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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 7

    | Endicott, NY, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Family & Kids

    (At about six pm, the phone rings.)

    Me: “Hello.”

    Telemarketer: *speaking with a very thick, almost cliché Indian accent* “Hi! My name is Doug! I’d like to talk to you about upgrading your home security system! We have plenty of offers…”

    Me: *interrupting, but staying polite* “…Oh, thank you very much. But we don’t have a home security system and aren’t interested. You have a nice day, Doug. Take care.”

    Telemarketer: “Oh… ok. Thank you and good-bye.”

    (I hung up the phone and sit down. Five minutes later, the same number called back.)

    Me: *answering the phone* “Uh… hi.”

    Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Doug! I’d like to talk…”

    Me: *interrupting* “Hi. You just called us. Sorry, we’re not interested. Have a nice night though.”

    Telemarketer: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to call back. Thank you and good-night!”

    (Less than 10 seconds after I hung up, the phone rang again.)

    Me: “Please stop calling this number. This is the third time I said we’re not interested.”

    Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Doug! I’d like to…”

    Me: “Okay, first of all… your name isn’t ‘Doug.’ Second. Stop calling!”

    (I hung up. This time there was a pause of five minutes before good ol’ ‘Doug’ called back.)

    Me: “Listen, ‘Doug’… Stop calling us! If this keeps up, we will contact the police and report this number for harassment.”

    Telemarketer: “Oh.”

    (I hung up and he called right back. This time I handed it off to my mother, who was furious about the fact that he had already called numerous times.)

    Mom: “Stop calling us! We don’t want what you’re offering!”

    Telemarketer: “May I speak to the man of the house?”

    Mom: “No, you may not. I own this house with my husband. He doesn’t want to talk to you, so you’re going to talk to me. And I’m telling you to stop.”

    (She hung up on him and he called back yet again a few minutes later. This time we handed the phone to my step-father.)

    Step-Father: “We’re calling the police.”

    Telemarketer: “What?”

    Step-Father: “You’ve spent the past 15 minutes harassing us over the phone. We’re calling the police.”

    (They argued back and forth for several minutes. My step-father hung up and informed us that ‘Doug’ evidently didn’t understand why we were calling the police, and in fact, seemed to barely understand who the police even were. Needless to say, he called back again. This time we let it ring through, hoping he’d leave a message and then stop calling. He didn’t leave a message. He just called right back again about four more times before we picked up the phone again. My mom answered this time.)

    Mom: “Okay, ‘Doug’… You pushed my ‘a**-hole button’ too many times.”

    (She proceeds to threaten him with the police again, before launching into a barrage of insults, evidently because he ignored the threat of police and tried to sell her a home security system again. We hung up. We tried to call the local police department about a minute later, but “Doug” interrupted us. He had just called as we picked up the phone to start dialing, he was already on the line. We just hung up and immediately called the police before he could call again.)

    Step-Father: *a few minutes later, while on phone with the police* “Oh, my god! The phone just beeped! He’s trying to call us again!”

    (An officer that was nearby showed up about five minutes later. While we were waiting for the officer, “Doug” tried to call our house again three more times. The officer took the number, and had to leave to take care of something else. “Doug” tried to call us one more time, before the calls suddenly stopped. He returned a short while later just to check in, and informed us that “Doug” was not going to be calling back. Evidently, the police had contacted the number in the meantime, and reported ‘Doug’ to a number of superiors.)

    Related:
    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 6
    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 5
    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 4

    Your Scam Is Malfunctioning

    | Fairfax, CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Liars/Scammers

    (I just received a call from ‘Allen,’ the Microsoft Certified Technician, who says there’s something wrong with my computer:)

    Me: “I am really busy right now, but could you please call back in five minutes at my other number?”

    Caller: “Sure. Just say the number.”

    Me: “My number is [number]. Thanks, and I look forward to chatting with you.”

    (I hang up and called the same number and the Fairfax Police Department dispatcher answers.)

    Me: “Hi, [Dispatcher]. You should expect a phone call from Allen the scammer regarding a malfunctioning computer.”

    Dispatcher: *laughs* “That’s a great one! I look forward to chatting with him!”

    Paid His Burger Tax

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Bosses & Owners, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, New Hires, Theme Of The Month

    (I am offered a job over the phone. The manager tells me to come in the next day. When I get there he tells me he will pay me under the table $9 an hour (min wage is $11) and tries to argue that he is paying more than minimum wage because there are no taxes. Even at $11 an hour, I would not be earning nearly enough to be taxable. About a half hour into me doing basically all grubby kitchen tasks (cleaning, washing dishes, taking out garbage, restocking fridge, etc):)

    Manager: “Would you like something to eat? You can have anything on the menu for free.”

    Me: “No, thanks. I’m not hungry right now.”

    (The manager continues to offer at 10 minute increments for the next hour and a half, while I start to get very uncomfortable that this job is under the table for an exploitative wage doing gross work and therefore he doesn’t have any responsibility if I get hurt, which is very possible.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think this will work out. I have to leave now.”

    Manager: “Oh, that’s okay. I can’t pay you for only two hours but come back for that meal anytime.”

    (Two weeks later:)

    Me: “Hey man.”

    Manager: “Hey.” *recognizes me* “So, what can I get you?”

    Me: “Just a burger, please.”

    Manager: “$4.50, please.”

    Me: “I thought you said I could have it for free because of those two hours of free work I did for you.”

    Manager: “Do you know what food costs? I can’t just give it away for free.”

    Me: “Do you know what my work costs if you bother to make it legal? I think I’m entitled to a burger. And, yeah, I’d ballpark the patty, bun, and toppings at about 1.50 tops.”

    Manager: “Was this your plan? You respond to my ad, stay for less than a shift, all to try to get free food? This is a business here!”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s what I do. I go around to restaurants and pretend I’m looking for a job all so I can get free hamburgers. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to get my lunch somewhere else!”

    (I emptied his tip jar into my pocket to pay for my two hours and walked out the door.)

    Quebec To The Drawing Board

    | NB, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Geography, Transportation

    (In Quebec, there is no law stating that a car needs to be inspected every year, or that a car needs a license plate in the front. These are required in a car from New Brunswick. The police have set up a checkpoint to see if people have had their car inspected.)

    Me: *stopping* “Everything all right, officer?”

    Officer: *looking at my dash, and taps where the inspection sticker usually goes* “Not for you! You don’t have an inspection sticker!”

    Me: “The car is from Quebec. We don’t need one.”

    Officer: *looks at front bumper then sing-songs* “We don’t have a license plate! I’m going to need your license and registration please.”

    Me: “Ma’am, the car is from Quebec. I’m just a student here.”

    Officer: *ignores me and goes to see my rear bumper and sees the Quebec plate, then comes back to my window* “License and registration.”

    Me: “Okay. Here is my French license and here is my French registration.”

    Officer: *looks at them thoroughly then looks at me* “Here. Move along.”

    Me: “Okay, have a good day!” *leaves*

    Can’t Getaway With It

    | MI, USA | Criminal/Illegal, New Hires

    (I work in the front desk of a factory, so all applications go through me before being turned in to HR. I always look through the apps first to see where they are from, where they worked before, etc… Some are very interesting in the have you committed a felony part, but my all time favorite:)

    Question: “What felony were you charged with?”

    Applicant: “I drove the getaway car.”


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