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Hanukkah’t Believe It

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Holidays, Religion

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any program guides for the Atlanta Jewish Film Festival?”

Me: “No, ma’am. Not yet.”

Customer: “They are taking forever with that thing! Do you know when they’re supposed to come in?”

Me: “Christmas.”

(She makes a face.)

Me: “Yeah… I know.”

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A Thrill In The Drive-Thru

| OH, USA | Awesome Workers, Bosses & Owners

(One of the managers at my workplace has gotten to know my little brother, who is in the high school marching band. Every now and then, she’ll ask me about the type of show the band does at the football game.)

Me: “This week, they did a Thriller show. The drum major’s mom knows [Local Costume Store Owner], so [Local Costume Store Owner] rented a hearse, which brought the drum major onto the field.”

Manager: “That’s so cool!”

Me: “They even wore zombie makeup. Mom and Dad didn’t recognize [Brother].”

(At that time, my parents come through the drive-thru, with my brother in the car. When they pull up to the window after paying, my manager grabs the bag of food.)

Manager: “Show me the Thriller pics!”

(My manager stopped the drive-thru workers so we could all watch the video of the marching band’s half-time show.)

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First Aid Came Last

| NM, USA | Health & Body

(My shift starts with my shift-lead noticing a giant new box of bandages in the store.)

Shift Lead: “I love how you injure yourselves so often that [Manager] believes we need 1000 bandages of varying sizes.”

(Not even 20 minutes later.)

Coworker: *holding hand awkwardly* “Um. I cut myself on the blender.”

(His finger is gushing blood and there’s an awkward flap of skin hanging off.)

Shift Lead: “Crap. How did you ev— Okay, clearly [Manager] should have sprung for sutures and first aid training for everyone. Someone disinfect that blender. Jeez, do I need to take you to the ER?”

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They’ll Be (Per)Fuming

| Duluth, MN, USA | Bosses & Owners, Pranks

(There is a rumor that our stockroom is haunted. According to legend, the stockroom smells strongly of perfume right before the “ghost” shows up. My department happens to have its own, very small stockroom that is hardly used.)

Me: “Hey?”

Coworker: “Yes?”

Me: “Can you help me move a shelf in my stockroom?”

Coworker: “Sure!”

Me: *in the stockroom* “Gee, doesn’t it smell strongly of perfume in here?”

(There happens to be two shelves of perfume, RIGHT NEXT TO HER.)

Coworker: “Oh, GOSH, it’s the ghost!” *runs out*

(I do this again several times to other coworkers. Some are scared, some amused. Word spreads through the store that the ghost ALWAYS turns up in my stockroom. Nobody thinks to notice the perfume. Finally, two managers take notice that the other workers refuse to help me in my stockroom.)

Manager #1: *who is a skeptic* “What is this about your stockroom being scary?”

Manager #2: “Is it the ghost?”

Me: “I don’t know; want to see?”

(We all enter the stockroom.)

Me: “Doesn’t it smell strongly of perfume in here?”

Manager #2: “Oh! The ghost!”

Manager #1: “There’s a whole bunch of perfume back here. Are people actually falling for this?”

Me: *dying of laughter*

Manager #2: “YOU…! YOU!”

(She ACTUALLY hit me several times with her clipboard before stomping out of my stockroom.)

Manager #1: “Sooo… If you agree to stop this prank, and not sue for hitting you, I might decide to not write you up.”

Me: “You want to write me up for asking people if it smells like perfume in a stockroom with perfume in plain sight?”

Manager #1: “Good point. What if I promise not to tell all those people you were fooling them? Would you promise to stop? Because I’m pretty sure an angry mob would want payback.”

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When Stuck In The Cave Just Follow The Punch Lines

| CO, USA | Awesome Workers

(My family and I have gone to a place where everything is centered around the natural cave tunnels in a mountain. They offer tours of the tunnels and the tour guides are really funny. These are some of my favorite remarks.)

Tour Guide #1: *standing in front of a narrow and short tunnel* “This is what we call the fat man’s headache, but if you duck, tuck, and suck you’ll make it through without a—” *bows down and quickly starts going through the tunnel backwards* “—bummmmpppp.”

(Later in the tour, we are standing off to the side to let another tour group pass us.)

Tour Guide #2: “Be careful around this group. They’ve been trapped down here for days and are probably hungry for fresh meat!”

Tour Guide #1: “Don’t worry, I have them trained to only eat ugly people. Oops! Sorry, [Tour Guide #2], you’re out of luck!”