What Is This Channel Madness?!

| AL, USA | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Movies & TV

(I am on the online help support chat. I don’t currently have any television service, and I have contacted them to see about ordering certain channels.)

Me: “Do you offer channels ala carte? I don’t want to pay for 300 channels just to get the three I might actually want.”

Chat agent: “Which channel did you want?”

Me: “It’s [premium channel].”

Chat agent: “That channel is available in our U300 package!”

Me: *head-desk*

A Persistent Stream

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive

(I get a call from my Internet provider with yet another promotional offer.)

Caller: “We’d like to offer you six months free cable if you sign up now!”

Me: “Thanks, but I don’t own a TV. I stream everything I need online.”

Caller: “Yes, but this is for a free six months!”

Me: “No, I don’t think you understand. I don’t own a TV at all. Does your promo include a free TV? Because if not your offer really doesn’t do me any good. ”

Caller: “Well… no.”

Me: *chuckle* “Ok, then.”

Caller: “But! So… um, do you plan on getting a TV?”

Me: *face-palm*

(At least no one could say he wasn’t persistent!)

We’re In Flori-duh!

, | MI, USA | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Technology

Telemarketer: “We’re calling to make sure that you’re receiving the best value for your money.”

Me: “Thanks, but someone already called last week. We put our Internet service on hold until we return from Florida in the spring, and we don’t have cable TV. So, I don’t want you to waste your time.”

Telemarketer: “Uh, okay, well, who is your cable provider?”

Me: “[Your Company] is our provider, but like I said, we don’t have cable TV. We only have your Internet service, and that is on hold until spring.”

Telemarketer: “Well, we just want to make sure that you’re receiving the best value for your money—”

Me: “Yes, I know, but like I said, we’re in a whole ‘nother state; we’re not in our house so obviously we don’t want cable right now. Maybe in the future.”

Telemarketer: “How many TVs do you have in your home?”

Me: *sighing inwardly* “One.”

Telemarketer: “Is it high definition?”

Me: “Yes, but as I mentioned, we don’t want cable TV so you’re wasting your time.”

Telemarketer: “Uh, okay, well, we just want to make sure—”

Me: “Thanks, but no thanks. Goodbye!”

Voice Unrecognition

| OK, USA | Employees, Technology

(I have had a cold and my voice, which is already very low pitched, has now become a gravelly basso profundo.)

Computer Voice: “Would you like to pay your bill now?”

Me: “Yes.”

Computer Voice: “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

Me: *rumbling louder* “Yes!”

Computer Voice: “I’m sorry, but I can’t understand you. I will transfer you to an associate now.”

Human: “Can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like to pay my bill.”

Human: “Yes, I can take care of that for you, but there is a $5 fee if you don’t use our automated services.”

Me: “Yes, I know, but I tried that and it wouldn’t understand me.”

Human: “Um…” *short pause to think about that* “Okay, I think I can waive the fee for that.”

Me: “That would be nice.”

(They dropped the voice recognition not long after.)

World Wide Watery Web

, | New York, NY, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Technology

(I’m on the phone, trying to resolve an issue where the cable company has mistakenly logged my account as disconnected.)

Me: “I’m a little confused. The e-mail I received from you says that my account was disconnected, but I still have cable service.”

Employee: “Well, that can’t be possible. You are disconnected. A technician went out to your residence and physically disconnected the lines yesterday.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think you’re understanding me. That didn’t happen. My cable and internet are still working. The lines have NOT been disconnected. If you have my account categorized as disconnected, why am I still receiving cable service?”

Employee: “Well, there may just be some leftover service in the lines. That will get less and less strong as it finishes out and gets used up. That happens sometimes.”

Me: “Leftover service in the lines? Like water in a pipe?”

Employee: “Exactly like that. There is just leftover cable and internet in the lines. It’ll run out soon.”

Me: “You do realize that cable and internet are not physical things that flow through a line, right?”

Employee: “No, I don’t think that’s correct. The service goes through the wires and into your home, just like water through a pipe. You just have some leftover service in your wires.”

Me: “…Can I speak to your supervisor?”

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