Category: Health & Body

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This Counsellor Has Balls

| USA | Awesome Workers, Health & Body

(I go to counseling for personal issues. My counselor is an older man who speaks in a monotone voice that gives one the impression that he has a dry sense of humor. After a few months of therapy, I am beginning to feel really comfortable around him and open up a bit more.)

Me: “I don’t know. I sometimes feel like because I made that mistake, that I am not worthy of love.”

Counselor: “[My Name], it really pains me to hear you be so negative about yourself all of the time. You have a lot of great qualities, but you seem to focus only on the things that went wrong. I have an idea…”

(He opens a drawer in his desk, revealing a plethora of foam stress balls. He takes one out and throws it at me, hitting me in the shoulder. My jaw drops.)

Counselor: “Any time you say something negative about yourself, I am going to throw one of these at you… and I have about twenty or thirty in this drawer.

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Strepped For Excuses

| VA, USA | Employees, Health & Body, Ignoring & Inattentive

(I go to the university health center suffering from a severe sore throat. I’m fairly certain that it is a strep infection, as I’ve had it before and recognize the symptoms, and know that I will need to be prescribed antibiotics to cure it.)

Me: *barely able to speak* “I think that I have strep throat. My throat is incredibly sore and painful, my tonsils are inflamed and have white streaks, and my lymph nodes are really swollen.”

Nurse: “Let’s run a pregnancy test first. You can go in to this bathroom.”

Me: “No. No, thank you. That’s not necessary. It’s my throat that’s bothering me.”

Nurse: “You should take one anyway.”

Me: “Um, no, I won’t. Can you please check my throat? I get strep regularly, and I think it’s back.”

Nurse: “Fine. Open your mouth.” *barely glances in my mouth* “It’s likely a sexually transmitted disease. First we’ll test for—”

Me: “What?! No, it’s not! Please, can you just do the strep test?”

Nurse: “Don’t be embarrassed. STDs happen in college. Here’s a pamphlet on safe sex. I’ll be right back…”

Me: “WOAH, listen, lady. I’m sure you do see a lot of STDs in here. But considering that I’ve never even seen a d***, much less had one in or around me, I suggest you stop wasting both of our time and give me a strep test!”

(Surprise, surprise, it was indeed strep!)

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Needs To Do More Basic Basic Training

| SC, USA | Health & Body, Military

(In the first few hours of basic training, my appendix has ruptured and I need to get emergency surgery to have it removed. After being cleared to travel, I am sent home, though beforehand, I speak to my slightly ditzy Drill Sergeant to make sure everything is in order.)

Me: “Anything else I should worry about, Drill Sergeant?”

Drill Sergeant: “Nothing major. You’re being sent home on convalescent leave since your surgery was pretty major, so just take it easy and try not to let it happen again.”

Me: “The surgery, Drill Sergeant?”

Drill Sergeant: “No, your appendix. If it happens again, you may be medically discharged.”

Me: *to myself* “I somewhat doubt the chances of it ever happening again.”

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Doesn’t Know Wheat You Mean, Part 3

| Salt Lake City, Utah, USA | Employees, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Ignoring & Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful

(My friend has a very severe case of Celiac disease and cannot eat any gluten without getting incredibly ill. She’s very cautious about what she eats and always makes sure to request gluten free when ordering food, either for delivery or in a restaurant. It’s Saturday night and we’re having game night at her house. My husband and her husband decide they really want pizza, so we call one of the few local pizza places that guarantee a gluten-free crust with no cross-contamination. When the pizzas arrive, we all start to dig in, until friend realizes something is very wrong.)

Friend: “Ugh! This isn’t gluten free! This is thin crust!”

Me: “Are you sure? Maybe the gluten free is a thin crust.”

Friend’s Husband: “Here, let me taste it.” *he takes a bite* “Nope, definitely not gluten free, and there’s flour all over the bottom of it.”

Friend: “Grrr! Give me the phone, this is bull****!” *dials the restaurant* “Yes, I just had a pizza delivery to my house, and I specifically ordered a small gluten free with bacon and mushrooms, and I can guarantee this is not gluten free.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “Yes, I would love to speak to your manager.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “Hi, yes, I just ordered from your store and specifically ordered a small gluten free pizza with bacon and mushrooms, and not only is this not your gluten free crust, but it’s covered in flour.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “No, I can’t just ‘eat the pizza;’ I have Celiac disease. Do you know what that is?”

(Pause.)

Friend: “No, it’s not a fad diet. It means if I eat gluten I end up throwing up and having diarrhea for days.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “What I want you to do about it is remake the pizza correctly and have it delivered.”

(Pause.)

Friend:

“Yeah, I’m sure you are busy, given that it’s Saturday night, but if you guys had done it correctly the first time this wouldn’t be an issue.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “NO, I AM NOT GIVING YOU MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER! YOU MESSED UP MY ORDER! I AM NOT PAYING FOR A SECOND PIZZA WHEN YOU’RE THE ONES THAT SCREWED UP!”

(Pause.)

Friend:“YES, IT HAS TO BE DELIVERED TONIGHT. I WOULD LIKE TO ACTUALLY EAT TONIGHT!”

(Pause.)

Friend:“Okay, let me explain what I would like from you. I do not want a voucher. I do not want a refund. I just want to be able to eat tonight. I don’t care if it’s going to take 45 minutes to get another pizza to me. Please just remake the pizza, how I ordered it, and have it delivered as soon as possible.”

(Pause.)

Friend:“Okay, great.

Me: “Wow, so, how’d it go?”

Friend: *gives me the dirtiest look I’ve ever seen*

(When her replacement pizza arrived the delivery guy knocked and then left it on the porch before we could grab the door. It was gluten free – but bacon and peppers instead of bacon and mushrooms. She ate it anyway and hasn’t ordered from there since.)

Related:
Doesn’t Know Wheat You Mean, Part 2
Doesn’t Know Wheat You Mean

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Some Consideration Would Be The Bomb

| Chicago, IL, USA | Health & Body, Ignoring & Inattentive

(I run a key shop as a leased business to a major department store. The shop is actually located in a storefront that was carved out of the side of the auto center. Customer access is only from outside as you would have to walk the length of the shop area from the auto center sales floor to the back door of the key shop. Needless to say we do not have a lot of interaction with the auto center employees, but on the other hand we have been there for 30 years. Three firemen in full gear walk into the shop.)

Me: “Hi, may I help you?”

Fireman: “What the heck are you doing in here?”

Me: “Well, I work here. Do you need some keys?”

Fireman: “No, why are you here now?!”

Me: “It is normal business hours. Someone has to be here.”

Fireman: “This building has been evacuated.”

Me: “Obviously not, since I am still here.”

Fireman: “A report of a bomb was made for this location. GET OUT NOW!”

(I leave and walk around to the front of the building where I see all the employees of the auto center across the street. I join them and talk to the manager.)

Me: “What is going on?”

Manager: “Bomb threat; we had to evacuate. Probably false and we can go back in soon.”

Me: “Well, what about me? Why did you not tell me?”

Manager: “We yelled the order to evacuate in the sales floor and at the door to the shop and everyone left.”

Me: “So you expected me to hear it at the far end of a 300 foot noisy auto shop and through a cinderblock wall and steel door and didn’t check?”

Manager: “What are you saying?”

Me: “I am saying that if a real bomb had gone off I would be dead now.”

Manager: “Well, maybe we will send someone down there next time.”

Me: “Yeah, me being alive would be appreciated.”

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