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Puntassium

| Chicago, IL, USA | Employees, Pun

Customer: “Do you sell potassium over the counter?”

Me: “Nope. Sorry. It’s by prescription only.”

Customer: “You sell all of these vitamins, but no potassium; Unbelievable!”

Me: “Yeah. I know. It’s bananas!”

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The Lack Of Comprehension Is A-Paul-ling

| Pittsburgh, PA USA | Coworkers, Funny Names

(I am a female contracted web designer for an online retailer with over 50,000 employees, over 1,000 of which work at my location alone. Most of the employees I deal with are about 20 steps away. I have been working for over a year and receive almost no phone calls. Then one day, my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name].”

Caller: *surprised* “Hello, is Paul there?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “When will he be back?”

Me: “There is no Paul here. You have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Is this not [Company]?”

Me: “It is. You have the wrong extension, then.”

Caller: *stunned silence*

Me: “Maybe go through the directory again?”

Caller: “Okay…”

Me: “Okay! Thanks! Have a good one!” *hangs up*

(One week later the phone rings again. It is the same guy.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name]”

Caller: *surprised* “Hello, is Paul around?”

Me: “This is not Paul’s extension—”

Caller: “Can you transfer me?”

Me: “There is no one named Paul around. I don’t even know who you are looking for.”

Caller: “Paul [Last Name].”

Me: “I don’t know who that is. I have no way of getting his extension for you. Maybe try sending him an email and he could get you the right number to dial.”

Caller: *stunned silence*

Me: “Okay, thank you. Have a nice day” *hangs up*

(The next day the phone rings again, showing the same location. I press Ignore.)

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The Job Doesn’t Suck As Much As You Do

| New Britain, CT, USA | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Rude & Risque

(When I first start working in my kitchen, I am the first female cook they’ve hired in several years, and younger than most of my coworkers by at least ten years. At first they are afraid of offending me or behaving too brash for the “little girl” in the kitchen. They try to do a lot of the “heavy” work for me and tone down their language a lot or otherwise became completely silent when I arrive, but by the end of the second week I prove that I am just as strong an employee as they are and that their crude language generally doesn’t bother me because it is all in jest. On this particular day I have made a point to one of the guys that he doesn’t need to help me lift a heavy piece of equipment because I’m “just as much a man as he is,” and the running gag of the day becomes that I announce “suck my d*ck” instead of “heard” or “echo” whenever a coworker made a request.)

Coworker #1: “[My Name], can I get a side of sour cream?”

Me: “Suck my d*ck!” *I put sour cream in the serve window*

Coworker #2: “Hey, hon, I need a refill on chicken breast.”

Me: “Suck my d*ck!” *I run to the cooler to get chicken*

Coworker #3: “Fries coming your way!”

Me: “Suuuuuuuuuuuuuck my d*********ck!”

Voice Behind Me: “[My Name], can you portion broccoli for dinner, please?”

Me: *without turning around* “Suck my d*ck!”

(I turn around and instead of a coworker, it is my boss, the kitchen manager, standing next to HIS boss the DISTRICT MANAGER.)

Kitchen Manager: “Uh, what?”

Me: “I mean, suck my d*ck, SIR!”

Kitchen Manager: “Oh… Okay, then.”

(I ran off to portion broccoli, red in the face. From the fridge I hear my kitchen manager.)

Kitchen Manager: *to District Manager* “Yeah, I was worried, too, but she’s starting to fit in perfectly.”

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Tequila Myself Slowly

| NY, USA | Food & Drink

Bartender: “What can I get you?”

Me: “A slow and painful death.”

Bartender: “…”

Me: “…”

Bartender: “…”

Me: “…”

Bartender: “Tequila shots coming right up!”

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Made A Large Mistake

| New York City, NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Employees, Health & Body

(My sister and I are born-and-raised New Yorkers, but our relatives live in Finland. When they visit, we decide to go buy some corny souvenirs together. I need a new hoodie and decide to get the classic one with the NYPD logo. Please note that I am recovering from anorexia.)

Me: “Hi! Do you have the NYPD hoodie in medium or small?”

Employee: *looks me up and down* “You need a large.”

Me: “Er… I’m a size medium or small. The hoodies are bigger in size. I’m not a large.”

Employee: *laughs* “Sweetie, you’re a large. You need the big one.”

Me: “I know my body, thanks. There’s nothing wrong with being plus-sized, but you’re being very rude.”

(In Swedish, I told my sister and our relatives what he had said and we all promptly put back all the stuff we were going to buy. I felt insulted, but he lost the 200 dollars we were prepared to spend.)