Category: Criminal/Illegal


Giving You Some Glovely Advice

| MN, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Criminal/Illegal, Popular

(I have gone to get fingerprinted for a background check at the sheriff’s office in the county courthouse. The fingerprints are taken electronically by a machine that rates how clear they are on a numerical scale.)

Fingerprinting Officer: “You got a 90 on your thumbprints. That’s extremely good. Almost no one gets a 90. You have very distinct thumbprints, so if you’re going to commit a crime, be sure to wear gloves.”


Don’t Bank On It Being The Bank

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Popular

(We had been getting a lot of solicitors calling, not to mention a lot of callers that would hang up as soon as we answered. I was getting very irritated about it. The phone rings:)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, this is [Bank]. May I please speak to [Husband]?”

Me: “What is it regarding?”

Caller: “Just let me speak to [Husband].”

Me: “He’s busy. Please let me know what it’s about.”

Caller: “I can only speak to [Husband].”

Me: “Sorry, not happening unless you let me know why you’re calling.”

Caller: *sighs heavily* “Fine. It’s about his mortgage.”

Me: “Um, ‘his’ mortgage is also MY mortgage. Both of our names are on the paperwork. Seems to me like you should know that if you’re actually calling from [Bank].”

Caller: “I AM calling from [Bank], and I need to talk to [Husband] NOW!”

Me: “If it’s really about the mortgage, you can talk to me.”

Caller: “No! I can only talk to [Husband]!”

Me: “Or you can say hello to Mr. Dial Tone.” *hangs up*


Not Ice About Safety

| USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Popular

(It is raining hard and cold, and my windshield ices over thickly. I can’t see anything so I pull over and turn on my hazard lights.)

Police: “You can’t stop here.”

Me: “It’s an emergency. I can’t see out.”

Police: *mimicking* ” You can’t see out… You’re blocking traffic.”

Me: “There’s no one else on the road.” *it is early morning*

Police: “License and registration!”

(I give them to him.)

Police: “And insurance!”

(I give that also. He runs them a few times, trying to catch me on something. Luckily, I had just updated everything so there is nothing. After 30 min, he comes back, looking less sure and more disappointed. By now the rain has lessened and my windshield is clear.)

Police: “You have a good record and no convictions so… I’ll let you go. This time!”

(He wrote a warning to me and drove off. I tossed it in my car’s trash bag. I guess he would’ve rather I hit a pole instead of stopping and clearing my windshield.)


Trying To Seize Upon A Way Out

| AZ, USA | Coworkers, Criminal/Illegal, Liars/Scammers

(I work as a manager for a retail store. We sell a little of everything, including high end wines and jewelry. My employees are required to carry clear purses, to stop our shoplifting problem. One day, an employee leaves her bag on the counter, laying on it’s side, and I notice a large amount of candy that we sell, as well as an expensive bottle of wine and a necklace at the bottom of the bag. It is all worth about $1,000. She is usually a sweet and quiet lady.)

Me: “[Employee], is that our candy, our wine, and our jewelry?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Me: “Did you buy it here?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Me: “Can I see your membership card so I can confirm that?”

Employee: “What? No! How dare you accuse me of stealing!”

Me: “I did not. However, to let you leave today, I need that card so I can look up your purchase history.”

Employee: “You know, until now you were my favorite manager! Now I see that you are horrible!”

Me: “You can think that if you wish. However, I need that card or I will have to hold you here.”

Employee: “You cannot do that!”

Me: “Actually, I can. I just do not want to. If you bought the items, I have to check. You know that. It’s in your handbook and your employee contract, which you signed.”

Employee: “You will hear from my lawyer!”

Me: “Look, you can argue and force me to call the cops for shoplifting, or you can give me your card and prove that you bought it.”

Employee: “FINE!” *throws card at me*

Me: “There is no charge for any of that on here.”

Employee: “How dare you! I have worked here for over ten years!”

Me: “Yes, I am aware of that. However, there is no charge for these items to you.”

Employee: “I am contacting my lawyer!” *grabs the bag and runs out before I can stop her*

(The next day I am in my office when I get a phone call.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Employee’s Husband: “You broke the law!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Employee’s Husband: “You performed an illegal search and seizure!”

Me: “The employee contract, that she signed and I have a copy of, states that employees must carry clear purses and anything amiss can and will be investigated. Since she signed that contract and I saw the $35 of candy and $100 bottle of wine and a $950 diamond necklace through a clear purse, on store camera, there is not a single legal ground to claim illegal search and seizure.”

Employee’s Husband: “I will ruin you and your company!”

Me: “Sir, the police have been contacted. She will be charged with shoplifting over $1,000 dollars of merchandise, a felony. Since the entire exchange is on camera there is not a single thing you can do to me or the company. Perhaps you and your wife should have a discussion about hiring a lawyer to represent her.”

Employee’s Husband: “It is still illegal search and seizure!”

Me: “Well, sir, first, I did not search. She left the item in plain sight, on our property. Also, I did not seize, seeing how she still has it all in her possession. Her membership and employment have been terminated.”

Employee’s Husband: “Then you will be paying us unemployment!”

Me: “No, we won’t. Since she committed a crime which got her fired. She has no grounds to claim any unemployment.”

Employee’s Husband: This is illegal! I will have your job!”

Me: “Sir, the only thing illegal here is your wife’s actions. Have a nice day.”

(She ended up having to pay a massive fine and do community service. I was manager for another two years before leaving for a better job.)