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  • Good To Sell Until Hell Freezes Over
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  • Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Look At The Shirt Before You Get Shirty

    | SA, Australia | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Employees

    (My volunteer group has just finished up a community event and we are all wearing bright green promotional shirts. As many other restaurants are full, we all go for lunch at a small pub where the only customers are two middle-aged couples. I am last in line to pay after we have eaten.)

    Friend In Front Of Me: “Just the lasagna and lemon squash, thanks.”

    (He pays for his items and steps aside with the others who have paid so I can approach the register.)

    Cashier: *to friend* “Hey, there’s still a meal and drink to pay for! Don’t think you can just walk on out of here without settling your bill!”

    Me: “Um—”

    Cashier: *glances at me* “One moment, please.” *to friend* “Just because there’s so many of you it doesn’t mean you can confuse me into thinking you’ve paid for everything! Split billing keeps track of all of it!”

    Friend In Front Of Me: *gesturing at me* “Uh, there’s still one more to pay—”

    Cashier: “Yes, exactly. One more surf-n-turf and a [soda]! Now are you going to cover the difference between you all or is the cheat who tried to get their meal for free going to own up?”

    Another Friend: “I think she has been patiently waiting to pay this whole time.”

    (The cashier turns towards me and slowly looks me up and down. I’m in the same lime shirt as all the others.)

    Cashier: “Oh, I didn’t know you were with them.”

    In Your Darkest Extra Hour

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Criminal/Illegal

    (I’ve already worked the daily maximum hours allowed at my job when this occurs.)

    Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], I’m gonna need you to come in for a couple of hours to cover [Another Coworker].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, man, I can’t. I’m already maxed out. I’ll be in tomorrow, though.”

    Coworker: *typing in the background* “It’s cool. I just fixed it so you can come in. I erased the last few hours you worked so you should be cool to do what I need.”

    Me: *in disbelief* “You just erased a few hours off my timecard? Do you know how illegal that is?”

    Coworker: “Oh, relax. Who’s gonna find out anyway?”

    Me: “How about [Boss] when she shows up tomorrow morning?”

    Coworker: “You worry too much; she’ll never know. And besides, it’s my word against yours, anyway.”

    Me: “No, it’s actually your word against mine; the surveillance system, and the recording of this call that will prove to [Boss] who’s telling the truth.”

    Coworker: “…”

    Me: “Also, just so you know, those are both backed up off-site and can only be accessed by [Boss] or her boss.”

    Coworker: “…”

    (Oddly enough, for some reason, that coworker mysteriously quit before the start of next shift.)

    The Manager Takes All The Credit

    | Sweetwater, NJ, USA | Bosses & Owners, Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Money, Theme Of The Month

    (This happened in the summer of 2002 before people really took security seriously. I am 19 and working as the cashier at a restaurant. At around 7 pm, I get the following phone call:)

    Caller: *on a very garbled line* “Have you been taking credit card payments today?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Caller: “We haven’t been receiving any from you. What we need you to do is split up all the receipts by card, and then read me the numbers and the expiration dates.”

    Me: *not trusting this guy* “I don’t have the authority to do that. You’d need to speak to the manager.”

    Caller: “Okay, we’ll call back in a half an hour to speak to him.”

    (Thinking this is very weird, I go to the manager, explain what happened, and emphasize that this felt very sketchy. He, however, hears “credit card payments not going through” and rushes to his office to await the call which comes through. At around 7:45, he comes down.)

    Manager: “I need you to sort all of the credit card receipts out by type of card. All the Mastercard together, all the Visa together, all the Amex together.”

    Me: “I really don’t think—”

    Manager: *giving me an exasperated look* “I don’t have time for this right now. Just do it. The credit card company is going to call back in an hour so I can read him the numbers and expiration dates.”

    (I did as he asked. Two days later, I came into work to find him in the bar area of the restaurant speaking with a State Trooper. After asking around a little, I found that there had been a rash of credit card fraud in the area where a guy had been calling in and having restaurants give him credit card info.)

    Doesn’t Have A Head Between Those Headphones

    | Japan | Coworkers, Criminal/Illegal

    (This exchange occurs in the Facebook group page for my company which provides native speaker English teachers to Japanese public schools.)

    Coworker: “Just to warn everyone: driving with headphones on is apparently illegal here in Japan. I just got a ticket.”

    Me: “Uh… that’s illegal in the States, too.”

    Coworker: “Really? It is?”

    Me: “The cops tend to frown on things that would prevent you from hearing horns, sirens… oncoming trains…”

    Lobotomy Monotony

    | USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Top

    (In spite of the fact that I have a cell-phone, I get a ton of telemarketing calls. I always ask them not to call back, but they continue.)

    Telemarketer: “Hello, I’m calling from [Law Firm] about a class-action lawsuit. Have you recently had a surgery you needed denied?”

    Me: “You know it’s illegal for lawyers to solicit services, right?”

    Telemarketer: “But, ma’am, isn’t there any surgery you need but haven’t been able to get approved by your insurance?”

    Me: “Actually, now that I think about it, I really could use a lobotomy and a boob job.”

    Telemarketer: “Excellent! At [Law Firm] we specialize in getting you services you need. So about your lobotomy—”

    Me: “Hey, think about what I said.”

    Telemarketer: “You said you needed a lobotomy?”

    Me: “Sounds like you had one if you don’t know what it is…”

    Telemarketer: “…”

    Me: “Think about it.”

    Telemarketer: “F*** you, b****!”


    (He hung up, and then started calling me from his PERSONAL cell to abuse me… until I turned his number over to the police. I have yet to be bothered by a telemarketer since!)

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