I don’t know, can you be trusted with this tool?”

Me: “Man, I’m just trying to get this stupid wisdom tooth to stop giving me grief.”

(He looks at me with brows raised, and then I realize that I hadn’t actually mentioned that I’d gotten anything for my tooth.)

Me: “Oh, Christ, no, I meant to open this gel, not—”

Coworker: “I was starting to wonder if I should’ve handed you those!”

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Politically Incorrect

| Yorkshire, England, UK | Bigotry, Coworkers, Politics

(My dad used to volunteer for a political party that’s usually associated with middle-class and white-collar voters. Dad came from a working-class family but has a fairly ‘posh’ accent, so people in the party tended to think he was middle-class, too. He is just returning from doing door-to-door canvassing when he bumps into another volunteer.)

Volunteer: “How did it go?”

Dad: “I tried [Rough Council Estate] and [Affluent Area] today.”

Volunteer: *looking aghast* “You actually went to that estate?! Ugh, I’m surprised they didn’t try to mug you on the doorstop. I wouldn’t dare go there with all those teenage mothers and drug dealers and who-knows-what.”

Dad: “It honestly didn’t seem that bad.”

Volunteer: “No, no no. It’s not really safe on your own, and I doubt they’d even understand the campaign anyway. I don’t mean to be rude, but they aren’t especially intelligent.”

Dad: “Nobody wanted to support the campaign, but they were all quite polite about it.”

Volunteer: “Well, I find that rather hard to believe. People on those estates use such vulgar language, and they teach it to their children, too. It’s no wonder they grow up illiterate and going to state schools. Stop wasting your time there. I’m sure you had more luck in [Affluent Area]?”

Dad: *pleasantly* “Actually, the first house I visited was on your street. Mr [Volunteer], in the lovely five bedroom house? I distinctly remember him telling me to ‘get the f*** off my f****** property before I call the f****** police, you f****** t***.’ He tried to throw a shoe at me. It really took the wind out of my sails, so I thought I’d end things there for the day.”

Volunteer: *embarrassed* “Oh. Well. I suppose… these things… sometimes… happen. Perhaps it was a bad day? Um, I’m sure you’ll have better luck next time!” *rushes off*

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Deaf To Reason, Part 5

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Health & Body

(I am hard of hearing and while I can hear and communicate with others if they are around me, using telephones or any devices where I am unable to see the speaker is a bit of a train wreck. My boss and manager are well aware of this fact, and assured me that I wouldn’t be expected to take any orders by phone. I’ve been working there long enough now that almost all my coworkers know about this arrangement, but one coworker doesn’t seem to quite understand and constantly complains that I’m just lazy. On this day the manager has stepped outside, so it’s just the two of us when the phone rings.)

Me: *already busy with an order* “[Coworker]! Phone!”

Coworker: “You heard it first. You get it!”

Me: “That’s not how it works. [Manager] is out and I can’t use the phone, so you’re the only one who can grab it.”

Coworker: *huffs* “I can’t believe how lazy you are! You always push this on everyone else so you don’t have to work as hard!”

Me: “No. Not only am I currently busy with an order but I also have no training to take phone orders, so even if I could miraculously use the phone I wouldn’t know how correctly input the order in the system and we would lose a sale.”

(He huffs and answers the phone, clearly not convinced. After he finishes taking the order and comes back.)

Coworker: “See?! I don’t get why you make such a big deal of this! You can clearly hear me talking to you so it’s really no different. I bet you’re just pretending to be deaf so you don’t have to work as hard.”

Me: “Um, it’s completely different. For one, I’m hard of hearing, not deaf, and I doubt anyone would want to fake not being able to hear because it absolutely sucks. I have no training whatsoever to take phone orders, so I make up for this by doing extra work around the store to balance it out. We’re in a enclosed area with very little background noise, unlike on a phone where the signal can cut out words and the line can hum loudly and drown out the customer on the other end. Not only that but the quality of the sound through a phone is very artificial to me. Also, I can read your lips and body language because I can see you to fill in the blanks, and I can’t do that over a phone. Anytime I’m forced to use a phone or device where I have to rely 100% on my hearing, I end up asking the other person to repeat themselves a LOT and still miss tons of information. So no, it’s actually extremely different from talking to a person in real time.”

Coworker: “You’re just lazy! There’s no way you can hear me but not use a phone!”

(I gave up and ignored the rest of his rant how I was faking my hearing impairment just to get out of doing my job. He eventually complained to our boss with this belief that I was pretending to have hearing problems to get out of work. She chewed him though and asked him if he seriously thought that anyone would actually pretend to be deaf for the fun of it. He was fired not too long after that.)

Related:
Deaf To Reason, Part 4
Deaf To Reason, Part 3
Deaf To Reason, Part 2

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