Found Your (In)Voice

| MI, USA | Liars/Scammers

(As the accounting clerk for my office, I have to watch out for scammers trying to defraud us. One scammer kept sending invoices that claimed to be from the yellow pages, but contained multiple misspellings, and went to a random PO box in Florida. I’d just been shredding them for over a year, but this month I decided to reply. In a formal letter on our letterhead, I wrote:)

Letter: “Neither our facility, nor our parent company, nor any affiliate thereof, requested to be included in your supposed directory. This invoice is illegitimate, and void. Any further attempts to bill us for unrequested services will be referred to the Better Business Bureau and the Federal Trade Commission. Cease and desist immediately. A word of advice: when you try scamming companies, your odds would be much better if you actually got the name of your target right. Not only are you crooks, you’re incompetent crooks. Kindly do the world a favor and go get eaten by an alligator.”

(That felt good.)

Beware The Cookware

| USA | Bosses & Owners

(We have a coworker that, although he’s not timid, is not friendly. One day, we all have an office party where we can bring another, and he brings his wife. His wife is actually very friendly and nice, and she invites us all to a party at their house. Thinking they want to be friends, we say sure. But on the day of her party, I get lost and I didn’t get their number so I just go home. The next day, my coworker comes up to me.)

Coworker: “You didn’t come to my wife’s party. Why?”

Me: “Oh, I got lost and I didn’t have your number so…”

Coworker: “Come to the next one. My wife cooked a lot, and only two people showed! Food went to waste!!”

Me: “O… kay….”

Coworker: “Or next time, don’t say you’ll be there!” *leaves*

(Later, I spoke with another coworker, who was at the party.)

Me: “Did she really cook?”

Other Coworker: “Yeah. It was nice.”

Me: “Oh.”

Other Coworker: “And then she tried to make us buy cookware! Apparently, she sells it. No one bought her pitch, though.”

Me: “Oh!”

(I no longer felt guilty. And next time I was invited to their house, I had someplace else to be.)

Answer Your Calling

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Bosses & Owners, Non-Dialogue

I work at a large multi-national company. The culture there is that if you needed to communicate with someone, no matter if they were in your time-zone or not, you picked up the phone and called.

One evening, after I have gone home for the day, the phone rings. It is my manager, who lives and works in Australia. He is calling me, after hours, at home, to tell me that someone is going to call me, the next week, to talk with me about something. After I hang up, I tell my roommate about the call and say: “I think that an email would have been more practical and a lot less expensive.”

To this day, I have no idea what they (whoever was supposed to call) were going to talk to me about because they never did call.

Driving Towards The Inevitable

| USA | Coworkers, Transportation

(My coworker always comes in to work looking extremely fatigued. I admit, I’m not very peppy either, but my coworker is our shuttle driver, and drives customers in a three ton van all day long. I’m concerned about it, but when I bring it up, I’m laughed at. One day, I see my tired coworker drive off with a bunch of passengers including children, and a few moments later, I get a phone call.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Office]. [My Name] speaking. How may I—”

Coworker: *sounding more alert* “[My Name], give me the manager quick! I’ve totaled the shuttle van!”

Me: “What?! Okay.”

(I get the manager.)

Manager: “Who is it?”

Me: “[Coworker].”

(The manager took the phone, looking very bemused, then shocked, then outraged. Turned out some of the customers were seriously injured, and the van had to be fixed in a garage for a week. Customers weren’t too pleased, and some sued, but my manager didn’t fire him, saying it would be too much bother to look for a new driver.)

You Need To Be Crazy To Live There

| Woburn, MA, USA | Coworkers

(My coworker is looking for a new apartment. It’s a slow day, so I’m helping her search. I’m a bit of a history and horror fan.)

Me: “Oh, here’s a nice apartment complex. Great location, beautiful apartments, a pool, gym, and pet-friendly.” *sends link* “Take a look.”

Coworker: “Wow, these are super nice! Really expensive, though. And the building looks kinda gothic.”

Me: “Yeah, it used to be a mental hospital.”

Coworker: “…what?”

Me: “Yeah, look it up. It was an asylum from 1878 to 1989. It’s where the lobotomy was perfected, and it’s the place that influenced H.P. Lovecraft and the Arkham Asylum from Batman. After it shut down, someone bought it and decided to turn it into apartments. They tore down most of it, but kept the façade of the original building.”

Coworker: “So there’s, like, an 80% chance it’s haunted.”

Me: “Probably.” *I do some more reading* “Oh! The graveyard is still there, right on the property!”

Coworker: “There’s a graveyard?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s where they buried the patients. Most of the graves only have the patient’s room number. Not even a name.”

Coworker: “So, it used to be an insane asylum, plus there’s a graveyard on the property full of the unmarked graves of dead mental patients?”

(We both go quiet.)

Me: “Yeah, it’s guaranteed to be haunted. I’ll look somewhere else.”

Coworker: “I’m not sure I want you looking at all!”

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