(The managers at our retirement community are out of town, so we have some corporate subs in. I’ve just returned from taking some folks out in the bus. I pass the manager’s office and see both sub-managers there, happily chatting. I then return to my office; while there, I overhear a conversation between two coworkers in the hall.)

Coworker #1: “I can’t believe the elevators are not working.  It has been so long.  What are they going to do?  How are we going to get to our rooms?”

Coworker #2: ”I just feel so bad for the person who is in there.”

Me: “Is someone stuck in the elevator?”

Coworker #1: ”Oh yes. She’s been in there close to an hour.”

Me: ”Are you sure?”

Coworker #2: ”Yes. Shortly after you left the elevator started making a funny noise and then we heard someone banging.”

Me: ”Didn’t you tell the managers?”

Both Coworkers:  ”We told them.”

(I run to the manager’s office and find a sub-manager there.)

Me: ”Did you know someone was stuck in the elevator?”

Sub-Manager: ”Yeah. The door is stuck or something. You know, I have a key here somewhere that will bring the elevator down to the first floor and then the door will open.”

Me: ”Will you please get it!? Someone is in there?”

Sub-Manager: “I don’t think it is a resident. I think it is a nurse.”

Me: ”Get the key!”

(It’s clear the stuck elevator is on a higher floor, so I get a screw diver and crowbar and run the stairs to the third floor. When I knock, I can clearly hear someone on the other side.)

Me: ”Are you okay?”

Nurse: ”NO! Get me out! Please help me!”

Me: ”Okay. I know this is awful but we are going to get you out. Just take a deep breath. Okay?”

Nurse: ”Okay.”

(She sounds very close to tears but a little less frantic.)

Me: ”Now, I am going to try to force this door. I’ll need your help. Push as hard as you can against the door and towards your left. Ready?”

Nurse: ”Ready.”

(Together, we get the door open in about five seconds and she jumps out. The nurse is okay, but clearly rattled, overheated, and thirsty, so a helpful resident comes with a bottle of water. I clean the elevator sensors and ride it down to the first floor to find both sub-managers still sitting there, talking.)

Me: “Did you find that key?”

Sub-Manager: “Yeah, it must be one of these here.”

Me: ”Why didn’t you try to use it?”

Sub-Manager: “Oh, yeah, I guess I could have done that?”

Me: ”How long was the elevator inoperable?”

Sub-Manager: “I dunno. We got a call at about 3:10.” (It’s 4:25 by now.) “Did you know you could call from the elevator?”

Me: ”YES! It is so someone stuck in there can get help!”

Sub-Manager: “That makes sense…”

(The nurse quit the very next day. We had to put up with those sub-managers for three more weeks!)

(While cleaning a yogurt machine before opening, I hear the landing noise of the TARDIS. I’m a huge Doctor Who fan.)

Me: “NO WAY!”

(I run to front of store and see no TARDIS. I walk back to office and find my coworker.)

Coworker: *chuckling* “You didn’t think that was real, did you?”

Me: “For a minute there, yes I did!”

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(I overhear this exchange between a new coworker of mine and a customer.)

New Coworker: “Okay, so I need to see your license for that beer.”

Customer: “Well, my license got revoked, but I have a passport here.” *presents her passport*

New Coworker: “No, I don’t think that will work. It has to be a state-issued ID.”

Me: “…[Coworker], for the love of all that is holy: ‘state issued’ means issued by the GOVERNMENT, not the actual state of Colorado.”

New Coworker: “No, I don’t think that’s what it means.”

Me: “I assure you that one of the many definitions of ‘state’ is ‘government.’ A passport is definitely issued by the government.”

New Coworker: “Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.”

Me: “Yeah, I have a passport. They’re issued by the federal government.”

New Coworker: “But not the state.”

Me: “The government IS the state!”

New Coworker: “I don’t see how the government could be Colorado.”

Me: *facepalm*

(My boyfriend and I are regulars at this restaurant, and as such, our orders are fairly well known.)

Me: “I want a Number 1, with cheese, only ketchup and mayo, medium, with a pineapple smoothie.”

Cashier: “Okay, that’s a Number 1, with cheese, only ketchup and mayo, medium, with a pineapple smoothie. I should have this memorized by now!”

Me: “If we keep coming in here every weekend, you will!”

(While my boyfriend places his order, I go sit down and wait for our food.)

Cashier: *to the grillworker* “This sandwich is supposed to be only ketchup and mayo.”

Grillworker: “Okay, gotcha.”

(A few minutes later, I hear the cashier talking to the grillworker again.)

Cashier: “This isn’t what I asked for. Only ketchup, only mayo, cheese. This is that sandwich, without lettuce.”

Grillworker: “Right, that sandwich, without lettuce.”

Cashier: “No. Only ketchup, only mayo, with cheese.”

Grillworker: “Okay, I’ll fix it.”

(This goes on for awhile. Eventually, our order comes up, and my sandwich is correctly labeled. What did I find when I opened it? No lettuce, no mayo, ketchup, mustard, and pickles. I show it to the cashier.)

Cashier: “Why is it that they stick me with the idiots on Sundays?”

Me: “Your employer does that to you, too?”

(I’m at a job retreat, and am having an interesting conversation with my co-workers. Note: I am an out lesbian.)

Coworker #1: “You know, I didn’t think I’d like the movie Tangled, but I did like it. It was cute.”

Me: *laughs* Oh, man. My girlfriend is totally like Rapunzel. The blonde hair, the bubbly personality, the singing. She’s totally her Disney princess.”

(By this point, everyone seems to get that I’m gay except one coworker.)

Coworker #2: “So, is your boyfriend like the Flynn Rider guy?”

Me: “N… no. I said my girlfriend.”

Coworker #2: *blank stare*

Me: “You know… girlfriend.”

Coworker #2: *blank stare*

Me: “…I’m gay, dude.”

Coworker #1: “I think everyone got that.”

Me: “Not everyone, apparently!”

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