Go Native Or Go Home

| Oklahoma City, OK, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Hall of Fame

(I’m in line at a popular discount retail store, with two people ahead of me. The women at the head of the line is clearly new to English, and while she has a thick accent and struggles, she does her best to speak to the cashier in English, even though he rolls his eyes and makes her repeat everything several times. Finally, she is able to leave. As soon as she’s out of earshot:)

Cashier: “Ugh, they shouldn’t be allowed in our stores until they learn our language.”

(The man ahead of me says several things in another language.)

Cashier: “Oh, man, not another one. This is America. Learn the language.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m sorry. I just assumed you’d learned Cherokee, since you’re so big on people learning the local language. My mistake.”

(The cashier turned bright red and didn’t say another word through the transaction.)


Not Always Right Is Never Wrong

| Anchorage, AK, USA | Hall of Fame

(As an eager young 16 year old, I get my first job, as a busboy for a local pizzeria. While training me on my responsibilities, the manager tries to impart some timeless wisdom to me.)

Manager: “Customer service is important. You’ve heard the saying, I’m sure: ‘The Customer Is Always Right.'”

Me: “Yes, I’ve heard that.”

Manager: “Well, don’t believe it. Nine times out of ten, the customer is a f****** moron.”

Me: “…”

Manager: “But here’s the thing: the customer may be the biggest g****** sack of s*** douchebag idiot out there, but we want to take his money from him. So we let him THINK he’s right. If he says he’s the f****** king of France, what do you say to him?”

Me: “May I clear those plates, your majesty?”

Manager: “You’re going to do fine.”

(Thus began my cynical career in customer service…)


Fit For The Job

| Sweden | Hall of Fame

(I’m the owner of a gym that is open 24/7. We get a new member who seems to be there all day. I think nothing of it until I show up one day at 8 am and the man is sleeping in the male locker room.)

Me: “Hey, you all right there?”

Man: *wakes up* “Huh?! Oh, sorry! I’m usually up before anyone gets here. Um… is there a problem?”

Me: “Did you just fall asleep in the gym?”

Man: “Sorry. See, the thing is, I’m homeless. I spent what little money I had left on a membership here so that I had roof above my head at all times.”

Me: “Ooookay, but, how do you eat?”

Man: “I’d… rather not answer that.”

Me: “What, you steal our cash or something?”

Man: “What? No! No, I don’t! I just ask the other members to treat me. I feel

horrible as I can’t pay them back.”

Me: “I see. Hey, are you good with the equipment we use here at the gym?”

Man: “Uh… yeah. Why?”

Me: “You’ll get half salary until you’ve treated all members who treated you to food. For the time being, you’re a janitor; you’re in charge of making sure everything works properly. All right?”

Man: “Y-you mean to tell me you’re hiring me?!”

Me: “Have you done drugs or do you have an alcohol problem?”

Man: “No! I hate both things! I was fired because my now ex-wife slept with my ex-boss and he had me fired when I found out!”

Me: “… oh.”

(Four years later and he’s now my most trusted employee!)

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