Full Of Pun-gent Flavors

| MA, USA | Coworkers, Pun

Coworker: “Pass me the pepper, and try not to crash it into the salt.”

Me: “I’m insalted by that line.”

Coworker: “I’ll show myself out.”

Me: “Don’t pepper me with compliments!”

Coworker: “Stop as-salting me with your shouting! I could do this all day.”

Me: “Woah, woah, let me ketchup!”

Coworker: “I do not bay-leaf that you can.”

Me: “I don’t have the thyme for this.”

Coworker: “I don’t have thyme for your basil-less accusations! I need time to mustard up a response to that.”

Me: “Don’t get saucy with me!”

Coworker: “Jeez, chili out or I will schmear you.”

Me: “You’re just jelly of my abilities!”

Coworker: “You’re copping some marjoram attitude right now. I don’t find it very savory.”

Me: “Let’s keep this going, no need to butter our friendship by quitting now!”


Me: “Now we’re really in a pickle.”

Coworker: “The situation would seem quite sour.”

Me: “Now if only they would lettuce get food, things might get better.”

Coworker: “I donut think I’ll be able to get food until my break. That doesn’t really a-peel to me.”

Me: “All these jokes are making me laugh so hard that I’m coffee all over the place!”

Coworker: “You’re coffee?! That’s really crepe-y, man. When did you turn into coffee?”

Me: “Not too long ago, but orange you glad I didn’t turn into a banana?”

Coworker: “That would be berry awful.”

Me: “You’re a cheddar person than I.”

Coworker: “That’s pretty gouda, coming from you! And I bid you adieu!”

Me: “Aww, this was a grape conversation!”

Irony Transcends All Races

| Manchester, England, UK | Bigotry, Coworkers

(My coworker is of Muslim faith, and of Indian origin.)

Me: “This client has the most French name ever. It’s [Very French Name].”

Coworker: “He wouldn’t like to speak with me.”

Me: “Why?”

Coworker: “French people are racist.”

Me: *waits for her to realise*

Coworker: “What? They are!”

Trying To Give You Credit For It

| Manchester, England, UK | Employees, Money, Technology

(I have very little interest in mobile phones. The one I have is four years old, cost £2, and has no camera or access to the Internet. I use it mostly for telling the time and an alarm, though I do use it for texting and calls, just not very often.)

Call Centre: “Hello, Miss [My Name]. We’d like to offer you a deal on your phone, £10 a month and you get 500 free texts.”

Me: “I don’t use it that much; I spend a maximum of £5 on credit every three months.”

Call Centre: “But with this deal you can spend ONLY £10 a month—“

Me: “I spend £5 EVERY 3 MONTHS, your deal is twice that amount EVERY MONTH. Do you see why this is a deal that doesn’t interest me?”

Call Centre: “But think about all the free texts!”

Me: “I don’t need them; I’m not going to pay more money for something I don’t need.”

Call Centre: “I…”

Me: “Look, can you give me a deal that’s better than £5 every three months?”

Call Centre: “Um, no, I can’t do that.”

Me: “Then I think we’re done here.”

Call Centre: “But—“

Me: *click*

Credit Us With Some Common Sense, Part 2

| Tampa, FL, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid

(I work in the quality department of a call center for a large bank that has branches across the country. This is a one of the calls I listened to:)

Member: “I would like to do a cash advance from my credit card and deposit to my checking.”

Representative: “Okay, is your cash advance on your account?”

Member: “…”

Representative: “Is your cash advance with the bank?”

Member: “Transfer me to the branch; I can’t handle the call center right now.”


Credit Us With Some Common Sense

It’s All In The (Very Far) Delivery

| Belfast, UK | Bizarre/Silly, Geography

(I work at a call centre in Northern Ireland. It’s almost my lunch break. If a coworker is buying something, they usually ask if a colleague needs something. I’m speaking to a customer 400 miles away in England, across the Irish Sea.)

Me: “I’m running a test, but it’s going to take a while. Is it okay if I call you back after my lunch break?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s fine.”

Me: “I’m going to [Supermarket]. Do you need anything?”

Customer: *deadpan* “No, I’m all right.”

Me: “Thank you, speak later. Bye!”

Customer: “Bye!”