Category: Language & Words

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That Phrase Failed

| IA, USA | Coworkers, Language & Words

(In the ‘accidentally coining a phrase’ department:)

Email: *from colleague* “This project failed through the cracks.”

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You Crack Me Up

| UT, USA | Bosses & Owners, Language & Words

(I’m fairly conservative in my behavior; I don’t drink or smoke, I generally stick to the speed limit, that sort of thing. One day, as I was leaving work in the late afternoon, I passed my supervisor and my manager on the way out.)

Supervisor: “Headed home, [My Name]?”

Me: “Yep.”

Manager: “No way. I know you, [My Name]. You’re going to go cruise Main Street for a hooker.”

Supervisor: *playing along* “Yeah, he’s probably gonna go smoke some crack, too, right?”

Me: “Well, if by ‘cruise Main for a hooker’ you mean ‘drive defensively back to my apartment,’ and if by ‘smoke some crack’ you mean ‘eat some of the chocolate chip cookies my wife was baking this morning,’ then, yes, I’m going to go cruise Main and smoke crack.”

(Supervisor laughs.)

Manager: “…Well played.”

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When Movie Theaters Get Too Immersive

| Northfield, NJ, USA | Employees, Language & Words

(My friends and I are seeing Star Wars at a theater where you could reserve your seats. We walk up to the box office to order our tickets.)

Me: “Uh, five for Star Wars in IMAX 3D.”

Ticket Worker: “Okay…” *presses some buttons on the computer in front of her* “Do you guys want the G-spots?”

(My friends start losing their minds.)

Me: *holding back tears* “The what, now?”

Ticket Worker: “The spots in row G, in the middle of the theater. Close enough so it’s not small, far enough so you don’t have to bend your head up—”

(Her coworker is in stitches.)

Ticket Worker: “What’s so funny about— Oh. Oh, my god.” *starts laughing, too* “I should have realized.”

Me: “It’s all right. We’ll take the G-spots!”

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That’s One Way To Describe The Patient’s Prognosis

| Rocklin, CA, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I work in a large multi-specialty medical office, and today my coworker and I are working for the nephrologist (kidney doctor). When booking return appointments, our schedulers write the abbreviation “f.u.” (follow-up) in the reason for visit, and then put the disease the patient is following up on. My coworker prints out the schedule for the day and starts cracking up. I look over and she hands it to me, still laughing.)

Coworker: “Here, do you notice anything about the first patient’s reason for visit? Read it carefully.”

(The scheduler had booked a follow-up for chronic kidney disease, abbreviated CKD. Thus, the schedule read “Patient Name: f.u. CKD.”)

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The Anatomy Of Bad Language

| Sacramento, CA., USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I am in my car listening to a local Sacramento AM radio talk show. The two hosts talk about many political and popular issues. For some reason that I can’t recall, they got on the topic of unusual piercings and are looking at pictures of some.)

Host #1: “Wow, the woman has a clitoral piercing.”

Host #2: “No way!” *looks at picture* “Oh, my god! That’s terrifying. Doesn’t that hurt like h***?”

Host #1: “I would think so… Apparently clitoral piercings are a growing trend.”

Host #2: “Hey, I’m just looking at our FCC guidelines, and apparently, we aren’t allowed to say, ‘clitoris.'”

Host #1: “Really? But we can say ‘penis,’ right?”

Host #2: “Um…” *papers rustling* “No. No, we can’t.”

Host #1: “Oh…”

(Pause.)

Host #2: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be our last show. Thank you very much for your years of loyal listenership.”

(I’m not sure if they ever faced any consequences from the Federal Communication Committee, but that was 12 years ago, and they are still on the air.)