Dementia In Absentia

| St. Michaels, MD, USA | Bosses & Owners, Top

(The owner of the place isn’t all quite there—too much to drink some days—and hardly knows how to run a business. Every day, she calls in to check on business.)

Me: *answering the phone* “Welcome to [store name], this is [name]. How may I help you?”

Owner: *sounds hungover* “[Name]? When did you start working?”

Me: “I’ve been here since we opened at 7 am.”

Owner: “What time is it now?”

Me: “Almost 11.”

Owner: “Okay, I’ll be in around noon.”

(Noon rolls by and she doesn’t show up until around 6pm.)

Owner: “Sorry, I’m late. I had to do errands.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Well, I’m almost finished cleaning up and then I’ll be leaving.”

Owner: “That’s fine.”

(The owner pulls out a bottle of rum hidden in the freezer, grabs a cake from the cooler, and then empties out the register.)

Owner: “I’m going home now. See you tomorrow.”

Me: “Alright. I’ll lock up when I’m done.”

(I finish cleaning up by 7 pm and just before I lock up, my cellphone rings. It shows my boss on the caller ID.)

Me: “Hi [boss], I’m leaving now.”

Owner: “On your way home can you drop me off my bottle of rum, maybe a cake, and tell me how much money is in the drawer?”

Me: “Uh, when you stopped by earlier, you took the rum, the cake, and the money.”

Owner: “No I didn’t!”

Me: “Yes you did. You put your money in your pocket, and took the bottle of rum and the cake to your car.”

Owner: “I swear you stole it! I’m going to call the cops and they’ll be arriving the same time that I get there!”

Me: “I swear that you stopped by and picked up the rum, your cake, and the money from the register not even an hour ago.”

(I hear a car door open in the background, followed by a string of swears.)

Me: “I take it you found what you were looking for?”

Owner: *flustered* “You lucked out this time! I found the cake and the money, but the bottle of rum is empty and sitting on the passenger seat of my car!”

Me: “Did you drink it on your way home? I don’t think the cops would have appreciated that.”

Owner: *click*

(I closed up shop, left my key, and never returned to work after that!)

Very Little IQ

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

Employee: “Welcome to [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Me: “I’d like a large Cherry Coke with very little ice, please.”

Employee: “Okay, that will be $1.87, please.”

Me: “Here you go.”

Employee: “$0.13 is your change.”

Me: “Thank you.”

(Before filling my drink, the employee opens the ice reservoir, looks in and gets a puzzled look on his face.)

Employee: “I don’t think I can make the ice any smaller.”

Me: “I meant a very small amount of ice.”

Employee: “Oh, thank goodness. I didn’t know what to do!”

Not A-Moo-sing In The Least

, | Kitchener, Ontario, Canada | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(A coworker-in-training is asking me some questions about the different ingredients in each sub.)

Coworker: “So, what animal does turkey come from?”

Me: “Turkey.”

Coworker: “Yeah, the turkey breast…what animal is that from?”

Me: *gives up* “Cow.”

Coworker: “Really?”

Me: “No.”

(Believe it or not, she became the general manager of our store!)

Just Grit And Bear It

| Lake Bluff, IL, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid

(I go to my local superstore in search of sandpaper to fix a door frame. I spot an employee putting away groceries.)

Me: “Hi…where can I find sandpaper?”

Employee: *confused* “…Papaya?”

Me: “No, no. Sandpaper, for making things smooth.”

Employee: *confused* “Computer?”

Me: *giving up* “Thanks, I’ll try and find it myself.”

Employee: *sudden look of comprehension* “Shelf!”

Case Insensitive

| Dallas, TX, USA | Coworkers, Technology

(Our company policy is to have user accounts get locked if they type their password wrong three times in a row.)

Employee: “I’m locked out! This must be a system failure, because I can’t be that stupid to type in my password wrong.”

Me: “Well, you were indeed locked out. I just unlocked you, so go ahead and try it again.”

(I hear the employee type loudly over the phone.)

Employee: “It’s still not working! See, I told you it’s a problem with the system!”

Me: “Did you check if you probably have Caps Lock on or Num Lock off?”

Employee: “You must really think I’m stupid! I already checked that!”

(I hear him typing again, but softer.)

Employee: “Oh…it’s working now.” *hangs up*