Be Good To Your Daughters

| MO, USA | Bad Behavior, Bosses & Owners, Family & Kids

New Manager: *shouting* “Don’t f****** tell me what to do, you f****** piece of s***! I’m the f****** manager, not you!” *stomps out the back door*

Me: “[Owner’s Daughter], does he know who you are?”

Owner’s Daughter: *texting mom* “I don’t think so, but he’s about to.”

(We never saw that manager again.)

Their IT Request Is Mount Doomed

| Arlington, VA, USA | Coworkers, Geeks Rule, Technology

(My company requires access to another entity which has their own user account requirements. I and three others were granted access in about a month’s time… but those other three people either left or let their accounts lapse. I’ve been trying for six months now to get other people access but I’m still the only one with access at this point.)

Program Director: “I see you sent an email out that I was cc’d on about getting our guys access. On the subject line you said this was a ‘User access quest.’ Did you mean quest or request?”

Me: “Considering that it took Frodo about six months to travel from the Shire to Mount Doom, I think we can safely classify this as a quest.”

Four Score And Half An Hour Earlier

| Canada | Coworkers, Lazy/Unhelpful, Time

(I have always disliked Coworker #1 for being lazy and sloppy with his work.)

Coworker #2: “[My Name], where is [Coworker #1]?”

Me: “It’s after four.”

Coworker #2: “So?”

Me: “Isn’t he done work at four?”

Coworker #2: “No, not until 4:30. Why would you think he only works until four?”

Me: “Because he always leaves at four.”

(It was a happy day for me indeed when he handed in his resignation.)

The Mother Of All Screams

| USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Family & Kids

(I’m new, on my first week, training with a manager. So far, everything has been going very well. The phone rings and my manager gestures me to pick it up.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Motel]. This is [My Name]. How may I assist you?”

Old Lady: “Gimme [Manager].”

Manager: *mouths* “Who is it?”

Me: “Who is it?”

(The old lady pauses, then angrily screams Tarzan-like. It’s sounds like ‘EHAHHHEHHHHHAHHHH!’. It is earsplitting, and I have to hold the phone away.)

Me: “I’m… sorry? I don’t understand—”

(The old lady continues screaming it without taking a breath. Worried that she might be having a seizure, I look at my manager. She takes the phone and says hello but the old lady hangs up.)

Me: *bug eyed* “Wuh, what was that all about?”

Manager: *matter of fact* “My mom. She hates when you ask who she is. You should have said that I asked who it is.” *ignores my shock*

Me: “Riiight…”

(Thankfully the old lady didn’t call back ever again. I switched jobs soon after, and the same thing happened at my new job! Wow.)

Cortana Is Acting Very Siri

| Slough, England, UK | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Technology

(Two of my colleagues were comparing smartphones in the break room.)

Dan: “Hi, Cortana!”

Bruce: “That’s a bit effeminate isn’t it? ‘Hi, Cortana?’”

Dan: “…Text Bruce and tell him he’s a prick.”

Me: “Wait, does that actually interpret it and put it in second person?”

Bruce: *reads the text* “Nope. Just ‘he’s a prick.’ Okay, let me try. Siri, text Dan and tell him he’s a prick.”

(There’s a pause.)

Bruce: “NO, NOT DARREN!” *his boss’s name! Luckily he cancelled in time!*