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Getting Fractionally Worse

| London, England, UK | Employees, Health & Body, Ignoring & Inattentive

(I have cystic fibrosis, so I’m in the hospital a lot. Every time I go in, I have to have a special needle put in which “plugs” into a valve (called a portacath) under my skin. This has been routine for me since it was put in at age 14, when I was still very small. I’m now 20 and in an adult hospital, so the nurses sometimes have an issue with the fact that I need child-sized needles.)

Nurse: *knocks on door* “We’re ready to put your port needle in now. Is this a good time?”

Me: “Yes, but have you been told about the needle size I need?”

(He just stares at me.)

Me: “Large needles won’t fit into my portacath; I need child-size ones. Half-inch.”

Nurse: “We have three-quarters and one inch.”

Me: “Okay… but those are too big. I need a half-inch. If you absolutely can’t get a half-inch, a five-eighths will just be able to fit with a lot of dressing.”

Nurse: “Our needles are three-quarters.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “A three-quarters will not fit. It’s too big.”

Nurse: “What about one inch?”

Me: “That’s BIGGER, so, no, that won’t fit either.”

Nurse: “Um…”

Me: “I need a five-eighths needle, because I doubt you’ll be able to find the one-half. Five-eighths. Anything else will be TOO BIG.”

Nurse: “We are going to have to do it with a three-quarters if that’s okay.”

Me: “Go get another nurse, please.”

(The other nurse immediately understood and managed to find a five-eighths needle without any issues. The first nurse didn’t come into my room again, and I only ever saw him changing bedding after that.)

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Legal Fees Are Eternal

| UK | Coworkers, Language & Words

(I work as a nurse in a hospital. The phone at the nurses station rings, I pick up and it’s our ward clerk.)

Clerk: “Hi, I got Mr. [Patient]’s eternity on the phone.”

Me: “Who?!”

Clerk: “His eternity.”

Me: *thinking, is my patient dead and am I having an out-of-body experience right now?* “Um… put them through?”

Voice On The Phone: “Hello, I’m Mr. [Patient]’s solicitor. I’m calling to enquiry into…”

(After the phone call, I walk to the clerk’s desk.)

Me: “So, when you say eternity… Did you mean attorney?”

Clerk: “Oh, I can’t pronounce that word.”

Me: “Why can’t you just say lawyer?”

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PH’Duh

, | ME, USA | Crazy Requests, Employees, Health & Body, Math & Science

(I work in the laboratory of a major hospital. Part of my duties as a lab assistant is to determine if a specimen is acceptable for testing. I’ve received a specimen in a pediatric tube with a testing request that can only be done with the amount obtainable in an adult tube. I call the floor to let the nurse know we can’t run it.)

Me: “Hey are you the nurse for [Patient]? We can run [Test #1] on the tube you sent but [Test #2] requires two milliliters more blood.”

Nurse: “Oh, geez. Okay, I’ll let the doc know and see if they still want it. Thanks.”

(At this point he hangs up. Not even five minutes later, the physician calls.)

Me: “Laboratory, can I help you?”

Doctor: “Yeah, why don’t you run [Test #2]?”

Me: “We can’t run it on this specimen; the minimum amount for the test is two milliliters.”

Doctor: “Well, can’t you LOWER the minimum? This is a child we’re talking about!”

(At this point I’m stunned. Yes, doc, I’m going to bend the rules of science just for you.)

Me: “I… no, we can’t lower a minimum. We need more blood to do this test.”

Doctor: “Well, it’s a child and they’re in critical care!”

Me: “I understand but we literally cannot work with this little amount of blood; I’m sorry.”

(He finally hung up in a fury.)