Category: Language & Words

They Have An Amor/Odio Relationship

| USA | Coworkers, Language & Words

(I have worked closely with one of my coworkers for several years and we have developed an “affectionate” habit of insulting each other in Spanish. His native language is Spanish but his English is near fluent. My native language is English and I am trying to learn Spanish. One such exchange goes like this:)

(In Spanish:)

Coworker: “Hey, fat-a**!”

Me: “Shut up, ugly bastard!”

Coworker: *holding his hands as far apart as they will go* “Your a** is like this big!”

Me: “Why are you so stupid?”

(Suddenly switching to English:)

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], is today your birthday?”

Me: “Yes, it is!”

Coworker: *still English* “Happy birthday, [My Name]! I love you!”

(Gives me a giant hug.)

Me: “Oh, thank you. How sweet! I love you, too!”

(We separate. Back to Spanish:)

Coworker: “B****.”

Me: “A**-hole.”

Swear By Your Professionalism

| Germany | Bad Behavior, Bosses & Owners, Language & Words

(I get along fine with my boss and enjoy working for him, but we had a bit of a rocky start: I’m somewhat shy and he’s prone to angry outbursts, which intimidate me, and this seems to make things even worse. Then one day I decide to change things up a bit.)

Boss: *storms to my desk* “[My Name]! Where’s the f***ing file I need?”

Me: *in a calm tone* “I put the f***ing file on your desk this morning, sir. As requested.”

Boss: “Oh. That’s… fine. Carry on.” *pauses* “Did I say f***?”

Me: *still calm* “No, sir. That would be pretty f***ing unprofessional.”

Boss: *bursts out laughing* “D*** right.”

(He went back to his office happy as pie, and from then on work became a lot better. The best thing about it, though, was the face of my colleague, who overheard the exchange.)

[email protected] W0rth 1t

| Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa | Language & Words, Technology

(I work as a IT technician for a big transport company, where part of my job description is that I sometimes help users over the phone when they can not wait to get hold of the call center. After sorting out a problem that frustrated the user by not being able to log in, by determining that his caps lock was on, this conversation takes place.)

Me: “So I take it that all is ok now?”

User: “Yes, thank you. I feel like a idiot for phoning you.”

Me: “Don’t worry, I am just not sure what I must close your ticket as?”

User: “Easy. Just type the following; you start with the letter ‘U.’”

Me: *typing* “Yes.”

User: “The letter ‘S.’”

Me: “Okay.”

User: “The letter ‘R.’”

Me: “…”

User: “Then type the equal sign.”

Me: “Okay.”

User: “Letters ‘I’ and ‘D.’”

Me: “Fine.”

User: “The number ten.”

Me: “Uh…”

User: “And then the letter ‘T’ and that should do it and once again thank you for your help.”

(Looking at the screen, I see it and immediately start laughing. On the screen it says ‘usr=id10t.’)

So Funny You Can’t Breathe

| Yorkshire, England, UK | Coworkers, Language & Words

(I’m at work taking to a colleague about ditzy things we’ve done in the past. We work in the medical records library of a hospital.)

Coworker: “Oh, I’ve got a good story. When I first started working at [Previous Job, also in the hospital], I was covering the phones but I didn’t really have much knowledge of the hospital. I wrote down what I thought the caller had said, which was raspberry tree. It turned out that they wanted the notes for respiratory. I didn’t live that one down for a long time.”

Wasn’t Banking On It Being So Difficult

| UK | Employees, Language & Words

(I have a phone conversation with my bank this morning regarding my emigration next week. The few things that need sorting are stopping further cheque books as any actions can be done online, and no more letters to my present/future address, just emails. It takes over an hour: identification over the phone is an utter nightmare as the bloke at the other end (obviously not with English as his first language) asks me to spell out every word and has trouble putting the letters back into words; he doesn’t know the word ’emigrating’ and keeps asking when I will return from my travels to the Emirates. Twice he tells me to hang up so he can ring me back because the line is apparently crap at his end, and both times we have to go through the identification process again. Then he gives up and passes me on to a colleague who goes through the identification again, and after a few minutes tells me to hang up so she can call me again. Spelling out the various names of town and street I am moving to is beyond belief as well.)

Me: “M for Mama.”

Clerk: “You mean ‘M’ for Mother?”

Me: *groan* “Yes, ‘M’ for Mother. ‘R’ for Romeo.”

Clerk: “Romeo? You mean Richard.”

Me: *about to auto combust*