Category: Coworkers

Don’t Baby Me

, | MA, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid

(I work the night shift at an outdoor living history museum. I do patrol while Coworker sits in dispatch. This takes place at four am.)

Me: *radioing in* “Hey, [Coworker]. I found an abandoned baby stroller outside of [building].”

Coworker: “Really?! Is it empty or is there a baby in it?”

Can’t Physically Do It

| NJ, USA | Coworkers, Ignoring & Inattentive, Technology

(I work as a shipper for a software distribution company. We offer both physical and electronic versions of many products; when a customer orders the electronic, they just get an email with one or more serial numbers and download links/instructions. Obviously, in our system the “physical” and “electronic” versions are set up with different product numbers, etc. And yet, just about daily…)

Salesperson: “So for this, I just put in the electronic ship-method, right?”

Me: “No. You need to use the electronic PRODUCT VERSION, otherwise the system will auto-adjust it to standard ground shipping and the physical will go out.”

Salesperson: “But, that’s how I always do it!”

Me: “Yes, and that’s why we keep sending you emails about it, and keep getting returns…”

He’s A Different Kind Of Nut(s)

| Huddersfield, England, UK | Coworkers, Food & Drink, Trending

Coworker: “Huh, this tea tastes like almonds…”

Me: *jokingly* “Maybe it’s poisoned.”

(They give me a questioning look.)

Coworker: “What? Why would it be poisoned?”

Me: “You know, almonds. Cyanide tastes like almonds.”

(Everyone around me has turned to give me funny looks now.)

Coworker #2: “[My Name], how do you know that?”

Me: “Uh… I don’t actually know…”

Coworker #2: “Right, nobody accept anything almond flavoured from [My Name], just in case he goes crazy and tries to kill us all.”

Me: “Hey, I’m not going to go crazy and poison you all! If I went on a killing spree, I’d definitely use a homemade bomb.”

Coworker: “How do you know how to build a bomb?!”

Me: “I did chemistry at uni.”

Coworker #2: “Okay, yeah, that one’s fair enough.” *everyone turns back to their work*

The Apex Of Asex Ignorance

| Batavia, NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Love/Romance

(I and my fellow female coworker are working a Tuesday night together as hosts. I’m wearing my glasses and no makeup that night.)

Coworker: “Take off your glasses!”

(I oblige.)

Coworker: “You have such pretty eyes! Why don’t you wear contacts? Maybe you could get a boyfriend!”

(She runs off to do something and returns a moment later, having noticed my startled expression.)

Coworker: “…or maybe a girlfriend?”

Me: “Oh! Uh, no. If I ever dated it would be a boy, but I’m actually what’s called asexual, which basically means I don’t find anyone sexy.”

Coworker: *jaw drops* “You don’t find anyone sexy? Like ever?”

Me: “Well, maybe Captain America.”

Coworker: “But how would you have sex?”

Me: “Um, well, there’s other ways to get to that point. Besides, you know I’m a church girl, so I only plan to have sex with my husband anyway.”

(For the rest of the night she continues to prod me, asking kind of invasive questions about my purity pledge and under what circumstances I would have sex, and telling me that she wants to take me out and get me drunk so I can lose my V-Card. I put up with it, thinking she’ll get it out of her system. Unfortunately, it continues two nights later, when I actually am dressed up a little nicer in honor of a favorite movie’s anniversary.)

Coworker: “Oh, you look nice tonight! Is it for the bartender?”

Me: “Uh… no.”

Coworker: “You have to admit he’s attractive.”

Me: “Yes, he’s cute. Sure! I’ll admit that. I know when people are handsome.”

Coworker: “But not the ‘s’ word?”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “Sexy? Still have problems with that word?”

(I roll my eyes and keep working. Later a large family comes in to celebrate their son’s 18th birthday, as they were not allowed into the local casino because he does not have a driver’s license.)

Coworker: “Oh, hey, I wanted to get your number.”

Me: “Oh, sure!”

(I give my number, thinking she wants it for shift changes and stuff. Then I read what she’s written beneath the number.)

Me: “…Happy Birthday?”

Coworker: “I can’t believe you fell for that! I’m giving it to that cutie at table 64.”

Me: “What? Oh, come on! You know he’s 18 and doesn’t have his driver’s license, right?”

Coworker: *pauses* “Well, you’re 21 and still a virgin, so I guess everyone has their own story!”

(For some reason I guess she just took my decision not to have sex really personally!)