It’s A Very Long Island

| OH, USA | Geography, Transportation

(I am waiting for a package to be delivered. I check the tracking and see that it went past my city, was sorted at a distant location and sent on to New York. From there it went to Long Island and is out for delivery. This places the package about 10 hours from my home. I call to see what can be done.)

Me: *explains entire situation*

Customer Service Rep: “Tracking number?”

Me: *gives number*

Customer Service Rep: “It’s out for delivery.”

Me: “Can you tell me in what city?”

Customer Service Rep: “Long Island.”

Me: “I don’t live there. It’s ten hours away.”

Customer Service Rep: “It’s out for delivery. It will be delivered to you by 8 pm today.”

Me: “That’s impossible. If the driver gets in his truck right now, drives straight to my house with no stops, he won’t get here until 9:00 pm. That’s no stops of any kind. No breaks, no gas, nothing.”

Customer Service Rep: “It WILL be delivered today.”

Me: “It’s ten hours away.”

Customer Service Rep: “Some of our drivers have longer routes than others. It WILL be delivered before 8 pm. Thank you for calling.”

(Yes, he then hung up and no, my package didn’t arrive that day. Or the next.)

Wasn’t Banking On It Being So Difficult

| UK | Employees, Language & Words

(I have a phone conversation with my bank this morning regarding my emigration next week. The few things that need sorting are stopping further cheque books as any actions can be done online, and no more letters to my present/future address, just emails. It takes over an hour: identification over the phone is an utter nightmare as the bloke at the other end (obviously not with English as his first language) asks me to spell out every word and has trouble putting the letters back into words; he doesn’t know the word ’emigrating’ and keeps asking when I will return from my travels to the Emirates. Twice he tells me to hang up so he can ring me back because the line is apparently crap at his end, and both times we have to go through the identification process again. Then he gives up and passes me on to a colleague who goes through the identification again, and after a few minutes tells me to hang up so she can call me again. Spelling out the various names of town and street I am moving to is beyond belief as well.)

Me: “M for Mama.”

Clerk: “You mean ‘M’ for Mother?”

Me: *groan* “Yes, ‘M’ for Mother. ‘R’ for Romeo.”

Clerk: “Romeo? You mean Richard.”

Me: *about to auto combust*

Politics Isn’t Loading: Welcome To Trump’s America

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Politics, Technology

(My father answers the phone:)

Father: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, I’m calling with an organization surveying political opinions of Ohio voters.”

(A long pause follows.)

Father: “Okay.”

(Another pause, which turns into an awkward pause…)

Caller: “Well, the computer isn’t loading the questions I’m supposed to ask. Thank you for your time!”

(The caller then hung up.)

Redirecting Telemarketers To God

| TX, USA | Employees, Family & Kids

(My grandma gets calls and letters from telemarketers. She is getting very tired of this.)

Grandma: “Hello? Who is this?”

Caller: “This is [Company]. May I speak with [Grandpa]?”

Grandma: “This is his wife; what do you want?”

Caller: “I need to speak with [Grandpa].”

Grandma: “Well call 1-800-Heaven. He died last year!”


| Velsen, The Netherlands | Liars/Scammers

(I am at home, when the phone rings.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, are you interested in an amazing offer?”

Me: “If this call is any kind of advertisement I am not interested.”

Telemarketer: “No, I want to tell you how to save money.”

Me: “Well, okay, I am listening.”

Telemarketer: “I am calling for [Power Company] and if you get a contract with us you save a lot of money.”

Me: “So this is an advertisement.”

Telemarketer: “No, sir, it is a way of saving money.”

Me: “You advertise for [Power Company]. That is an advertisement.”

Telemarketer: “Well, if you put it that way, yes, I suppose so.”

Me: “So your answer to my first question was a lie. Do you really expect me to believe anything else you have to say when you start with lying to me?”

Telemarketer: “I guess not…” *click*

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