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Self-Surgery Not Recommended

| Warner Robins, GA, USA | Coworkers, Health & Body

(One of my wisdom teeth is starting to break through my gums, and the resulting pain and soreness has me somewhat distracted most of the morning. At lunch, I run to the pharmacy and pick up a tube of numbing gel, only to find when I get back to my desk that it has to be actually cut open.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], you wouldn’t happen to have a pair of scissors in your desk, would you?”

Coworker: *jokingly, as he hands them over* “I don’t know, can you be trusted with this tool?”

Me: “Man, I’m just trying to get this stupid wisdom tooth to stop giving me grief.”

(He looks at me with brows raised, and then I realize that I hadn’t actually mentioned that I’d gotten anything for my tooth.)

Me: “Oh, Christ, no, I meant to open this gel, not—”

Coworker: “I was starting to wonder if I should’ve handed you those!”

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Deaf To Reason, Part 5

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Health & Body

(I am hard of hearing and while I can hear and communicate with others if they are around me, using telephones or any devices where I am unable to see the speaker is a bit of a train wreck. My boss and manager are well aware of this fact, and assured me that I wouldn’t be expected to take any orders by phone. I’ve been working there long enough now that almost all my coworkers know about this arrangement, but one coworker doesn’t seem to quite understand and constantly complains that I’m just lazy. On this day the manager has stepped outside, so it’s just the two of us when the phone rings.)

Me: *already busy with an order* “[Coworker]! Phone!”

Coworker: “You heard it first. You get it!”

Me: “That’s not how it works. [Manager] is out and I can’t use the phone, so you’re the only one who can grab it.”

Coworker: *huffs* “I can’t believe how lazy you are! You always push this on everyone else so you don’t have to work as hard!”

Me: “No. Not only am I currently busy with an order but I also have no training to take phone orders, so even if I could miraculously use the phone I wouldn’t know how correctly input the order in the system and we would lose a sale.”

(He huffs and answers the phone, clearly not convinced. After he finishes taking the order and comes back.)

Coworker: “See?! I don’t get why you make such a big deal of this! You can clearly hear me talking to you so it’s really no different. I bet you’re just pretending to be deaf so you don’t have to work as hard.”

Me: “Um, it’s completely different. For one, I’m hard of hearing, not deaf, and I doubt anyone would want to fake not being able to hear because it absolutely sucks. I have no training whatsoever to take phone orders, so I make up for this by doing extra work around the store to balance it out. We’re in a enclosed area with very little background noise, unlike on a phone where the signal can cut out words and the line can hum loudly and drown out the customer on the other end. Not only that but the quality of the sound through a phone is very artificial to me. Also, I can read your lips and body language because I can see you to fill in the blanks, and I can’t do that over a phone. Anytime I’m forced to use a phone or device where I have to rely 100% on my hearing, I end up asking the other person to repeat themselves a LOT and still miss tons of information. So no, it’s actually extremely different from talking to a person in real time.”

Coworker: “You’re just lazy! There’s no way you can hear me but not use a phone!”

(I gave up and ignored the rest of his rant how I was faking my hearing impairment just to get out of doing my job. He eventually complained to our boss with this belief that I was pretending to have hearing problems to get out of work. She chewed him though and asked him if he seriously thought that anyone would actually pretend to be deaf for the fun of it. He was fired not too long after that.)

Related:
Deaf To Reason, Part 4
Deaf To Reason, Part 3
Deaf To Reason, Part 2

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How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 21

| TX, USA | Liars/Scammers

(We’ve had a scam call come in almost daily. As the receptionist, I tend to hang up on them, but am getting fed up with the calls. I decide it’s time to have fun the next time the Scam Caller rings in.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Office]. How can I help you?”

Scam Caller: “Your computer is badly infected! You need to -”

Me: “Wait. Who is this?”

Scam Caller: “This is Kevin from Microsoft—”

Me: “KEVIN! How are you, pal? I haven’t heard from you in a while. Microsoft let you work there? How’s that doing for you?”

Scam Caller: “Yes, I am working for Microsoft. Are you near a computer, ma’am?”

Me: “All my life, seems like. So hey, Kevin, how is wife number two? Or are you on three now?”

Scam Caller: *getting irritated* “Yes, if you are near your computer, I need you to—”

Me: “Did you ever get the kids back, by the way? I know you were having some real problems after they busted you for meth. Still selling on the side?”

Scam Caller: “I am not Kevin.”

Me: “You just told me you were.”

Scam Caller: “Yes, my name is Kevin. But I am not your Kevin. If you are near your computer, I need you to please tell me if the computer is on.”

