Trying To Seize Upon A Way Out

| AZ, USA | Coworkers, Criminal/Illegal, Liars/Scammers

(I work as a manager for a retail store. We sell a little of everything, including high end wines and jewelry. My employees are required to carry clear purses, to stop our shoplifting problem. One day, an employee leaves her bag on the counter, laying on it’s side, and I notice a large amount of candy that we sell, as well as an expensive bottle of wine and a necklace at the bottom of the bag. It is all worth about $1,000. She is usually a sweet and quiet lady.)

Me: “[Employee], is that our candy, our wine, and our jewelry?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Me: “Did you buy it here?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Me: “Can I see your membership card so I can confirm that?”

Employee: “What? No! How dare you accuse me of stealing!”

Me: “I did not. However, to let you leave today, I need that card so I can look up your purchase history.”

Employee: “You know, until now you were my favorite manager! Now I see that you are horrible!”

Me: “You can think that if you wish. However, I need that card or I will have to hold you here.”

Employee: “You cannot do that!”

Me: “Actually, I can. I just do not want to. If you bought the items, I have to check. You know that. It’s in your handbook and your employee contract, which you signed.”

Employee: “You will hear from my lawyer!”

Me: “Look, you can argue and force me to call the cops for shoplifting, or you can give me your card and prove that you bought it.”

Employee: “FINE!” *throws card at me*

Me: “There is no charge for any of that on here.”

Employee: “How dare you! I have worked here for over ten years!”

Me: “Yes, I am aware of that. However, there is no charge for these items to you.”

Employee: “I am contacting my lawyer!” *grabs the bag and runs out before I can stop her*

(The next day I am in my office when I get a phone call.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Employee’s Husband: “You broke the law!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Employee’s Husband: “You performed an illegal search and seizure!”

Me: “The employee contract, that she signed and I have a copy of, states that employees must carry clear purses and anything amiss can and will be investigated. Since she signed that contract and I saw the $35 of candy and $100 bottle of wine and a $950 diamond necklace through a clear purse, on store camera, there is not a single legal ground to claim illegal search and seizure.”

Employee’s Husband: “I will ruin you and your company!”

Me: “Sir, the police have been contacted. She will be charged with shoplifting over $1,000 dollars of merchandise, a felony. Since the entire exchange is on camera there is not a single thing you can do to me or the company. Perhaps you and your wife should have a discussion about hiring a lawyer to represent her.”

Employee’s Husband: “It is still illegal search and seizure!”

Me: “Well, sir, first, I did not search. She left the item in plain sight, on our property. Also, I did not seize, seeing how she still has it all in her possession. Her membership and employment have been terminated.”

Employee’s Husband: “Then you will be paying us unemployment!”

Me: “No, we won’t. Since she committed a crime which got her fired. She has no grounds to claim any unemployment.”

Employee’s Husband: This is illegal! I will have your job!”

Me: “Sir, the only thing illegal here is your wife’s actions. Have a nice day.”

(She ended up having to pay a massive fine and do community service. I was manager for another two years before leaving for a better job.)

Fails To Register

| DE, USA | Bosses & Owners, Extra Stupid, Money

(I work at a women’s retail clothing store. My fellow assistant manager is not the brightest bulb, and conversations like this one happen frequently. I call the store back after leaving my shift to give fellow manager a heads up…)

Me: “Hi, [Assistant Manager], I wanted to let you know I forgot to split the change order between the two registers when I came back from the bank run. Could you buy some of the $1s from Register #1 into Register #2, please?”

Assistant Manager: “Sure thing. I did notice that Register #2 is low on $1s. You want me to just take them from Register #1?”

(The next day:)

Assistant Manager: “Hey, something was off with the registers last night when I closed. Register #1 was short, but Register #2 was over the same amount! I counted them both down and just took the over amount from Register #1 and put it into Register #2. Then they both finally came out okay! How do you think that happened?”

Me: “When I asked you to buy some $1s from Register #1 to put into Register #2, did you buy them or just take the $1s from Register #1 and put them in Register #2?”

Assistant Manager: “Oh, I took some $1s from R1 and put them in R2….WOW, that’s the same amount as the shortage from last night! Think that has anything to do with it?”

(Oh, and this person’s previous occupation? A bank manager, for almost 20 years.)

Making A Bald Assumption

| Coworkers, Health & Body

(A customer has just called, and I answer the phone. She asks for my coworker, so I put her on hold and page him.)

Me: “[Coworker], you have a call on line one.”

Coworker: “Who is it?”

Me: “There’s a customer. She says she talked to you earlier about a computer.”

Coworker: “Did she ask for me by name?”

Me: “No, she asked for the old bald guy with the mustache. That would be you.”

