(My husband and I are grabbing a quick lunch at a local cafe. I unwrap my sandwich and find a bunch of long, black hairs sticking out. I go and see about getting a new sandwich made.)

Cashier: “Welcome to [cafe name]. What can I get you?”

Me: “Actually, I just ordered a sandwich less than five minutes ago and I found a bunch of hairs in my sandwich.”

(I show the cashier the sandwich, hair and all.)

Cashier: “Ma’am, it’s only your hair. The sandwich is still good; just take them off and you’ll be fine.”

Me: “Um… no. First off, the hair on the sandwich is not mine. If you look, you’ll see that my hair is neither long or black. Secondly, I am not fine with it. I find it rather nasty that someone else’s hair is on my food, so I would appreciate it if you would remake it. If that is going to be too much trouble, then I just want a refund for the sandwich.”

Cashier: “Lady, chill out. It’s only hair. You’re acting as if it is contaminated or something. I promise you that we’re all clean here, so there aren’t any germs on your sandwich.”

(At this point, I’m seriously pissed off and about to demand a manager when one comes up and taps the cashier on the shoulder.)

Manager: *to cashier* “Seriously?! My office, right now. Not at the end of your shift, not in ten minutes… now. Get up there and wait for me.” *to me* “Ma’am, I am so sorry about that. Of course we’ll remake that for you. What did you have again?”

(The manager personally remade my food and I walked away with a free, freshly-baked cookie as well.)

Related:
Hair Abhorrent (Not Always Right)

(My coworker is filling balloons with helium to decorate our furniture store.)

Coworker #1: “Did you know that if you fill one of those balloons with twice as much helium, it’ll be twice as weightless?”

Coworker #2: “Really?”

Coworker #1: “Yep!”

Me: “Um, you know that helium isn’t truly weightless, don’t you? It may become more buoyant, but it isn’t ever weightless.”

Coworker #1: “That’s not true. Helium is weightless. How else would it make the balloon float? So it stands to reason that twice as much would be twice as weightless!”

Me: “No, weightless means zero weight. By your logic, twice zero is zero, but helium isn’t weightless. It’s simply that helium is lighter than the gases comprising air. Take the example of a bubble rising to the surface of water because the water is heavier than air.”

Coworker #1: “But air doesn’t have weight either! Can you feel it?” ”

(To demonstrates his point, he fans the air in front of himself.)

Coworker #1: *triumphantly* “NO!”

Me: *facepalm*

(My friend and I are customers at a new cafe; we overhear this conversation.)

Manager: “[Employee's name], we need to have a talk.”

Employee: “Yeah, what’s up?”

Manager: “I overheard you make a homosexual slur towards a customer not long ago. I also have a write up from the assistant manager that you called her a ‘f**’ because she mentioned her girlfriend.”

Employee: “Yeah, just letting those f*****s know I don’t agree with their s***.”

Manager: “Well, I don’t agree with your ‘s***’. In fact, I have no tolerance for it. Congratulations: you are the first employee I’ve ever fired within their first week of work. Go home.”

Employee: *storms out*

Related:
Don’t Get This Owner Fired Up

(I am having stomach pain, and go to the ER. I am over 40. A very young, male doctor comes in. The bed is only screened by curtains from other people.)

Doctor: “So, you’re having stomach pain?”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Are you pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

Doctor: “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

Me: “Certain. I’m not pregnant.”

Doctor: “Not everyone knows they’re pregnant. The symptoms are…” *reels off list*

Me: “I’m not pregnant. I’ve had two children, and know how my body reacts. Really: not pregnant.”

Doctor: “Every pregnancy is different.”

(Note: by now, everyone in the ER is listening.)

Me: “I am separated. I haven’t had sex in two years. Even a blue whale would have given birth by now. Not. Pregnant.”

Related:
Immaculate Misconception, Part 3
Immaculate Misconception, Part 2
Immaculate Misconception

(My family and I did pictures at a [superstore] about two months ago. For a month and a half, my mother had been trying to get them, only to find out the photo studio went out of business, taking all the money and delivering none of the remaining pictures. After getting the runaround for weeks, my mother gets a phone call.)

Picture Lady: “Hi, is this Erika Christensen?”

Mom: “Yes, who is this?”

Picture Lady: “This is… did you take pictures in the Conway [superstore] a while back?”

Mom: “Yes. I have been trying to get them for months.”

Picture Lady: “I have your photos; if you have not received a refund, I can bring them to you.”

Mom: “Really! Where?”

Picture Lady: “Meet me over at Starbucks.”

(They meet.)

Mom: “I am so glad that you have these.”

Picture Lady: “Yeah, I am just glad that I got ahold of you. When they closed up shop they never bothered to tell us, and ever since I have been trying to track all of you down to get your pictures to you. After all, these are peoples’ families we are talking about here.”

Mom: “You have no idea how much this means to us. Thank you!”

(If you are reading this, Picture Lady: I just wanted to let you know how much this really does mean to us. My grandmother in the picture just got a pace maker put in and we do not know how much time we have left with her. My sister is a Marine and could be deployed soon. My daughter has never had a professional photo before, so this is a big first for our family. Being able to take those pictures with them meant the world to us and now to have them back means even more. Thank you!)