Category: Health & Body

Pot Calling The Kettle Sick

| Toronto, Canada | Bosses & Owners, Family & Kids, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

(I have an immunological problem, so I get sicker more frequently, more seriously, and for longer than most people. One winter, it seems that everybody has some kind of cold. I kept catching whatever is going around and missing work, which creates scheduling problems. I go to my boss to talk about taking me off short-term projects and putting me onto longer-term projects until the end of the virus season.)

Boss: “Well, if you’d just tell me in advance when you’re going to get sick, this would be easier.”

(Note: the boss’s toddler is also catching every bug going around at his daycare.)

Me: “I’ll tell you in advance when I’m going to get sick if you could tell me in advance when your toddler is going to get sick.”

Boss: “Touché.”

(She was very understanding after that!)

Fungi Is Not Always Fun Guy

| Portland, OR, USA | Bosses & Owners, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(My manager, a coworker, and I are in the back of the store preparing vegetables for the lunch rush.)

Coworker: “Oh, a few of these cucumbers have mold on them.”

Manager: “So?”

Me: “Well, we should throw them out, right? We’ll then put how many were moldy on the inventory sheet.”

Manager: “I think we’ll be fine…”

Me: “What?!”

Manager: “It’s just a little mold. No one’s ever been hurt by a little mold. That’s where they get penicillin!”

No Pain, No Brain

| Utah, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Physical

Coworker: “Hey, I’m bored.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s really slow today.”

(My coworker wanders around for a bit before returning with a stapler.)

Coworker: “Wanna see something awesome?”

Me: “Like what?”

Coworker: “I can put a staple in my hand, and it won’t even hurt!”

(At this point I am wondering a little bit if he might be high or something, since he is saying this with complete sincerity.)

Me: “Please don’t, you could really—”

(He flips open the stapler as I am saying this, and jabs himself right in the middle of his hand.)

Me: “—hurt yourself.”

(He stares at his hand for about ten seconds before letting out an ear-splitting scream.)

Coworker: “OWWW! Why is it bleeding?! Why is it hurting?!”

Me: “Um, because you just stabbed yourself with a stapler?”

Coworker: “But stapling yourself shouldn’t hurt! Why does my hand hurt?!”

Chilly Chilis

| San Diego, CA, USA | Coworkers, Health & Body

(My coworkers and I are discussing pregnancy cravings. Ice is a common one amongst pregnant women.)

Me: “All I wanted was meat…meat and cheese.”

Coworker #1: “My wife wanted fruit.”

Coworker #2: “When I was in Peru, there was a woman who ate only ice. She ate ice all the time. So, when it came time to deliver, the doctor said her insides were frozen and she had to eat chile to thaw out.”

Me: “That’s not possible.”

Coworker #2: “That’s what the doctor said!”

Me: “But the ice would revert to water once in your body.”


Yet Another Darwin Awards Candidate

| Bloomington, IN, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I work in the kitchen of a high-end restaurant that mostly employs college students as waitstaff.)

Waitress: “This salsa is really salty!”

(I look up to see her eating a green substance with chips.)

Me: “DON’T EAT THAT! It could make you very sick!”

Waitress: “Salty salsa won’t make you sick.”

Me: “Probably not, but that’s not salsa. That’s pesto that’s had chicken marinating in it for the past week.”

Waitress: “EW! How was I supposed to know not to eat it?”

Me: “Several clues: it was sitting in the garbage next to all the dirty dishes, it smells like death, and it has chicken blood and fat floating in it.”

(She wound up calling in sick the next three shifts.)

Another Darwin Awards Candidate (Not Always Right)