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    Category: Extra Stupid

    Should Have Been Left To Stew In Your Own Juice

    | Devon, England, UK | Employees, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (I’m in the supermarket looking for tomato juice but they have run out of long-life cartons and I don’t know where the fresh juice is kept, so I find an employee.)

    Me: “Where is your fresh tomato juice, please?”

    Employee: “Uh, I have no idea.”

    Me: “…”

    Employee: *seeing this is not making me go away* “Uh… it might be with the bottled soy sauce and stuff?”

    Me: “No,it’ll be refrigerated. FRESH tomato juice?”

    (The employee then wanders over to a nearby chilled cabinet, looks around for a bit and then triumphantly holds up a tub of tomato and basil spaghetti sauce.)

    Employee: “Here you go!”

    Me: “Umm… no…”

    Desk-Side Disservice

    | MI, USA | Bosses & Owners, Extra Stupid

    (According to the courier service, a packet of documents my boss needs arrived four days earlier. He’s been around our small office searching with no luck. I slip into the conference room while he’s taking a call and slip the packet, still in its envelope, in front of him.)

    Boss: *to caller* “Hold on one second.” *mutes the call and turns to me* “Where did you find this?”

    Me: “It was in your trash can.”

    (My boss looks bewildered and goes back to his call. He finishes and comes up to my desk.)

    Boss: “Did you sign for this when it arrived?”

    Me: “I think so.”

    Boss: “And you just put it on my desk? You can’t do that! This is extremely important stuff. It can’t be left just anywhere. Look what just happened! Next time you get a delivery, put it somewhere safe!”

    (By this point I’m trying desperately not to laugh. My boss notices, and realizes what he’s just told me.)

    Boss: “Uhm, so… don’t trust me, the owner of this place, with the important stuff. Next time, give it to [His Wife] instead.”

    Can’t State This Enough

    | USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Geography

    (My family and I take a vacation to Block Island, off the coast of Rhode Island. Rhode Island is a very small state, but a state nonetheless. While out kayaking, my dad loses his wallet, including his credit cards. When we get home he calls the credit card company to cancel his card.)

    Rep: “Okay, sir, where were you when you lost your credit card?”

    Dad: “I was on Block Island. That’s a part of Rhode Island.”

    Rep: “Thank you, sir. And what state is Rhode Island in?”

    Sinfully Delicious

    | PA, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (I have a talent for being rather convincing, and talking in such a way that keeps people interested even when they know I’m spewing bullc**p. I attempt to convince a coworker of my goofy opinions.)

    Me: “Urg, I hate mayonnaise”

    Coworker: “What? How can you hate mayonnaise.”

    Me: “Do you know what mayonnaise is?”

    Coworker: “It’s, uh, eggs. And oil or something, isn’t it?”

    Me: “No. Mayonnaise is evil given tangible shape.”

    Coworker: “No, it’s not!”

    Me: “It is! You know how, like, there’s water everywhere in the air? All the air we breathe and walk through contains evaporated water?”

    Coworker: “Yeah.”

    Me: “It’s everywhere around us, but you can’t really ‘feel’ it like that. But the water vapor can gather and condense into rain, or become normal water that we can drink and touch.”

    Coworker: “Well, yeah.”

    Me: “Evil is like that, too. It exists in the metaphysical all around us. Mayonnaise is the gathered and coalesced form of evil made into a tangible shape.”

    Coworker: “NO, IT’S NOT!”

    Me: “It is! Haven’t you even heard the story of The Deal?”

    Coworker: “What? No.”

    Me: “Okay, it goes like this. Way back when, God and the Devil made a deal. Sort of a cosmic game with the souls of all humanity as the stakes. Like, the souls in Heaven and Hell might not stay there. If one wins they get all the souls in the other as well as those of anyone left alive.”

    Coworker: “Okay…”

    Me: “Well, when they started this ‘game’ they each got a handicap. God got that humans would be born inherently good. That they would need to be TEMPTED into being bad. Now, obviously there are many ways to do that: greed, desire, traumatic upbringing, what have you. But people come into this world pure and good and need to be given reason to be bad. You follow so far?”

    Coworker: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Okay, so this was a major card on the table. And to counter the major advantage of mankind’s inherent goodness, the Devil got mayonnaise.”

    Coworker: “What!?”

    Me: “It’s true. The existence of mayonnaise alone is the major balance of the scale to counter out humanity’s inborn purity. It’s the gathering of evil and acts as a tumor upon our lives and our souls. Where it’s found, things get worse.”

    Coworker: “But I LIKE mayonnaise!”

    Me: “Some people like euthanizing puppies. It’s wrong, but we can’t tell people what they like and don’t like. There are some people who work at an animal shelter who get a kick out of putting down a cute little puppy and that’s wrong. Just like YOU’RE wrong for liking mayonnaise!”

    Coworker: “I… that’s terrible!”

    Me: “Whatever. You’re the evil one who’s actively damning our souls with your disgusting food choice.”

    Coworker: “Oh, shut up!”

    Should Have A Brain Scan

    | CA, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (This takes place in the early ‘90s. Our office has changed computer systems and has new terminals. On the front of the terminal is a green power light.)

    Coworker #1: “What’s the light for?”

    Coworker #2: “It is a retinal security system. You have to put your eye to it each time you login: morning, lunch, or break.”

    (A week later.)

    Supervisor: “[Coworker #1], what the f*** are you doing with your eye to the terminal?!”

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