Category: Language & Words

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“Please” Is A Foreign Word These Days

| Rochester, NY, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Language & Words

(My parents take my boyfriend and me out to a restaurant. It takes us a few minutes to get the attention of an employee to seat us.)

Boyfriend: “Hi. We have four, please.”

Server: *blank look* “Four… please?”

Us: “…”

(A hostess finally shows up.)

Hostess: “Can I help you?” *looks at the server*

Server: *still blank* ” Four…?”

Me: “Can we get a TABLE for FOUR, please?”

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Legal Fees Are Eternal

| UK | Coworkers, Language & Words

(I work as a nurse in a hospital. The phone at the nurses station rings, I pick up and it’s our ward clerk.)

Clerk: “Hi, I got Mr. [Patient]’s eternity on the phone.”

Me: “Who?!”

Clerk: “His eternity.”

Me: *thinking, is my patient dead and am I having an out-of-body experience right now?* “Um… put them through?”

Voice On The Phone: “Hello, I’m Mr. [Patient]’s solicitor. I’m calling to enquiry into…”

(After the phone call, I walk to the clerk’s desk.)

Me: “So, when you say eternity… Did you mean attorney?”

Clerk: “Oh, I can’t pronounce that word.”

Me: “Why can’t you just say lawyer?”

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You Can Swear By Her Behavior

| Bozeman, MT, USA | Coworkers, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(My coworker has a HUGE potty mouth. It’s what she’s known for. Our phones and half the hotels on our side of town are having trouble with outside lines. We can answer and talk to people but not hear them. As I’m closing my shift I warn her about them and tell her they are being worked on.)

Me: “Oh, and the person calling can hear you so for the love of Pete, don’t swear at the phone!”

Coworker: “Well, s***! I’m gonna f*** that up!”

(The phones were fixed before she could.)

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Dude Or Dude Not, There Is No Try

| UT, USA | Bosses & Owners, Funny Names, Language & Words

Boss: “So, if you have any suggestions for me, dude, just let me know.”

Me: “To be honest, as a modern woman, I really am not fond of being called dude.”

Boss: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Boss: “Okay. If I call you dude, I owe you a dime.”

(Sure enough, I’m at my desk later…)

Boss: “[My Name], dude… Agh!”

(She comes over and drops a dime in my change jar. A few days later…)

Me: “I finished status checks and appeals for the day.”

Boss: “Dude, you’re killing it! Agh!”

(A dollar comes flying my way.)

Me: “Dime, not a dollar.”

Boss: “Now I’m covered for the next nine times. How much have I spent so far?”

Me: “Enough to give my friends gas money.”

(A few weeks and several dollars later…)

Me: “If you can go one week without calling me dude, I’ll put away my change jar.”

Boss: “Let’s make it interesting. If I do that, you buy me lunch twice. If I don’t, I buy you lunch twice.”

(We shake on it. She puts up a sign to say “don’t call [My Name] dude!” I put one up that asserts “be so good that [Boss] calls you dude!” The following day…)

Boss: “[My Name], dude, we have so much due today. I’m going to run the reports and send you the email.”

Me: “Sure. You lasted fifteen minutes and owe me two lunches.”

Boss: “Dude! Seriously? I hate my life.”

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