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    Category: Family & Kids

    And After They Labored Over The Schedule

    | Japan | Coworkers, Crazy Requests, Family & Kids

    (I am an American living in small town in Japan working as an English language assistant teacher. In one of the schools I work at a Filipino family has moved into town within the past year with three kids in the school system. The mother is currently seven months pregnant. They are fluent in English, but sometimes require a bit of translation for Japanese. I’m often called in to help explain paperwork, school procedure, or to be a go between the parents and the Japanese teachers. They have one child with special needs and the school has organized to have them tour a special needs school nearby. The day they are scheduled to visit the pregnant mother calls the school. They hand me the phone.)

    Me: “Hello?”

    Mother: “Hello. This is [Mother]. I’m calling to say we won’t be able to make it to the meeting today. I’ve gone into early labor.”

    (Concerned as the baby is so early and trying to get her off the phone as quickly as I can so she can get back to it.)

    Me: “Oh! I’m sure it will be fine. I will explain everything to them. Just focus on yourself and the baby and I hope it all goes well!”

    Mother: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

    Administration: *in Japanese* “Well? What did she say?”

    Me: “It looks like she has gone into early labor and they will not be able to make it to the school tour today. I hope everything goes well. She’s not due for another two months.”

    Administration: “WHAT?! She’s not going to make the tour?”

    Me: *thinking maybe my translation was off, I try explaining again* “No, she’s in labor… The baby is coming… right now!”

    Administration: “They can’t do this! We made arrangements! There was a schedule!”

    Me: *one last ditch attempt* “She’s in the hospital. She can’t come. Her family is with her.”

    Administration: “They can’t do this!”

    Me: *walks away*

    Got Their Flatlines Crossed

    | Bethpage, NY, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (My wife is in labor with our first child. The fetal heart monitor has flat-lined. I rush into the hallway and find the nurses drinking coffee at their desk.)

    Me: “My baby’s heart is flatlined. We need help right away!”

    (They take their time to come down the hall. By the time they arrive, the baby’s heart is beating again. They check the records.)

    Nurse: “The machine was acting up. It was nothing.”

    (About five minutes later, the monitor flatlines again. This time the nurses come running. The doctor approaches me.)

    Doctor: “The baby is in distress. We could lose the baby and we could quite possibly lose your wife. What do you think we should do?”

    Me: *flabbergasted* “I think one of us went to medical school, and I sure as h*** hope it was you!”

    (My wife had no further complications and we are proud parents to a healthy baby girl.)

    Death Of A Sales Pitch, Part 4

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Employees, Family & Kids

    (It’s early in the morning before my college classes start. The phone rings as I am making my breakfast.)

    Caller: “Hello. May I speak with Gloria?”

    Me: *laughs* “Sure.”

    (I proceed to hold the phone up to the mantle in our living room, where my grandmother’s ashes sit. I can hear him go off on his script, pause, and call ‘Ma’am?’ several times. I give him a break.)

    Me: “Sir, my grandmother is dead. The only way you could possibly be unaware of that is if you’re selling something. My toast is done. I need to go.”

    (I hung up on him and went back to my morning routine.)

    Related:
    Death Of A Sales Pitch, Part 3
    Death Of A Sales Pitch, Part 2
    Death Of A Sales Pitch

    Broken Hearted

    | Eugene, OR, USA | Employees, Family & Kids, Health & Body, New Hires

    (My baby brother has a heart condition that makes his heart sound strange, but is otherwise healthy. My mother and I are at the doctor’s for a regular check-up, and a medical student is there to examine him.)

    Medical Student: “All right, let’s check his heartbeat.”

    (He pulls out a stethoscope and starts moving it around on my brother’s chest, but when he finds his heart the medical student stops moving and turns white.)

    Mom: “What’s happening? Is he all right?”

    Medical Student: *very slowly* “Oh, no, we’re fine…”

    Mom: “Oh, he has a weird sounding heart, but he’s healthy.”

    Medical Student: “Oh, thank god! I didn’t know what to do!”

    Telling You Until You’re Bleu In The Face

    | USA | Employees, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (When I was 10 I really liked bleu cheese. I was excited when they were giving samples at a store.)

    Me: “Mommy, can I go get some bleu cheese?”

    Mom: “Sure, honey. Go right ahead.”

    Employee: *guarding the sample tray as I am trying to reach* “You won’t like this. It is bleu cheese.”

    Me: “But I like bleu cheese.”

    Employee: “No. It is a grown-up food.”

    Mom: “Honey, what’s the matter?”

    Employee: “Your daughter is being rude to me.”

    Me: “All I said was that I like bleu cheese.”

    Employee: “No, she doesn’t. No kid likes bleu cheese.”

    Mom: “My daughter has a wide palate. She likes bleu cheese.”

    Employee: “No, she doesn’t. She probably just says that to you.”

    Mom: “No. She eats it a lot.”

    (Mom takes two and gives one to me.)

    Employee: “Oh. I guess she actually likes bleu cheese.”


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