• Re-Dressing The Sauce
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  • July's Theme Of The Month: Thrown Under The Bus!


    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Employees, Technology

    (I need to get an optical audio cable to go join my Blu-ray player to my sound system. I go to a local audio store to get one, and the following exchange occurs:)

    Salesman: “That one’s $35, but this one is much higher quality and well worth the $65 for the added clarity.”

    Me: “Wait. It’s literally a clear tube that flashes light pulses. It’s all zeroes and ones. It either carries the signal or it does not. Clarity is not an issue with a digital signal.”

    Salesman: “But this is a [Brand].”

    Me: “Are you saying the $35 cable doesn’t work?”

    Salesman: “…Let’s just make it an even $30 for that cable.”

    Think Before You Ink

    | McCook, NE, USA | Bad Behavior, Employees, Health & Body

    (I go into a doctor’s surgery about a terrible cough.)

    Doctor: “Right, we just need to look you over; won’t be a minute.”

    (After a quick examination, I see him frowning.)

    Me: “What is it?”

    Doctor: “You need to get tested for HIV and hepatitis.”

    Me: *as I am a virgin* “What?!”

    Doctor: “Your tattoo. You may have had a dirty needle poking you. I need the address of where you got that.”

    Me: “Listen, I—”

    Doctor: “And since you have tattoos, it’s likely you’ve used drugs at one point, so we need to check you for HIV.”

    Me: “Look—”

    Doctor: “You young people think you’re never getting these diseases, but you do; I’ve seen a LOT of young people who got illnesses from needles—”

    Me: “It’s a rub-on!”

    Heart Attack At Work


    A Real Hum-Dinger Of A Hymn

    | OH, USA | Employees, Musical Mayhem, Religion

    (My mother-in-law is in assisted-living apartments, and is very happy at Easter because they are going to have Easter church services at the facility.)

    Mother-In-Law: “They were putting together the program but had to redo it.”

    Me: “Why?”

    Mother-In-Law: “It seems they’d included a couple of hymns as part of the service and the know-it-all administrator had volunteered to type up the hymns from a hymnal.”

    Me: “Why was that a problem?”

    Mother-In-Law: “She didn’t understand that the verses are printed above the music and the same music is used for each of the four lines, so she just typed the words in the order they appeared, which totally scrambled the whole thing. I overheard the conversation…”

    (Below is the conversation, as described by my mother-in-law:)

    Know-it-all Administrator: “Well, I’m not a musician! Who on Earth could be expected to know this stuff?”

    Events Coordinator: “But [Administrator], you go to church every single week which is why you don’t work Sundays. Don’t they sing in your church?”

    Know-it-all Administrator: “Well, of course, they do, but I just hum along because I never could figure out the song book!”

    Repeating Until You’re Unconscious

    | England, UK | Employees, Health & Body, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (I’m walking down the main club street in my city and I see a woman crying and clearly in pain. She suddenly bends double and clutches her chest. I stop and ask if she needs an ambulance. After a quick chat to make sure she’s not just drunk, I dial 999.)

    Me: “Hello, I need an ambulance to outside [Business] on [Street]. I have a woman here with chest pains and breathing trouble.”

    Operator: “I don’t have the address. Which city are you in? What’s the street name again?”

    Me: “It’s [City] on [Street] outside the [Business]. It’s okay; it’s the main street. The drivers will know it.”

    Operator: “Do you have a postcode? I can’t find the location on my map.”

    Me: “No, I don’t have the postcode, but it’s one of the main streets.”

    (I give her a lot more landmarks, including a well-known hotel opposite us.)

    Operator: “I need a postcode.”

    Me: “Oh, for goodness sake, just send the driver to where I’ve JUST said. The ambulance station is only a minute or two away! They’ll know where it is.”

    Operator: “OK, is the woman conscious?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Operator: “Is she breathing?”

    (Yes, she’s conscious, breathing, and standing up. She’s breathing funny and is complaining of chest pains.)

    Operator: “Can she speak?”

    Me: “Yes, but she’s distressed and moaning in pain.”

    Operator: “Has she taken any drugs in the past 24 hours?”

    Me: *to the woman* “Have you taken any drugs?”

    Woman: “Yes, prescription antibiotics called [Name]. I was told if I had this reaction I was to go back to hospital.”

    Me: *to operator* “Yes, [Name].”

    Operator: “Is she conscious?”

    Me: “YES!”

    Operator: “Has she taken any drugs in the past 24 hours?”

    Me: *getting a bit frustrated* “YES. I don’t know her personally; she’s a stranger but she’s just told me she HAS taken antibiotics called [Name] and she’s been warned about these side effects. Are you sending the ambulance?”

    Operator: “Yes, but I’ll need to know where you are.”

    (At this point, a couple of police officers who have been watching from over the road saunter over to see what’s going on.)

    Operator: “Is she conscious?”

    Me: “YES! She’s standing up and moaning in pain.”

    Operator: “I’m going to need to you take her pulse… I’ll teach you to do that.”

    Me: *shoving my phone into an officer’s hand* “Here’s a police officer but for GOODNESS SAKE SEND AN AMBULANCE!”

    (The police officer then went on to recite the exact information I’d just given, just as the ambulance arrived!)

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