Raising The Joke

| QLD, Australia | Coworkers, Language & Words

(We’re at one of our weekly team lunches at a pub near our office. By this point, several colleagues have gone back to the office. Two of my workmates are at the far end of the table are talking, and I’m discussing baby names with another one. This colleague is a single mother.)

Me: “On another note, [Colleague], my wife and I will be going for a baby in a few months. Given that you’re a mother, I was wondering if I could ask you for advice—”

(At this point, she starts cracking up laughing, bent double over the table. I’m just able to make out what she says next.)

Colleague: “Advice on making the baby?”

Me: “That’s not what I meant! I should have phrased that better.”

(She nods, still laughing.)

Me: “I meant advice on raising the baby. You didn’t let me finish.”

Colleague: *still laughing* “Of course you can.”

(Once the laughter has subsided, I check that the other two workmates haven’t heard. They hadn’t.)

Me: “Please don’t tell anyone else about this.”

Colleague: *jokingly* “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone who knows you.”

Do Not Pass Word, Go Directly To Jail

| USA | Liars/Scammers

(Earlier in the day, I got a phone call from a female scammer claiming to be from my auto lender. I had a password put on that account for security. About an hour later, I get another call while driving.)

Scammer: “I’m calling to get a car payment from you or your car will be repossessed.”

Me: “What’s the password?”

Scammer: “There is no password. I need your bank account number to process your payment or I’ll take your car.”

Me: “What’s my current address and which car is it?”

Scammer: “[Address from three years ago] and [Car I haven’t owned in years].”

Me: “You know what? Come and get it! It hasn’t worked for months! I’m going to sue you for selling me a piece of crap car! I lost my job because of it and now I don’t know how I’m going to feed my kids!” *continuous stream of profanity and accusations at the scammer*

Scammer: *keeps trying to interrupt, finally hangs up*

(Let him try to go to a place I no longer live at to take a car I no longer own.)

But You Expressly Said So

| Millbrae, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre/Silly, Employees

(I finish putting all my stuff on the conveyor belt at the express lane and the lady behind me starts putting her stuff behind me.)

Cashier: “Please make sure you have 15 or less items because this is the express lane.”

(We both start counting to make sure we have less than 15 items. Then the cashier adds:)

Cashier: “I don’t really care if you have more than 15 items but it’s the other customers; they’re the ones that complain.”

Don’t Throw Electronics Or You’ll Be Charged

| MA, USA | Employees, Money, Technology

(We are cleaning out the electrics closet.)

Electrician: *pulling something out of a plastic bag* “I don’t know what this is, but it looks like it costs money. Don’t throw it out.”

Not As Slick As The City Slickers

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Employees, History, Tourists & Travel

(It’s summer, and my husband and I are having a “stay-cation”. We’ve decided that it might be fun to go on a tour of our own city.)

Tour Guide: “Over there is a statue of [Important City Founder].” *proceeds to give us incorrect information about the guy*

Husband: “Um, excuse me? That’s not right.”

Tour Guide: “Oh?”

Husband: “No.” *gives correct information*

Tour Guide: “Thanks! Now, over there is [History Building].” *gives us incorrect information about the building*

Me: “Excuse me, that’s not right either.”

Tour Guide: “No offense, but how do you know that?”

Husband: “We’re from here. We’ve lived here most of our lives.”

Tour Guide: “Then why are you on this tour?”

Me: “…to learn new things about our city.”