I Can Clearly See Why I Have A Headache

| Canada | Coworkers, Health & Body

(One of my coworkers/friends has been complaining about a headache all day. Finally…)

Coworker: “Oh, my god, no wonder I have a headache! I’m wearing my glasses and my contacts!”

Me: “Wow. You’re not even four-eyes. You’re like… six-eyes!”

(That became one of her nicknames.)

Turns All Sales To Stone

| HI, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Bosses & Owners

(I work in the fine jewelry section of a large, well-known department store. This conversation happens with a young, laid-back manager.)

Me: “[Manager], come see this.”

Manager: “What?”

Me: “Did you know we have a Medusa pendant in the men’s jewelry?”

Manager: “What, really? Yikes.”

Me: “I know, right? Who the hell designed this, and why do we have it?”

Manager: “I have no idea. You sure this is men’s?”

Me: “Does it make any more sense if it was made for women? But yeah, check the size of the pendant and the thickness of the chain you’d need; it’s men’s. It’s also [several hundred dollars] at full price.”

Manager: “Wow.”

Me: “Because what a guy really needs in his life is Medusa’s severed head hanging from his neck.”

Manager: “…I’ll give you 25 dollars of [Store credit] if you sell this thing.”

Me: “DONE.”

(Hey, guys, what you really need in your life is Medusa’s severed head hanging from your neck, and I would be happy to take care of that for you!)

Emperor Trumpatine

| Norfolk, VA, USA | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Geeks Rule, Politics

Warning: This story contains potential spoilers for Star Wars: The Force Awakens!

(Every morning my boss comes into the office to chat with me and coworkers. It’s a very relaxed environment and the conversation varies widely between entertainment and politics. I am the youngest person in the room and my boss and coworkers were my age when the first Star Wars movie came out. This happened about a month after Star Wars: Episode 7 came out and my boss has finally seen the movie.)

Boss: *joking* “What is it with these movies and people getting killed on bridges. You know, I’m all for light-saber control laws.”

Coworker: “But if they had light-saber control then only The dark side would have light-sabers!”

Fails To Register

| DE, USA | Bosses & Owners, Extra Stupid, Money

(I work at a women’s retail clothing store. My fellow assistant manager is not the brightest bulb, and conversations like this one happen frequently. I call the store back after leaving my shift to give fellow manager a heads up…)

Me: “Hi, [Assistant Manager], I wanted to let you know I forgot to split the change order between the two registers when I came back from the bank run. Could you buy some of the $1s from Register #1 into Register #2, please?”

Assistant Manager: “Sure thing. I did notice that Register #2 is low on $1s. You want me to just take them from Register #1?”

(The next day:)

Assistant Manager: “Hey, something was off with the registers last night when I closed. Register #1 was short, but Register #2 was over the same amount! I counted them both down and just took the over amount from Register #1 and put it into Register #2. Then they both finally came out okay! How do you think that happened?”

Me: “When I asked you to buy some $1s from Register #1 to put into Register #2, did you buy them or just take the $1s from Register #1 and put them in Register #2?”

Assistant Manager: “Oh, I took some $1s from R1 and put them in R2….WOW, that’s the same amount as the shortage from last night! Think that has anything to do with it?”

(Oh, and this person’s previous occupation? A bank manager, for almost 20 years.)

The Cure Is More Painful Than The Disease

| Canberra, ACT, Australia | Employees, Health & Body, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful

(I have a condition which causes terrible pain for a couple weeks, and inevitably, lots of lost work and medical fees. The treatment is simple, but I can’t get it without a diagnosis, which can only be done with a test when I’m symptomatic. I figure that if I only have to go through one more terrible fortnight of vomiting, pain, hospital visits, and being near broke, it would be worth it to never go through it again. I call the doctor’s office.)

Me: “Hi, I’ve been calling about that test. Is is back yet? It’s spelt P-O-R-P-H-Y-R-”

Receptionist: “Uhhh, yep. Found it; it’s back. Would you like to book an appointment? We’ve got this morning available, at 11 am?””

Me: “Absolutely. I’ll take time off work. See you soon!”

(When I arrive at the office, my doctor tells me it’s not back after all, and tries to stretch out my fifteen minute slot. As I’m paying, I speak to the receptionist who I suspect made the mistake that morning.)

Receptionist: “That will be $88. Thank you. Swipe here.”

Me: *while swiping my card* “You know, I called this morning to check if a specific test result had returned. I certainly wouldn’t have wasted the time and money to cut a shift short to come in if I’d known it wasn’t. Can you please clear up the correct procedure with your staff members, so everyone knows what they’re doing, and this doesn’t happen again?”

(The receptionist doesn’t acknowledge anything I’m saying, and keeps her eyes trained on the computer.)

Receptionist: “…and now, swipe a savings card, please.”

Me: “Did you hear me? Are you going to speak with your team?”

Receptionist: *finally giving me a deadpan, unconcerned stare* “Sure. Next, please.”

(Later that day, I get a call from the pathology lab, after having been asked by my doctor why it’s taken so long.)

Pathologist: “So, uh, can you come in tomorrow morning to give us another sample?”

Me: “What? I can’t! I’m better now. The results will be normal. What happened to my test?”

Pathologist: “It was damaged by light. You know, you’re supposed to protect it from light.”

Me: “I KNOW! It was wrapped in foil at the lab where I gave it, right in front of me. I saw the guy put in fridge. Who the h*** unwrapped it, and left it in light?!”

Pathologist: “Yeah. I don’t know. You can come by tomorrow morning, or you can choose to take the test when you experience the symptoms again.”

Me: *devastated, begins crying* “What? Fine, I’ll come in tomorrow. Maybe there’s some chance they’ll still show the results I need.”

Pathologist: “Great. Each one is $80, by the way.”