Going Through A Very Dry Period

| Washington, PA, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Health & Body

(I had a full removal of my uterus at 34 due to medical issues. A few YEARS later, for another completely unrelated procedure, I’m being checked in by a nurse, going through usual bevy of questions.)

Nurse: “Okay, and is there any way you could be pregnant now?”

Me: “No, I had a hysterectomy in 2005.”

Nurse: “And when was your last period?”

Me: *flabbergasted* “About a month prior to that.”

Wants To Be In The Number One Position

| Rochester, NY, USA | Coworkers, Health & Body

(I’m leaving an appointment in a very large teaching hospital. Walking in the opposite direction are two employees, one in scrubs. Employee #1 is walking several paces ahead of Employee #2, but they are talking to one another.)

Employee #2: “Slow down!”

Employee #1: “I’m not slowing down. I like to go fast. I’ve just got to go!”

Employee #2: “Well, we’re used to hearing that! We work in urology!”

Drug Volunteers

| Concord, CA, USA | Coworkers, Crazy Requests, Health & Body

(I volunteer with the administrative manager of Volunteer Services in a local hospital. The phone rings from one of our other departments: Dispatch. The administrative manager gestures to me to go ahead and answer it.)

Me: “Thank you for calling Volunteer Services. How can I help you?”

Dispatch: “Um, yeah, I got this really weird call from a nurse in A-3. I guess a patient’s medications are being held in our pharmacy and she wants us to go get it and bring it up.”

(My eyes go huge.)

Me: “Uhhh, no… No, we cannot.”

Dispatch: “I didn’t think so, but she seemed to be under the impression that volunteers had done it before.”

Me: “Yes, but that was more than two decades ago! For health and safety reasons, no volunteer may handle, transport, or come in contact with any medications.”

(The manager drops the file she’s been carrying and stares at me, her eyes as huge as mine. She waves her hands at me and mouths: “Tell them I say no!”)

Dispatch: “Right, I’ll call them back and tell them we can’t do that…”

Me: “And if they give you grief, please tell them [Name], Administrative Manager of Volunteer Services, said ‘no,’ okay?”

(After I hang up, I look at the administrative manager:)

Me: “So, yeah, apparently a nurse thinks a random Joe Schmo from off the street should be able to access medications from our pharmacy…”

Like To Keep Their Patients Active

| USA | Coworkers, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(I am looking at a sample of urine under the microscope. It is from a male patient, and there are a LOT of sperm cells in it. This doesn’t happen unless the male was… active… VERY recently.)

Me: “Wow, this sure has a lot of sperm in it! Still wriggling and everything!”

(My demure, usually very professional, almost-grandmotherly coworker comes over and checks it out.)

Coworker: “Huh. The nurse must have been really cute.”

Inject A Little Compassion

| Canada | Employees, Health & Body, Ignoring/Inattentive

(My roommate and I are both autistic and have extreme fear of needles. I pass out, but my roommate, unless he has something to hold on to, starts kicking and screaming. One day, he has to go on for surgery and I’m driving him.)

Nurse: “[Roommate].”

Me: “I’ll be there when you wake up. Do you have your stuffy?”

(My roommate shows me a toy, and starts to follow the nurse to the room.)

Nurse: *sees the toy* “What the–? Sir! You are 25! I don’t think you need that!”

Roommate: “But! Ok, fine… Can [Roommate] come with me?”

Nurse: “I don’t have time for this! You can do this! Now come on! We’re losing light!”

(She pries the toy out of his hand and gives it to me. I’m a little nervous, as I know he can be wild when terrified. I start reading my book, and sure enough, I hear a ‘Code White’ which means aggressive patient. After a second, the same nurse comes running out.)

Nurse: “[My Name]! [My Name]!”

(I get up and run inside. My roommate has five nurses pinning him down, and he’s kicking and screaming.)

Nurse: “Control him! He kicked half of us!”

(I go over and start to soothe him. Once he’s calm, I give him his toy and stay by his side while they give him the needle. As they wheel him off, the nurse turns to me.)

Nurse: “What is wrong with that guy? The second he saw the needle he freaked out.”

Me: “He has an extreme fear of needles! It’s in his chart!”

Nurse: “I thought he was just being a wimp!”

(My friend’s surgery went very well and he made a full recovery. However, the nurses we’re quite inattentive and rude to us while we were there. When I had to have surgery on my ovary a month later, we went to another hospital, where they let him in with me for when I passed out.)

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