Category: Food & Drink

The ‘Shapes’ Of Things To Come

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Employees, Food & Drink

(I approach the shelf of my favourite snack, which has unfortunately – and to substantial complaints from the public – changed its recipe recently. The outrage from the public has been huge, and all over the media. I figure I’ll try my luck and see if there’s any of the old recipe hidden on the shelf. I’ve been in front of the shelf for no more than five seconds when:)

Staff Member: *yelling from the opposite end of the aisle* “WE DON’T HAVE ANY!”

(I ignore it, because the voice is so far away I don’t think it could be directed at me.)

Staff Member: “WE. DON’T. HAVE. ANY!”

Me: *turning to look* “Sorry? Are you talking to me?”

Staff Member: *has now reached me and can stop yelling* “We don’t have any of the [Original Recipe], and we won’t carry them again. They’re gone for good!”

Me: “You knew what I was in this aisle for before I even touched the shelf! Have the complaints been that bad?”

Staff Member: “You have NO idea. Just whatever you do, don’t buy the new ones. They’re revolting, and you’ll come back and complain to me and demand a refund, just like everyone else!”

(At the time of writing this, the snack company has yet to revert to the old recipe. I’m so sorry, customer service staff in supermarkets everywhere. You’re the ones stuck dealing with the company’s stupid decisions!)

In A Vegetative State, Part 2

| London, England, UK | At The Checkout, Employees, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(It’s well past midnight; my partner and I have been travelling for over an hour and we have each had an incredibly long day. There is a well-known fast-food place at the end of my road, and as we’re both starving we decide to go get some food. The place is empty. He just wants a couple of orders of fries but I fancy a burger. They only offer two vegetarian burgers: the spicy vegetarian deluxe and the regular vegetarian deluxe. I go to order.)

Cashier: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Me: “Hi, I’d like a spicy vegetable deluxe burger.”

Cashier: “Which one?” *this isn’t the first time I’ve ordered the spicy version, so I’m well used to them clarifying the type I want*

Me: “The spicy one.”

Cashier: “The buffalo one?”

Me: “No, the spicy vegetable deluxe burger.”

Cashier: “The Texas one?”

Me: “No, the vegetable deluxe.” *points to it on the menu board*

Cashier: “Oh, you want a wrap?”

Me: “No, a vegetarian burger. Right there.” *I point*

Cashier: *looks confused* “Vegetarian?”

Me: “Made of vegetables? No meat?”

Cashier: *more confused looks*

Me: *seeing this is getting me nowhere* “Forget it. I’ll just get three large fries, to take away, please.”

Cashier: “So just the fries?” *enters one portion into the till*

Me: “Three portions, please.” *hold up three fingers*

Cashier: *looks confused*

(At this point another cashier comes over.)

Cashier #2: “She wants three large fries.”

Cashier: “Oh, okay.” *inputs in the till and I finally pay*

(I always try and be patient with people who are new to the job, or people who may speak English as a second language — I don’t see the point in giving people a hard time if they’re still learning — but this woman wasn’t wearing a trainee badge, and was clearly as English as I am.)

In A Vegetative State

Here’s A Tip: Bring The Pizzas

| USA | Employees, Food & Drink

(I have ordered pizza for delivery. They always ask for a phone number to contact. Phone rings:)

Me: “Hello?”

Delivery Guy: “Pizza.”


Me: “Okay, what about it?”

Delivery Guy: “I have your pizza.”

Me: “And? Are you having trouble finding the house?”

Delivery Guy: “I have your pizza.”

Me: “What do you want me to do about it?”

Delivery Guy: “I’m in your driveway.”

Me: “Good. And I’m in my living room.”

Delivery Guy: “Aren’t you going to come get the pizza?”

Me: “No. You’re going to get out of the car and walk to my door, ring and/or knock, and hand me the pizza.”

Delivery Guy: “Carrying all this?” *it was two medium pizzas*

(After eventually delivering the pizzas.)

Delivery Guy: “Aren’t you gonna tip me?”

Me: “Next time, actually deliver the pizzas.”

The Sweet Taste Of Youth

| Dublin, Ireland | Employees, Food & Drink, Underaged

(I look young and often got IDed when i was younger but this one sticks out in my memory.)

Me: “Can I have a Baileys with ice, please, and do you sell chocolate?”

Barman: “Yes, we have a few.” *names a couple of chocolate bars*

Me: “I’ll have [Chocolate Bar], please, and the Baileys.”

Barman: *looks around trying to see where I’ve been sitting with a confused look on his face* “Who are you here with?”

Me: *confused* “Oh, I’m meeting a few friends here but they’re running late.”

Barman: “But who’s the drink for?”

(I realise he doesn’t just think I’m underage, he thinks I’m so young my parents have sent me to the bar!)

Me: “It’s for me. I’m 23.”

(He was nice enough to apologise.)

So THAT’S What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted

| MA, USA | Food & Drink, Holidays

(Our bakery offers heart-shaped cookies in celebration of the Valentine season. One morning, we arrive to set up everything for the public and discover our baker has festively iced all the valentines, except for a few that obviously fell apart during the bake. She’s left us a cheerful note indicating these pieces are “Snacks!”)

Manager: *bemused* “I… I don’t even know what to say about this.”

Baker: “I guess today we feast on broken hearts!”