Category: Language & Words

Math Is For The Devil

| KY, USA | Bad Behavior, Employees, Language & Words

(Way back when video stores were actually a thing, I went in looking for a specific movie. This interaction made me weep for our education system.)

Clerk: “How can I help you?” *in tone that implies he’d rather not*

Me: “Yes, I’m looking for a movie called The Devil’s Arithmetic? It stars Kirsten Dunst and Brittany Murphy?”

Clerk: “The Devil’s WHAT?”

Me:The Devil’s Arithmetic?”

Clerk: *incredibly sarcastic tone* “The Devil’s Uh-thuh-thuh-thuh?”

Me: “Um. No. A-rith-me-tic. You know, like, math?”

Clerk: “Whatever. We don’t have anything like that.”

Raising The Joke

| QLD, Australia | Coworkers, Language & Words

(We’re at one of our weekly team lunches at a pub near our office. By this point, several colleagues have gone back to the office. Two of my workmates are at the far end of the table are talking, and I’m discussing baby names with another one. This colleague is a single mother.)

Me: “On another note, [Colleague], my wife and I will be going for a baby in a few months. Given that you’re a mother, I was wondering if I could ask you for advice—”

(At this point, she starts cracking up laughing, bent double over the table. I’m just able to make out what she says next.)

Colleague: “Advice on making the baby?”

Me: “That’s not what I meant! I should have phrased that better.”

(She nods, still laughing.)

Me: “I meant advice on raising the baby. You didn’t let me finish.”

Colleague: *still laughing* “Of course you can.”

(Once the laughter has subsided, I check that the other two workmates haven’t heard. They hadn’t.)

Me: “Please don’t tell anyone else about this.”

Colleague: *jokingly* “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone who knows you.”

Only Knows His QWERTYs

| UK | Language & Words, New Hires

(I’m in my office when my receptionist comes in.)

Receptionist: “[My Name], have you been in the personnel files? They’re a mess.”

Me: “No. I told [New Guy] to take a look at them last week, though. Maybe he hasn’t gotten around to it.”

Receptionist: “No, he told me he finished yesterday.”

Me: “Well, it’s only us three who have access to them.”

(We decide to double check with the new guy and he confirms it has been done. I decide to check the files myself while the receptionist looks amused. They’re sorted correctly up to G, and then it goes completely insane.)

Me: “Well, either someone’s playing a joke or he’s lying.”

Receptionist: “I wonder…”

(She leaves the room for a moment and comes back with a confused expression.)

Receptionist: “He… doesn’t know the alphabet.”

Me: “…”

(We ended up putting sticky notes on the walls with the alphabet on them; one note for each letter. It really helped the guy, and our boss found it hilarious.)

Helps The Plants Grow Really High

| ON, Canada | Employees, Ignoring & Inattentive, Language & Words

(My mom and sister are getting ‘Weed’n’Feed’ for the lawn. They can’t find it at first so they ask an employee.)

Mom: “Where can we find your Weed’n’Feed?”

Female Employee: *condescending* “It’s illegal.”

Mom: *confused* “I just need to know where the Weed’n’Feed is.”

Female Employee: *still condescending* “We don’t sell it here; it’s illegal!”

(They went and looked for it anyways and found a bag of it on their shelf. I guess it’s not illegal enough to stop selling!)

Not How You A-Dress Customers

| TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Employees, Language & Words

(A few of my friends and I are in a clothing store. We are teenagers, and my friends have convinced me to try on a dress that I have no intention of buying. They insist, however, in seeing me.)

Me: “Here you go.”

Friend #1: “You look AWESOME!”

Friend #2: “Yeah! You totally should buy that!”

Me: “Maybe. I actually kinda like it, but—”

(One of our other party members, who was browsing clothes, hurries back over frantically.)

Friend #3: “We should leave. Hurry, please.”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Friend #3: “We need to get out of here. Now.”

(I quickly change and we leave the store.)

Me: “What happened?”

Friend #3: “The employees back there heard you say you didn’t want to buy the dress you were trying on. They were talking about us. They said, ‘Those f*****g b*****s need to get out of here so our a*****e customers can get in and spend their f*****g money already!'”

Friend #1: “WHAT?! THEY JUST LOST FOUR NEW CUSTOMERS! WE WERE GOING TO GO BACK!”

Me: “One moment.”

(I walk back into the store and find the employees.)

Employee #1: “What do you want?”

Me: “I just wanted to give you a heads up.”

Employee #2: “On what?”

Me: “I thought you should know that my friend heard every word you said. You lost four new customers with your obscene language and incredibly rude attitude. Be ready for a call to your manager. Have a nice day!”

(I left the store with the employees having horrified expressions on their faces. I called the store the next week. Ever since, the employees were fired and I was given an immense discount on my next purchase. I saw one of the employees several weeks later. She recognized me as well.)

Me: *overly sweetly* “How’s your job? Did you get a raise?”

Employee #1: “F*** you!”