Me: “Wait, so are you Kevin or aren’t you? I’m not getting the joke.”

Scam Caller: *getting louder* “Is your computer on?”

Me: “On meth? Man, I hope not! You can get computers hooked on meth now? When did that start happening? Does it help?”

Scam Caller: *click*

(We never heard from him again after that.)

Related:
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 20
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 19
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 18

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Tea-tering On A Rejection

| Brighton, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Bosses & Owners, Job Seekers

(I am in my third year placement at university. In order to progress to the fourth year we have to undertake a 40-week work placement in the industry our degree is in. I get an interview for a company in a city about an hour and a half’s drive away. The interview seems to start reasonably well but I immediately get the feeling Interviewer #1 has checked out before he’s even started, and he comes across pretty condescending as it goes on. Eventually, he seems to decide he’s had enough and that’s where it gets interesting.)

Interviewer #1: “So, you left it pretty late to get something. Was that down to laziness, or…?”

Me: *taken aback at the sudden change in conversation* “Oh, I had a placement secured but it fell through at the last minute. The company had a re-structure and couldn’t take on interns or placement students due to budget cuts.”

(Interviewer  #1 snorts sarcastically and rolls his eyes.)

Interviewer #2: *trying to get back on topic* “Would you be okay with the commute to and from the office? I notice on your CV your hometown is [City that’s one and a half hours from this one].”

Me: “Oh, it’s not an issue to me. I worked weekends back in my hometown and my university is in another city to that, so I’m used to the driving.”

Interviewer #1: “How are you going to fund the travel costs? It’ll be easier for you to find a place down here.”

Me: “Well, that would be the plan after a couple of months saving some money from the pay.”

Interviewer #1: “Oh, this isn’t a paid position.”

(By this point I am getting the idea he’d made up his mind before the interview had even begun.)

Me: “But the advert says it’s a paid position?”

Interviewer #1: “Yeah, we changed our minds on that one. It’s not paid.”

Me: “Not even travel costs?”

Interviewer #1: “Nope.”

Interviewer #2: *clearly getting a bit annoyed at [Interviewer#1]’s tone* “So, do you have any questions for us?”

Me: “Yes. I read the job description and it sounds like it could be a good challenge so I just wanted to ask what sort of roles you’d be looking for me to work on in particular?”

Interviewer #1: *deadpan* “You’d basically make the tea for us.”

Me: *chuckling nervously* “Ah, yeah, I can make pretty good tea! But what section of the office would I be in in particular, or would it be a floating role so I cover some time in one department, sometime in another, etc?”

Interviewer #1: “No, you’re not getting it. You’d be making the tea. That’s it. And maybe getting the post from downstairs sometimes when the receptionist isn’t in.”

(I dropped any hint of being pleasant and looked at them both.)

Me: “Okay, I don’t think this is the kind of position I’m looking for, and I don’t think the roles would be accepted by my university as suitable towards my degree. I don’t have any more questions so if that’s all I think we can finish up here.”

Interviewer #1: *rolls his eyes, gets up from the table and walks out of the room* “Sure, whatever.”

Interviewer #2: *looking awkwardly at the door his coworker had just walked out of* “Err… well, thanks for coming in, and… we’ll be in touch to let you know.”

(Of course, I never heard back from them again. I got weird vibes from Interviewer #1 all the way through from the start but thought he may just have been having an off day; I guess he’d decided from the start that he wasn’t interested but had to interview me to fulfil a quota or something. Shortly after I found a proper placement at a professional sports club working for one of the best GM’s I’ve ever been employed by, and got through to my fourth year and graduated without any issue. But, oh, if only I’d been an unpaid tea-boy instead; think of the possibilities!)

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Jonesing To Call Her Jones

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Bosses & Owners, Employees

(I used to be a contractor. I had just started working at a new site. My supervisor asked me to send an e-mail to a “Cathy Jones”.)

Me: *types e-mail* “Dear Ms. Jones—”

Supervisor: *looking over my shoulder* “Oh, that’s much too formal. Just call her Cathy.” *leaves*

Me: *starts e-mail over* “Dear Cathy…” *email message continues as normal*

(Shortly after that, I got a reply.)

Cathy Jones: “Since we’ve never met, I think it’s a bit presumptuous for you to call me ‘Cathy.’ Please refer to me by my full first name from now on. Thank you.”

Me: *replies* “I’m very sorry, Catherine.”

Cathy Jones: “It’s CATHRYN. Please get it right in the future.”

Me: *sigh*

(That was not a fun contract!)

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