Raising The Joke

| QLD, Australia | Coworkers, Language & Words

(We’re at one of our weekly team lunches at a pub near our office. By this point, several colleagues have gone back to the office. Two of my workmates are at the far end of the table are talking, and I’m discussing baby names with another one. This colleague is a single mother.)

Me: “On another note, [Colleague], my wife and I will be going for a baby in a few months. Given that you’re a mother, I was wondering if I could ask you for advice—”

(At this point, she starts cracking up laughing, bent double over the table. I’m just able to make out what she says next.)

Colleague: “Advice on making the baby?”

Me: “That’s not what I meant! I should have phrased that better.”

(She nods, still laughing.)

Me: “I meant advice on raising the baby. You didn’t let me finish.”

Colleague: *still laughing* “Of course you can.”

(Once the laughter has subsided, I check that the other two workmates haven’t heard. They hadn’t.)

Me: “Please don’t tell anyone else about this.”

Colleague: *jokingly* “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone who knows you.”

Making Certain Allowances For Age

, | CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Employees

(I’m at a restaurant with my mother picking up a to-go order, when I reach for my wallet to pay.)

Waiter: *turns to my mom* “Is she paying with her allowance?”

Me: “No— I… How old are you?”

Waiter: *offended* “I’m thirty-four.”

Mom: “How old does she look?”

Waiter: “Older than sixteen.”

Me: “I’m twenty four.”

(He apologized profusely. And said one day I’d appreciate looking so young. This happens all the time.)

Doesn’t Have The Sheep’s Stomach For Your Assumptions

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Employees, Food & Drink, Tourists & Travel

(I am a Canadian backpacker and go into a pub on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh. I approach the bartender.)

Me: “Hi, ‘scuse me, I had a question about the menu—”

Bartender: *sigh* “Haggis is sheep’s liver, lungs and heart, cooked in its stomach, and no, I’m not joking.”

Me: “I know THAT. My parents are both members of the Royal Vancouver Island Scottish Country Dance Society and my friends all think they’re terminally weird after hearing about how we have to drink a toast to sheep guts every January 25th. Now could you please tell me how many sausages come with the bangers and mash?”

Speaking Of The Christmas Party…

| Coworkers, Holidays

(We’re at the office Christmas party and Coworker #1 has had way too much to drink and is now shouting every few seconds. I’m chatting with Coworker #2.)

Me: “I think [Coworker #1] has reached his limit.”

(Coworker #2 glances over at Coworker #1.)

Coworker #1: “ROCK AND ROLL!”

Coworker #2: “Nope. He can still speak.”

Here’s Your Rum And Coke, Mistress

| Annapolis, MD, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Employees

(I meet my husband at a bar after I’m done with work.)

Husband: “You look like you’re ready for a drink.”

Me: “Yeah, a little bit. Could I have a rum and Coke, please?”

Bartender: “No problem. You look a little stressed.”

Me: “I had a long evening at work. I’m just glad to be off.”

Bartender: “You got a hard job?”

Me: “Just a really, really weird one.”

Bartender: “It can’t be that strange.”

Me: “It’s pretty weird.”

Bartender: “I bet I’ve heard of weirder!”

Me: “I’m a professional dominatrix.”

Bartender: “…”

Me: “I just spent all evening spanking people and calling them really nasty names.”

Bartender: “Okay… you got me there.”

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