This Kind Of Thing Needs Reporting

| Manchester, England, UK | Bigotry, Coworkers

(There are two of us in my department. I am the one in charge while the other handles more clerical work. We have two security guards that need to attend a meeting every other week. They usually come in two or three times a week for a report. Because the other guy is closest to the door, we have always assumed they just go to him because it’s easier. He however doesn’t know how to do the report and doesn’t have the computer privileges to do it, so he simply hands the request onto me and I drop it in their pigeon-hole as I walk past. He has been on holiday for the past week so they have instead been coming to me. Up to now I wouldn’t have thought they had an issue. I am in a store cupboard retrieving some paperwork when they come in. I can hear everything they say, but they cannot see me. This is my coworker’s first day back. He is white, while I am of mixed descent, with my father’s side being black.)

Guard #1: “[Coworker]! Thank God you’re back! We need that report literally now!”

Coworker: “Has [My Name] not been doing it for you?”

Guard #2: “He’s been trying, but you can’t expect [racial slur]s like that do handle something this important. He could barely understand a word we said, and his reports were just drivel. Your work actually makes sense.”

Coworker: “Actually, I have nothing to do with the report. I don’t know to do it and just hand it on to [My Name] after you leave. Every report you have ever had from this department was made by him. If they didn’t make any sense to you then you asked for the wrong information.”

Guard #1: “He doesn’t understand us! F****** foreigners!”

Coworker: “And on that, [My Name] has lived in Manchester all his life. He’s a ‘manc’ just as much as you are. As for me, I’m from Norway, so I’m the ‘f****** foreigner’ here!”

(They left and I came out of the cupboard. My coworker is looking at me, visibly angry.)

Coworker: *says something in Norwegian about them being c***s or something*

(He put in a complaint and we both decided to switch desks to see if that fixed anything. It didn’t, and only caused them to jump the first time seeing me there. They still come in and go directly to him for the report. He instead now directs them to me, and they sheepishly trundle back and quietly speak to me. Instead of them waiting now, though, I just print it right there. They’ve never made any other racist comments to either of us. Nothing else has changed in over a year, so I assume the complaint was either ignored or just resulted in a slap on the wrist. With that being said, though, you would think that after a year they would have taken the hint and just come to me, but no, they still go to my coworker, hoping to only deal with him.)

Put-Back In Their Place

| USA | Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Liars/Scammers

(In high school I get a job at a high-end dollar store where the majority of the staff are teenage girls like me. There have been a few instances of drama, but I keep to myself and mind my own business so most of it goes over my head. Our store keeps a basket at the register for items customers decide not to buy at the last minute, and figuring out where those things came from can be difficult since we have so much random stock, so everyone hates putting them back. I just came back from lunch, and before I left I was in the middle of putting out new merchandise. One of my coworkers at the register calls to me as I walk into the store.)

Coworker: “[My Name], [Manager] wants you to do the put-backs.”

(I’m already suspicious, because why wait for me to come back and not ask one of them to do it? I could confront her, or just go ahead and take care of it, but as I’m House Slytherin, I smile and say:)

Me: “Okay, let me ask her if she wants me to finish my project first.”

Coworker: *insistent* “No, she wants you to do the put-backs.”

Me: *giving her a vague, confused stare* “Okay, but I was in the middle of a project and it’s not done, so I’m just going to ask her what she wants me to do first.”

Coworker: *even more impatient and insistent* “Did you HEAR me? She WANTS you to do the PUT-BACKS.”

(At this point, if she had fessed up and apologized, or even just backed down, I would have let it go. But she doesn’t, so I keep staring at her like I am honestly confused, and say:)

Me: “Okay, but I need to know what she wants me to do first, so I’m just going to go ask her.”

(I head for the back office and poke my head in.)

Me: “[Manager], [Coworker] said you wanted me to do put-backs. Would you like me to finish my project first?”

Manager: “I didn’t tell her to ask you to do that.”

Me: *cue look of vague confusion* “Oh…?”

Manager: “Go finish your project.”

(They called her over the PA a few minutes later, and apparently she got fired for that. I regret nothing. Never try to play a Slytherin.)

Served With A Side Order Of Flayed Nemo

| UK | Coworkers, Food & Drink, Movies & TV

(I am a foreigner working in the UK for a period of time. While fairly fluent in English, I sometimes have problems with specialized vocabulary, such as the words for different things you come across in the fancy restaurant where I work. Luckily I’m not afraid to ask for explanations.)

Me: *to chef* “What is venison?”

Chef: “It’s Bambi.”

What Really Happens When Lawyers Pull All-Nighters

| TX, USA | Coworkers, Rude & Risque

(We’ve just had a lawyer move out of our six-room law office, leaving a rather massive room that the rest of us have discussed putting a couch into for naps. I should note that, aside from the remaining lawyer, the rest of the staff is female.)

Me: “I think we should put one of the front office couches in there, then get a black leather couch to put up front.”

Coworker #1: *snickering* “Can you imagine the looks we’ll get?”

Coworker #2: “What? Why? I don’t get it.”

Me: “Apparently, there’s some porno where people walk into an office with a black leather couch and have sex on it in front of the camera. It’s become some kind of a known thing, there’s memes of people with black leather couches and the saying ‘You know where this is going’ on the picture.”

Coworker #2: “Oh! That’s disgusting! But it would definitely pick the perverts out out when we have clients.”

Me: “That’s why I want to put one of those in the front room, just to see the reaction they get.”

(A week later, we have a handful of clients in the waiting room, when Coworker #2 comes walking by my desk.)

Coworker #2: *to me* “So, are you still looking for that black leather couch?”

(One of the male clients, who is in his 40s, got a shocked look on his face almost immediately. My coworkers and I had a good laugh about his reaction.)

The Apple Fell Very Far From The Tree

| FL, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Employees, Food & Drink

(At the supermarket where I work, they set out daily fresh fruit in the break-room for the employees… usually just apples, bananas, and oranges, but occasionally other things like sliced watermelon and strawberries. This, along with free bottles of water and soda, is company policy, and a lot of us enjoy it. I walk in one morning to see a new guy, about my age (I’m in my early 30s), from another department sneering at it.)

Guy: “Can you believe this? What do they think we are… three?”

Me: “What?”

Guy: “Fruit! Like we’re freaking kids or something.”

Me: “Uh. Do you not… eat fruit?”

Guy: *gives me a scornful look* “No. Because I’m an ADULT.”

Me: “…okay, then.”

(I shrugged, grabbed an orange, then sat down and set about peeling it. Another coworker walked in and the guy gestured to me with a “Can you believe her? What, is she a toddler?” The other coworker was just as confused as I was. Maybe one day I’ll be cool as the other guy and only eat adult food like, I presume, steak and potatoes and tax forms, but until then, I’ll just enjoy my baby orange.)