Category: Coworkers

That Manager Is A Good Egg

| CA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Pets & Animals

(About a dozen of us are in a meeting, video conferencing in from multiple locations, to check in on status of projects. The manager in charge of the meeting opens the conversation a little differently to usual.)

Manager: “Are raw eggs bad for dogs?”

(We all pause, and then start laughing.)

Coworker: “Only if they have salmonella. Otherwise, I think it’s fine.”

Manager: “I left an egg on the counter, and the dog ate it, shell and all!”

(More laughter from everyone. Finally we got the meeting started.)

Trying To Seize Upon A Way Out

| AZ, USA | Coworkers, Criminal/Illegal, Liars/Scammers

(I work as a manager for a retail store. We sell a little of everything, including high end wines and jewelry. My employees are required to carry clear purses, to stop our shoplifting problem. One day, an employee leaves her bag on the counter, laying on it’s side, and I notice a large amount of candy that we sell, as well as an expensive bottle of wine and a necklace at the bottom of the bag. It is all worth about $1,000. She is usually a sweet and quiet lady.)

Me: “[Employee], is that our candy, our wine, and our jewelry?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Me: “Did you buy it here?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Me: “Can I see your membership card so I can confirm that?”

Employee: “What? No! How dare you accuse me of stealing!”

Me: “I did not. However, to let you leave today, I need that card so I can look up your purchase history.”

Employee: “You know, until now you were my favorite manager! Now I see that you are horrible!”

Me: “You can think that if you wish. However, I need that card or I will have to hold you here.”

Employee: “You cannot do that!”

Me: “Actually, I can. I just do not want to. If you bought the items, I have to check. You know that. It’s in your handbook and your employee contract, which you signed.”

Employee: “You will hear from my lawyer!”

Me: “Look, you can argue and force me to call the cops for shoplifting, or you can give me your card and prove that you bought it.”

Employee: “FINE!” *throws card at me*

Me: “There is no charge for any of that on here.”

Employee: “How dare you! I have worked here for over ten years!”

Me: “Yes, I am aware of that. However, there is no charge for these items to you.”

Employee: “I am contacting my lawyer!” *grabs the bag and runs out before I can stop her*

(The next day I am in my office when I get a phone call.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Employee’s Husband: “You broke the law!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Employee’s Husband: “You performed an illegal search and seizure!”

Me: “The employee contract, that she signed and I have a copy of, states that employees must carry clear purses and anything amiss can and will be investigated. Since she signed that contract and I saw the $35 of candy and $100 bottle of wine and a $950 diamond necklace through a clear purse, on store camera, there is not a single legal ground to claim illegal search and seizure.”

Employee’s Husband: “I will ruin you and your company!”

Me: “Sir, the police have been contacted. She will be charged with shoplifting over $1,000 dollars of merchandise, a felony. Since the entire exchange is on camera there is not a single thing you can do to me or the company. Perhaps you and your wife should have a discussion about hiring a lawyer to represent her.”

Employee’s Husband: “It is still illegal search and seizure!”

Me: “Well, sir, first, I did not search. She left the item in plain sight, on our property. Also, I did not seize, seeing how she still has it all in her possession. Her membership and employment have been terminated.”

Employee’s Husband: “Then you will be paying us unemployment!”

Me: “No, we won’t. Since she committed a crime which got her fired. She has no grounds to claim any unemployment.”

Employee’s Husband: This is illegal! I will have your job!”

Me: “Sir, the only thing illegal here is your wife’s actions. Have a nice day.”

(She ended up having to pay a massive fine and do community service. I was manager for another two years before leaving for a better job.)

Has To Work Through Fire And Water Before You Go Home

| OH, USA | Coworkers, Lazy/Unhelpful

(My coworker is known for attempting to leave work early whenever possible. We are civil, but not particularly friendly, towards one another because she tends to stir up trouble on purpose. This particular Friday, she would like to leave at noon, but my boss has already refused her request to leave early.)

Coworker: “Oh, my gosh! [My Name]’s office is on fire! I can see smoke coming from the outlet! Let’s go! Everyone out! Call the fire department!”

Me: “WAIT! It’s just water vapor from my humidifier, see?”

Coworker: “Oh. Well, I’ve never seen that before, so how should I know?”

Me: “You could have asked?”

Boss: “Give it up; even if we had evacuated the building I would have made you stand in cold and rain while we waited for the ‘all clear’ to return.”

(After about an hour, my coworker begins to “sniff” loudly in her office. Three minutes later, she emerges and begins to address my boss and coworkers.)

Coworker: “Is anyone else bothered by that scent? I can’t stand that smell. What is it? [My Name], are you diffusing oils in your office with that humidity thingy? I can’t stand that smell. I have such a headache. My migraine is kicking in. Any time I smell oils, my migraine starts up. Oh, no! I’m out of medication! I’m going to have a migraine, but I have no medicine! What am I going to do?!”

Me: “No, it’s just a humidifier. It’s literally just tap water in a vaporized form. Anyway, I’m sensitive to strong scents as well, so I don’t bring anything scented into the office.”

Boss: “GO. SIT. DOWN! You’re being paid to work, not to cause problems!”

(My coworker returned to her office with a huff, but sat there quietly for the rest of the day. I’m not sure if she actually worked, but she stopped causing problems and certainly didn’t leave early!)

Needs A Sweeter Disposition

| CA, USA | Coworkers, Food & Drink

(It’s seven am in the office, and only two people there – I, a female, and one male coworker.)

Me: “There’s some really great chocolate in the kitchen. You should try it.”

Male Coworker: “I don’t really eat sweets.”

Me: “What is wrong with you?!”

(A couple of days later, I overhear a conversation between two completely different coworkers, one male and one female, who were definitely not there for the previous conversation.)

Female Coworker: “There’s some really great chocolate in the kitchen. You should try it.”

Other Male Coworker: “I don’t really eat sweets.”

Female Coworker: “What is wrong with you?!”

Only Swear By The Good Staff

| MI, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Language & Words

(I’m known for being a goody-two-shoes and relatively quiet. However, I like to joke around.)

Me: *imitating customer* “B****, you didn’t make my Iced Capp icy enough!”

Shift Supervisor: “Did you just swear?! I can’t believe it! That was like hearing baby Jesus swear!”

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