Your Request Is Sickening

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Bosses & Owners, Crazy Requests, Health & Body

(Performance review time: everything is excellent, get a big raise, and then…)

Manager: “We need to talk about your sick days…”

Me: “Okay…”

Manager: “You used all of them this year.”

Me: “Yes, I don’t believe in coming to work sick and infecting others.”

Manager: “You used most of them last year, too.”

Me: “Yes, I got the flu and stayed home.”

Manager: “We need you to try not to do that again.”

Me: “Get sick?”

Manager: “Yeah.”

Me: “Sure… I’ll try.”

(I left shaking my head and made a point to use every sick day for the next few years!)

We’re Sure Apple Is Working On An Update For That

| Seattle, WA, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers

(I work for a major cell phone retailer as their national sales support; basically, I am a care agent for the store reps. For this particular call from a store, I was assisting the rep in fixing a customer’s bill because it was sitting at about $2,000 which is much higher than it should have been.)

Me: “All right, so I can see that the bill is looking much better now. I’ve got those activation fees waived, the access charges adjusted, and the accelerated charges are being adjusted right now. Okay?”

Store Rep: “Thank you so much. You are the best. I would hug you if you were a real person! I mean, wait… You are a real person, but you know…”

Me: *whilst laughing uncontrollably* “I know exactly what you mean. No worries. You just meant if I was there in person, since you can’t hug me through the phone.”

Store Rep: *laughing* “Exactly, you know what I mean. It would look pretty weird if I hugged the phone in the store.”

Me: “Well, everything is taken care of here now. The customer’s bill is now [amount much lower] and we have all incorrect charges adjusted. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Store Rep: “No, that is everything. You are the greatest. Thank you so much!”

Me: “Thank you for calling and have a great rest of your shift!”

(That call had me smiling for the rest of the day. To that store rep, you really helped me smile bright after the terrible week I had been having!)

Full Of Pun-gent Flavors

| MA, USA | Coworkers, Pun

Coworker: “Pass me the pepper, and try not to crash it into the salt.”

Me: “I’m insalted by that line.”

Coworker: “I’ll show myself out.”

Me: “Don’t pepper me with compliments!”

Coworker: “Stop as-salting me with your shouting! I could do this all day.”

Me: “Woah, woah, let me ketchup!”

Coworker: “I do not bay-leaf that you can.”

Me: “I don’t have the thyme for this.”

Coworker: “I don’t have thyme for your basil-less accusations! I need time to mustard up a response to that.”

Me: “Don’t get saucy with me!”

Coworker: “Jeez, chili out or I will schmear you.”

Me: “You’re just jelly of my abilities!”

Coworker: “You’re copping some marjoram attitude right now. I don’t find it very savory.”

Me: “Let’s keep this going, no need to butter our friendship by quitting now!”


Me: “Now we’re really in a pickle.”

Coworker: “The situation would seem quite sour.”

Me: “Now if only they would lettuce get food, things might get better.”

Coworker: “I donut think I’ll be able to get food until my break. That doesn’t really a-peel to me.”

Me: “All these jokes are making me laugh so hard that I’m coffee all over the place!”

Coworker: “You’re coffee?! That’s really crepe-y, man. When did you turn into coffee?”

Me: “Not too long ago, but orange you glad I didn’t turn into a banana?”

Coworker: “That would be berry awful.”

Me: “You’re a cheddar person than I.”

Coworker: “That’s pretty gouda, coming from you! And I bid you adieu!”

Me: “Aww, this was a grape conversation!”

Irony Transcends All Races

| Manchester, England, UK | Bigotry, Coworkers

(My coworker is of Muslim faith, and of Indian origin.)

Me: “This client has the most French name ever. It’s [Very French Name].”

Coworker: “He wouldn’t like to speak with me.”

Me: “Why?”

Coworker: “French people are racist.”

Me: *waits for her to realise*

Coworker: “What? They are!”

Trying To Give You Credit For It

| Manchester, England, UK | Employees, Money, Technology

(I have very little interest in mobile phones. The one I have is four years old, cost £2, and has no camera or access to the Internet. I use it mostly for telling the time and an alarm, though I do use it for texting and calls, just not very often.)

Call Centre: “Hello, Miss [My Name]. We’d like to offer you a deal on your phone, £10 a month and you get 500 free texts.”

Me: “I don’t use it that much; I spend a maximum of £5 on credit every three months.”

Call Centre: “But with this deal you can spend ONLY £10 a month—“

Me: “I spend £5 EVERY 3 MONTHS, your deal is twice that amount EVERY MONTH. Do you see why this is a deal that doesn’t interest me?”

Call Centre: “But think about all the free texts!”

Me: “I don’t need them; I’m not going to pay more money for something I don’t need.”

Call Centre: “I…”

Me: “Look, can you give me a deal that’s better than £5 every three months?”

Call Centre: “Um, no, I can’t do that.”

Me: “Then I think we’re done here.”

Call Centre: “But—“

Me: *click*