Category: Rude & Risque


Cadillac In The Sack

| Houston, TX, USA | Employees, Rude & Risque, Transportation

(I work for a rental car company that is known for picking up their customers to bring them back to the office. We get a call from a near-by body shop that a customer with a high-dollar insurance policy is waiting in their office to be picked up by Rental Company. I pick up the customer, have nice small-talk with them, and bring them back to the office and begin typing the rental ticket.)

Me: “All right, sir, I’m just going to need your driver’s license and your credit card to get started.”

Customer: “Okay, great. Now, my insurance agent said you would have either a Cadillac or a Town Car for me. I’ll take whichever one you have ready right now.”

Me: “Uh… neither. I don’t carry that kind of car at my branch. I mostly deal in insurance-replacement rentals, like yours. I carry cars like the Nissan Versa, or Chevy Impala, but nothing like a Cadillac or a Lincoln product.”

Customer: “Are you serious? Why on earth would you bring me here if you don’t have the car I was promised?”

Me: “Well, I didn’t promise you anything, but here’s what I can do: I have a Chevy Suburban right here, ready to go. It’s not a Cadillac Escalade, but Cadillac is a GM product, Chevy is a GM product, so really these two cars are just distant cousins.”

Customer: “No. They’re not even close to the same. Clearly you can’t help me here, so just take me back to the body-shop. I’ll make other arrangements for a rental vehicle.”

Me: “Whatever you think is best, sir.”

(We get back in the car, which happens to be a Nissan Versa, which is important because the shifter on those cars is very close to the passenger’s seat. As I am backing up the car I say:)

Me: “Mr. [Customer], it is always our goal at [Rental Company] that you are completely satisfied with our customer service and I feel like we weren’t able to do that for you today. If there is anything I can do to make you completely satisfied, just let me know.

(At this moment I reach for the shifter to put the car into drive…. but I missed. And I accidentally grabbed his knee. He looks down at my hand on his knee. Looks me dead in the eye and says:)

Customer: “You’re not making it up to me like that!”


Putting The ‘D’ Into DeLorean

| Ashford, Kent, UK | Coworkers, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

(I am on my break with a coworker. My mobile phone receives a text – my text alert is the sonic booms that the DeLorean time machine makes when entering a new time period in the “Back to the Future” trilogy. My coworker hears the phone noise.)

Coworker: “What on earth is that noise?”

(I explain. She gives me a blank look.)

Me: “Have you seen the Back to the Future trilogy?”

Coworker: “No, not my sort of thing at all.”

(Fair enough. How boring if we all liked the same things, but then…)

Coworker: “I would rather watch a porn movie!”

Me: “…”


Time For The Telemarketer To Say Uncle

| CA, USA | Employees, Rude & Risque

(I have a pretty young sounding voice so sometimes I get calls from telemarketers asking me for my “mommy or daddy.” I get fed up with this so I decided to teach them a lesson by not immediately asking for the person they are calling for by name which would be the more professional route in my opinion.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hi, is your mommy or daddy there?”

Me: *in a childlike voice* “Yes, Mommy is in the bedroom with Uncle Sid. Daddy went to work and Uncle Sid came over and Mommy and Uncle Sid went into the bedroom and closed the door and Mommy is screaming. Why is Mommy screaming?”

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