Category: Language & Words

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The Yardstick To Measure Suitable Punishment

| ID, USA | Bosses & Owners, Language & Words

(For some reason, kids who use our restrooms think it’s great fun to go into a stall, lock it from the inside, and crawl out under the door, leaving the stall empty and locked. We’ve found the easiest way to solve the issue is to use a yardstick to nudge the lock open through a gap in the wall of an adjacent stall. During a routine bathroom check I find a locked stall, and I go to the back room.)

Me: “Has anyone seen the yardstick? There’s a locked stall in the bathroom.”

Coworker #1: “It’s back here, behind my desk.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Coworker #2: “Um, why do you need a yardstick for the bathroom? Is it to open the door?”

Me: *slightly sarcastic* “No, I’m going to hunt down the kid who did it and use this to spank him.” *waves yardstick*

Boss: *at the fax machine, where I haven’t noticed her until now* “…WHAT?!”

(I hadn’t even realized the boss was there, and spent a minute stumbling over myself to assure her I wouldn’t spank the kid. Thankfully she has a sense of humor and laughed about it, but it goes to show to be careful cracking jokes at work!)

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Something Fishy With That Pronunciation

| Singapore | Employees, Food & Drink, Language & Words

Friend: “A salmon set meal, please.” *pronouncing it SA-MON*

Server: “What?”

Friend: *thinking that she hadn’t heard* “One salmon set, please.” *again pronouncing it correctly as SA-MON*

Server: “What’s that? We don’t have that.”

Friend: *pointing to it on the menu* “This one.”

Server: “This? The SAL-MON set meal? Why didn’t you just say so?”

Friend: *speechless*

Server: “Next time, talk properly!”

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So Much Lol in Español

| USA | Language & Words, New Hires

(I have just been transferred to a new department that is known among the employees for having a very strange manager. He has been showing me around and so far nothing strange has happened until:)

Manager: “Okay, now the toughest subject of all: customer service. What would you do if a kid threw a tantrum? Demonstrate.”

(He lies down and begins to fake cry and bang his fists.)

Me: “Um, there, there. Let me go find your parent…”

Manager: “That’s not bad. Now pretend there’s a grumpy old man.” *he starts flailing his limbs and complaining*

Me: “Sir, please explain to me what you need and I would be happy to help you.”

Manager: “Excellent. Okay, last one, customer that can’t speak English. Hola, ayudame por favor!”

Me: “Let me get you the manager; he speaks Spanish.”

Manager: “Great! I think you’ll fit in just fine here.”

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Has Hangups With Bad Language

| Chicago, IL, USA | Employees, Language & Words

(I’ve received a call from an unknown number three times a day for the last two weeks, and they never leave a message. I’ve attempted answering them, but they usually hang up regardless of whether I say anything. Finally one day, there’s a person on the other end…)

Me: “WHO THE F*** IS THIS?”

Telemarketer: *offended* “Language!” *hangs up*

(Don’t call me three times a day for two weeks and act offended when I answer in a less than polite manner. They stopped calling me after this.)

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French Makes Everything Sound Dirty

| Canada | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I’m a stagehand, on tour with a French play. I’m an Anglophone, but, like most Canadians, I took French in school, and I’m a bit of a Francophile, so I have a basic understanding of the language and can speak a little.)

Me: “I need a pipe. Hey! I can say that in French! Je besoin un pipe!”

Francophone Coworker: *laughing* “No, you don’t want to say that.”

Me: “Did I say that wrong?”

Francophone Coworker: “You just said you need a blow job.”

Me: “I am never speaking French again.”

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