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    Category: Employees

    Taking Credit For Social Insecurity

    | Fairfax, VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Employees

    (I’m trying to open a bank account at a large national bank. I have what I believe to be the required items: two pieces of ID and a check to deposit.)

    Teller: “Okay, all I need now is two forms of ID.”

    (I hand her my drivers’ license and social security card. This is listed as acceptable forms of ID on their website.)

    Teller: ” I’m sorry, but I can’t accept your social security card as a second form of identification.”

    Me: “I don’t understand. How that is not a form of ID?”

    Teller: “I don’t know if this is yours, so I can’t accept it.”

    Me: “But your website lists it as an acceptable form of a secondary ID. My picture is on my license and my name matches my social security card. If a government issued card isn’t accepted, what else can I show to confirm my identification ?”

    Teller: “I can accept a credit card if you have one.”

    Me: “…”

    (At this point, I told her to cancel my application. I refuse to use a bank that accepts a credit card over a social security card as a form of identification!)

    Green Food Makes Him Green

    | Tulsa, OK, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    Cashier: “What’s this?”

    Me: “That’s an artichoke.”

    Cashier: “Oh, I don’t like those.”

    Me: “How can you know? 10 seconds ago you didn’t know what it was.”

    Cashier: “Um… I don’t like green food.”

    Too Early For Proper English

    | Shippensburg, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Employees, Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (In my first semester of college, I have an eight am class clear on the other side of campus. I am not once on time. One particularly bad morning I am walking to class, for my eight am midterm, at around 8:35. I stop in at my usual coffee spot on the way with my usual elderly coffee lady.)

    Me: *apparently speaking in what I assume is poor German for no apparent reason other than fatigue* “Ich möchte eine tasse kaffe, bitte.” *German for: I would like a cup of coffee, please*

    Coffee Lady: “Eine große oder kleine?” *German for: Large or small?*

    Me: *very much confused* “Did I ask for coffee in German?”

    Coffee Lady: “Yes.”

    Me: “Oh. Uh, große, bitte.” *German: A large cup, please*

    Coffee Lady: “Coffee’s on me. You’re going to miss your test.”

    (I run to class. As it turns out she is from Germany and was just as surprised as I was that I ordered in German! After my midterm I came back and chatted with her and we have been friends ever since! And she’s bought more than a few cups of joe for me!)

    Clocked Off For Good

    | MI, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Time

    (I manage the college campus coffee shop. One day, I notice one of the student workers going into the back room, where the time clock is located. She leaves moments later. Since she isn’t due to work that morning, I am curious, and I look at her time card. She has clocked in and left. I look back at past weeks, and determine that she had been clocking a few hours prior to most of her shifts for almost a month. I pull her time card, and leave a note for her to come see me.)

    Employee: “Hey, what’s up? I couldn’t find my time card, and your note didn’t say.”

    Me: “You clocked in a few hours ago, and then left.”

    Employee: “…and?”

    Me: “You falsified your record of hours worked, which constitutes fraud and theft. Since this has been going on for a month, the amount you’ve stolen is enough to count as a felony.”

    Employee: “Oh. So… is that a problem? I was short on money, and thought I’d get some extra hours.”

    Me: “Extra hours that you didn’t work?”

    Employee: “Yeah!”

    Me: “And you don’t see why that’s a problem?”

    Employee: “No, why?”

    Me: “Then you’re REALLY not going to expect what’s coming next.”

    (Since I’m a big softy, I just fired her, and didn’t bring the police into it.)

    Can’t Beat The Catbus

    | Ireland | Awesome Workers, Employees, Pets & Animals, Transportation

    (I had taken my cat to the vet and am getting on the bus back home. I get the same private-hire company’s shuttle bus every time so the drivers are used to me and my often-unusual luggage, but even so I always ask first.)

    Me: *holding the carrier, cat howling* “Do you mind taking a back-seat driver?”

    Driver: *looks into carrier* “I’m not sure I’m allowed to take vicious animals.”

    Me: “Do you mean me, or him?”

    Driver: “You.”

    (I laughed, paid, and sat down. After seven years and with other more modern services, that’s one reason why I always get that bus!)


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