• Acting Totally Heartless
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    Category: Health & Body

    Needs A Moral Screening

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Bizarre/Silly, Employees, Health & Body

    (I have started seeing a gynecologist in order to be prescribed birth control. I still see him annually for renewals and pap smears. My gynecologist is male, which I wouldn’t mind otherwise, but he is very old, old-timey and set in his ways.)

    Gynecologist: “Sex is between a man and a woman, a penis and a vagina. No mouths, no fingers, none of that!”

    (This was on my first visit, after telling him that at the time I had been having frequent UTI’s. I was in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship at the time.)

    Showing The Signs

    | PA, USA | Employees, Health & Body, Language & Words

    (I have just gotten my wisdom teeth removed, and in preparation I taught myself and my parents some sign language. My dad is with me after surgery when the nurse approaches us.)

    Nurse: *to me* “How are you feeling?”

    Me: *signing to my dad* “My mouth hurts, obviously.”

    Nurse: *gasps* “Oh! I’m so sorry, sir! I didn’t realize your daughter was deaf!” *to me, slowly and highly enunciated* “How. Are. You. Feel. Ing? You. Can. Write. On. This. Pa. Per?”

    (She offers me her clipboard and pen. I shoot my dad an exasperated look and he laughs.)

    My Dad: “She can hear fine, but she doesn’t want to talk because she just had oral surgery. She said her mouth hurts.”

    Me: *struggling to talk through the swelling* “Ow.”

    (The nurse turned bright red and apologized again. We conducted the rest of the conversation with me writing answers on the paper.)

    Making A Boob Of Oneself

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA | Employees, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I have just had my first daughter and am out shopping with her for the first time since she was born. About midway through, she starts crying because she’s hungry and I look for a quiet place to hunker down and feed her. I find a little bench in the women’s shoe department, sit down facing the wall, and start feeding my baby. I hear someone come up behind me. It’s an employee from another department.)

    Man: “Ahem. Ma’am, the bathroom is right over there.” *points none too subtly*

    (I ignore him and continue feeding my daughter.)

    Man: “Ma’am, I’ll be happy to escort you there.”

    Me: “Thanks, but no thanks. Almost done anyway. ”

    Man: *sighs heavily* “Ma’am, I’ve been kind. You need to go there NOW. That’s indecent.”

    Me: “Says you.”

    Man: “I WILL have you kicked out.”

    Me: “Under what grounds?”

    Man: “Indecent exposure.”

    Me: *I switch her to the other side* “I have an idea. It’s close to lunchtime. Why don’t you come in and eat with us? Grab your lunch.”

    Man: “What?!”

    Me: “Well, would you eat your lunch in a bathroom?”

    Man: “No, that’s disgusting!”

    Me: “Then don’t ask me to feed my kid there.”

    Man: “Then kindly leave the store.”

    Me: “No, thank you.”

    (He finally stormed off and returned a little while later with a manager, just as I was finishing burping my daughter. The manager apologized to me and stomped off while his employee stood there gape-jawed as I calmly packed up and resumed shopping. In a society that glorifies boobs, isn’t it funny that they become ‘immoral and indecent’ when they’re actually being used for what they were developed for in the first place?)

    The Cut-Throat World Of Medicine

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Employees, Health & Body, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (I have a bad sore throat, and thinking that it’s probably strep, which I often get, I decide to visit the local walk-in clinic.)

    Doctor: *takes a look at my throat* “Uh, I think you should get to the emergency room immediately.”

    Me: “What? Why?”

    Doctor:  “Just go. As soon as possible.”

    Me: “But, is it serious?”

    Doctor: “GO!”

    (Naturally, I look up my symptoms on the Internet on the way to the E.R. and am convinced that I have throat cancer. After I’ve waited for hours, the E.R. doctor is finally able to see me.)

    E.R. Doctor: “Why are you here?”

    Me: “I have a very bad sore throat.”

    E.R. Doctor: “WHAT? Are you serious? Why didn’t you just go to a walk-in clinic?”

    Me: “I DID! They sent me here! Can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

    E.R. Doctor: *looking at my throat* “For God’s sake, it’s just strep. Here’s a prescription for antibiotics. Next time, just go to a walk-in clinic rather than wasting my time.”

    (So, I was terrified and wasted most of a Saturday for nothing, and the E.R. doctor obviously thought I was a hysterical hypochondriac. Thanks, walk-in doctor!)

    Blowing Smoke At The Hot Air

    | VA, USA | Coworkers, Crazy Requests, Health & Body

    (I occasionally smoke, which is well-known to my coworkers.)

    Coworker: *on the phone* “I’m having some trouble with my analysis. Do you think you can take a look at it?”

    Me: “Sure, send me your analysis and I’ll check it.”

    Coworker: “But I can only trust you to check it if you haven’t smoked today. Have you smoked today?”

    Me: “Tobacco use hardly makes me less capable of checking your work, but I guess if it’s that important to you, no, I haven’t smoked today.”

    Coworker: “And you promise not to smoke before my deadline? So that I can trust your checks on my program?”

    Me: “Um, I smoke only tobacco, not drugs of any kind. I can’t promise you that I won’t smoke before your deadline in a week, but I will promise you that I won’t examine your analysis while using alcohol or illegal substances between now and your deadline. Does that work? It’s not like a cig makes me high or anything.”

    Coworker: “Nevermind, if you can’t guarantee your sobriety while you examine my analysis, your input is worthless.”

    (A couple of months later, after I have successfully quit smoking.)

    Coworker: *over email* “I need someone to check my analysis. Can you do it? But I only trust you if you haven’t smoked.”

    Me: “I actually quit a few months ago, so you can trust me to look at it.”

    Coworker: “That’s good to hear, so go ahead and check it. However, I will not meet with you in person unless you can guarantee that all of your clothes are new since you quit smoking. Third-hand smoke can still kill!”

    (I’d like to ask him what he does when he walks by someone smoking in public, but I’m afraid of the answer…)

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