Coworker: “I shouldn’t have asked.”

Cutting Workplace Tension With A Knife

| Arlington, TX, USA | Bosses & Owners, Ignoring/Inattentive

(I have been working at a large chain grocery store for about three months when this happens. The store has a large turnover rate, and as such, my manager has been grooming me to be her assistant for the last two months. One guy in my department has been working here much longer than me, and he’s a little strange and doesn’t get along with most people. He’s decided he likes me, though, and much to my discomfort, that includes complaining to me about how the manager favors me over him for the promotion. This occurs when our manager is on vacation for a week, and I’ve taken over some of her managing duties.)

Me: *checking the shelves for holes*

(Coworker is stocking the shelves from the truck that came in that day. He walks over to stand next to me and pulls out his box-cutter to open a box, but just stands there and sighs. Then he looks up at me, smiles, and reaches out like he’s going to cut my arm, but misses my arm by about an inch*

Me: *in disbelief he actually did that* “What was that for?”

Coworker: “Oh, y’know.” *opens the box and resumes his work*

(I get the h*** off that aisle, pretending to be calm, and go find an assistant store manager that I’m comfortable with and explain the story to her.)

Assistant Store Manager: “Okay, you did the right thing. I’ll handle it. Just keep working and try to stay away from him as much as possible, okay?”

(I resume work, and later get approached by the store manager, who asks me to explain what happened again, and tells me that she’ll talk to my manager about it. Later that week, my manager gets back from vacation, and I run into her on the floor.)

Manager: “I heard what happened with you and [Coworker]. You know that’s a fireable offense, right?”

Me: “I hope so! Coming at someone with a sharp blade is not a joke.”

Manager: “All right, I’ll handle it.”

(I don’t hear anything about it for a couple of weeks, but also don’t see Coworker around in my department. I finally see him one day, working in the health foods department, and ask my manager what happened.)

Manager: “We transferred him over there.”

Me: “…I thought it was a fireable offense, though?”

Manager: “That’s what [Store Manager] decided to do. There was an opening, no one else works in that department because it’s so small, and he’s worked here a long time and knows what to do. But since no one else works in that department, he also has to do all the manager work, and he really doesn’t know how.” *rolls her eyes* “No one else likes working with him, though, so it’s the best spot in the store for him.”

(A month or so later, the same Assistant Store Manager I reported him to asks me to work in his department.)

Me: “I’m not comfortable working with that guy.”

Assistant Store Manager: “I know, you wouldn’t be. You’d just be working his days off. He’s really screwing up the place. There’s yogurt up to the ceiling in the back cooler, a bunch of it is about to expire, and he doesn’t know how to order. It’s a mess.”

Me: “…I’ll tell you what. If you make me the manager of that department, I’ll fix it for you.”

Assistant Store Manager: “Oh. Well. We can’t really just do that all of a sudden.”

Me: “I know. It’s fine. I’ll work his days off until then.”

Assistant Store Manager: *approaches me the next day* “Okay, we decided to give you the department.”

Me: “Whoa, so soon? You said it would take a while.”

Assistant Store Manager: “It’s really a mess. We just want it fixed as soon as possible.”

Me: “Well, okay.”

(I only had one day working in that department previously, and it’s a small one with a lot of different products, so it takes a while to find specific places for things. So, all at once, I have to learn where everything goes, where everything in the back room is, procedures for working with coolers and freezers — which I’ve never worked with before, since I came from the Drug GM department — and all the ordering and back-stock procedures of a manager. Plus, I have to listen to the store manager rant at us for not getting enough done pretty much every shift I have. Finally, after a month, I’m called into the store manager’s office.)

Store Manager: “We’re giving the department back to [Coworker].”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Store Manager: “Yeah, you’re just not filling the holes in the shelves, and you’re not getting the truck out. It’s just not working out. Plus, with how quickly we promoted you, he could have a case with HR over how the department was taken from him.”

Me: “Only one of those things actually makes sense to remove me. You gave me a department where I knew where nothing was and had to learn everything from scratch. And besides, he threatened me. I don’t know why he got promoted to manager instead of fired!”

Store Manager: “Oh, yeah, why didn’t you do anything about that?”

Cocoa Crazy

| AK, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Health & Body

(I’m the weird one in this story. For Valentine’s Day, my girlfriend gives me chocolate-scented hand lotion, which smells almost EXACTLY like chocolate truffles and lasts for hours. I put some on before work and am still pretty excited over it, as I love chocolate.)

Me: *runs up to my coworkers* “Guys! Guys! Smell my hand!”

(My coworkers all stare blankly at me as I shove my hand towards them.)

Coworker #1: “…I feel like we’re missing some context.”

Coworker #2: “And this is a very WEIRD way to start my shift.”

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