Category: Language & Words

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The Anatomy Of Bad Language

| Sacramento, CA., USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I am in my car listening to a local Sacramento AM radio talk show. The two hosts talk about many political and popular issues. For some reason that I can’t recall, they got on the topic of unusual piercings and are looking at pictures of some.)

Host #1: “Wow, the woman has a clitoral piercing.”

Host #2: “No way!” *looks at picture* “Oh, my god! That’s terrifying. Doesn’t that hurt like h***?”

Host #1: “I would think so… Apparently clitoral piercings are a growing trend.”

Host #2: “Hey, I’m just looking at our FCC guidelines, and apparently, we aren’t allowed to say, ‘clitoris.'”

Host #1: “Really? But we can say ‘penis,’ right?”

Host #2: “Um…” *papers rustling* “No. No, we can’t.”

Host #1: “Oh…”

(Pause.)

Host #2: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be our last show. Thank you very much for your years of loyal listenership.”

(I’m not sure if they ever faced any consequences from the Federal Communication Committee, but that was 12 years ago, and they are still on the air.)

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A Word To The Unwise

| New Britain, CT, USA | Language & Words, New Hires

(While serving a customer one day, I used a random really big word while we were making small talk, something like “juxtaposition” or “ubiquitous”; I can’t remember. He and my coworker teased me through the rest of the transaction about needing to dumb down my “SAT vocabulary.” Fast forward exactly a week later and I am training a new employee, and we are serving the exact same customer as before. I’m giving my trainee a lesson on how to cut and wrap a sandwich properly so that none of the toppings fall out and it stays secure in the bag, and the customer is watching. What the customer hadn’t seen ten minutes before was that the trainee had wrapped a sandwich incorrectly and when he went to move it, it fell out of the packaging and we had to make another. He was already feeling stupid and embarrassed and I had to reassure him that it was no problem while my coworker cleaned it up.)

Customer: “Training, huh?”

Trainee: “It’s my first job.”

Me: “First day, too, and he’s already doing really well.” *to my trainee* “You are. I’m just super picky about how I teach stuff. This is a good trick to know. You’ll get it faster than you think.”

Customer: “Well, buddy, she’ll do a good job training you. She’s the pro here. Just make sure she remembers to use small words!” *he ribs me across the counter*

Coworker: “Hahahaha!”

Me: “Hahaha!”

Customer: “Hahahaha!”

Trainee: “…” *he scampers to the back room*

Me, Customer, & Coworker: “OH, HONEY, NOOOOOOO! That’s not what we meant! Here, have a cookie! We’ll buy you a cookie! I’M SO SORRY! COME BACK!”

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Would You Like To Wombat Your Dropbear

, | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Language & Words

(I’m a manager in a fast-food restaurant. One night it’s kind of slow and I am having a discussion with another of our managers about how when you’re working the drive-thru you can pretty much say anything as the customers don’t really listen to what you say. He’s been challenging me to slip random words in all night. By this point it’s gotten totally out of hand into the realm of the ridiculous. Note the last several words I am “challenged” to are “koala bear” and “kangaroo,” kind of setting a mental theme. To help prove the point I say everything in my normal “drive-thru voice” and try not to laugh on speaker. The drive-thru dings.)

Me: “Funnel Web Spider!”

Customer: “Hi, I’m fine.”

Me: “That’s koala bear. What can we Australia today?”

Customer: “I’ll take a number three, please.”

Me: “Boomerang! And to eucalyptus?”

Customer: “A Pepsi, please.”

Me: “Wonderful. Anything else we can kangaroo?”

Customer: “No, that’s all.”

Me: “Great! If your sailboat is correct, your wallaby is [Total]. We’ll Sydney at the first dingo.”

(By this point all my coworkers were listening in on headsets, and were in hysterics.)

Other Manager: “He didn’t even miss a beat. I bow to the master.”