The Key To Not Oversleeping

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Coworkers, Time

(I am a supervisor for the service desk, but because I live close to the store, I am also a trusted key holder for the store as well. At about 4:45 am I am woken by the phone ringing.)

Me: “Hello?”

Baker #2: “Hi, it’s [Baker #2] here. Just wondering, do you have a key for the back door?”

Me: “Yeah. What’s wrong?”

Baker #2: “[Baker #1] overslept his alarm and is two hours late and there is no-one in the store to open the door so we can’t start work.”

Me: “Okay, give me about five minutes and I’ll be down there.”

(I travel to the store and find Baker #1, Baker #2, and Bakery Manager all out the back waiting for me to open the door. I open the door and disarm the alarm system. Before leaving, I say to Baker #1:)

Me: “If you ever cause me to have to take a phone call like that at 4:45 in the morning again, I will jam this key far up you a** and turn your heart off.”

Bakery Manager: *doubled over laughing*

Baker #1: “Righto, sounds fair.”

Addressing The Shifty Drug Problem

| MI, USA | Employees, Technology

(I’ve been attempting to find a job for some time now, and at long last got an interview at local supermarket chain. Everything goes well and I’m called back for a follow-up. I am dealing with a new person this time. We’re reviewing my application, on which they asked for my current address and all previous ones, and on which I’ve informed them of my class schedule – something they will need to work around for me to take the job.)

Interviewer: “So, you live at [incorrect address]?”

Me: “No, that was my last address. I’m currently at [correct address].”

Interviewer: *looking at me like I’m an idiot* “Mhm… You know, you don’t have to lie. If you don’t know where you live, that’s all right.”

Me: *incredulous* “Uh, I’m sorry? Your system seems to have had a slight clerical error. It’s that address right there.”

(I gesture to the correct address on the computer screen behind them. They’re unfazed.)

Interviewer: “Uh-huh. So you don’t know where you live. Let’s move on.”

Me: “Okay, hold on. I have it on my state ID.”

(I pull it out and show them the address. They don’t look at it.)

Me: “See? It’s [correct address].”

Interviewer: *not paying me any attention* “Yeah. So can you work [shift I made quite clear that I cannot work on every day I said I was unavailable]?”

Me: “No, I put it on my application that I have classes from [early in the morning until an hour after they wanted me to start] on those days. Could we try a shift on [days I can work]?”

Interviewer: “I think that’ll be all for now. I think you’ll do fine, and we can discuss shifts later. For now, I want you back here in a week for a drug test.”

Me: “Er, all right…?”

(I leave and go out to my grandmother in the car.)

Grandma: “So how’d it go?”

Me: “They wanted me to work [unworkable shift] and then told me because their system got my address wrong, that I didn’t know where I lived.”

Grandma: “They what!? How could you not know where you live?”

Me: “I know, right? I mean, where do they think I came from to get here?”

(Needless to say, I didn’t show up for the drug test, nor did I take the job!)

Slicing Salami But Talking Baloney

| Tallahassee, FL, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Math & Science

(I am getting some sliced meats and cheeses at the deli counter, and the woman working is pleasant enough but very slow. After a few minutes, she calls over another, just-off-break worker to take over my order, which was (at this point) slicing a quarter pound of salami. The following exchange ensued as part of the process:)

Second Worker: “A quarter-pound? I don’t know what that is!”

First Worker: “Zero-point-two-five.”

(Externally I remained The Thinker, but internally I was performing The Picard Facepalm.)

Putting The ‘D’ Into DeLorean

| Ashford, Kent, UK | Coworkers, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

(I am on my break with a coworker. My mobile phone receives a text – my text alert is the sonic booms that the DeLorean time machine makes when entering a new time period in the “Back to the Future” trilogy. My coworker hears the phone noise.)

Coworker: “What on earth is that noise?”

(I explain. She gives me a blank look.)

Me: “Have you seen the Back to the Future trilogy?”

Coworker: “No, not my sort of thing at all.”

(Fair enough. How boring if we all liked the same things, but then…)

Coworker: “I would rather watch a porn movie!”

Me: “…”

A Victim Of His Baggage Issues

| Manchester, England, UK | At The Checkout, Employees

(I am using the self-checkout machine. I have scanned my loyalty card, and the machine asks if I have my own bag. I click ‘yes’ that I have two bags. One is a cloth shopping bag, but the rest of the shopping is in my rather large handbag. I collect my receipt and start to leave.)

Assistant: “Just so you know, we can see how many bags you click and how many you actually use.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Assistant: “You said you have two bags.”

Me: “I do…”

Assistant: “And you only have one.”

Me: “I used my satchel.”

Assistant: “That’s a handbag; it doesn’t count.”

Me: “But I put shopping in it.”

Assistant: “It doesn’t count.”

Me: “By using it I didn’t pick up a plastic bag when my other one was full.”

Assistant: “It doesn’t count.”

Me: “Even though I’m using it as a bag?”

Assistant: “It doesn’t count.”

Me: “I’ll… remember in future?”

Assistant: “We can see your bags. Just put the real number in next time.”

(The kicker is that each point is worth such a tiny amount that I’d have had to be going in daily with dozens of non-existent bags to get any value from pretending.)