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    Double Talk

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Liars/Scammers, Theme Of The Month

    (I work with a pair of identical twins for the overstock night shift. They know I’m atheist, so they’ve made it their business to preach their religion at me non-stop.)

    Twin #1: “So, [my name], you think about what we said on Tuesday?”

    Me: “Not really.”

    Twin #1: “Come on, man. This is important stuff.”

    Twin #2: “Yeah. You wanna go to h***?”

    Me: “Nope.”

    Twin #1: “I mean, I just don’t get you.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Twin #1: “If you don’t believe in God, where do you get your morals from?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Twin #2: “Yeah. The only way to know right from wrong is with God.”

    Me: “I don’t think so.”

    Twin #1: “Well, it’s still true, dude. It doesn’t matter what you think.”

    Twin #2: “Right. You should… hang on.”

    (Twin #2 gets a call on his cell phone and answers it. He turns away from his brother and me but keeps standing there.)

    Twin #1: “[My name], dude, do you think murder and rape are okay?”

    Me: “No.”

    Twin #1: “Well, that’s God, man. The only way you know that stuff is not okay is God.”

    Twin #2: *on the phone* “…You picked up my bike okay? No problems getting it? Cool…”

    Twin #1: “How about lying? Or stealing? You think it’s okay to do that?”

    Me: “No.”

    Twin #2: *on the phone* “..You think you could roll back the odometer about 5,000 miles…”

    Twin #1: “Well, it was God who said lying and stealing are wrong, man. It’s right there in the Bible.”

    Twin #2: *on the phone* “…Yeah, I know. But I’ve got somebody coming out to look at it and he said he didn’t want it if it was too used…”

    Twin #1: “So you KNOW that stuff like killing and raping and lying and stealing and being a racist and all that stuff is wrong. How do you explain how that’s wrong without God?”

    Twin #2: *on the phone* “…Oh yeah, you think you could paint over the rust on the brakes and the engine block, too? I’m pretty sure I could get at least two grand more out of this guy…”

    Twin #1: “God is righteous, [my name]. He’s going to punish people for doing all that stuff. You don’t want to go to Hell, do you?”

    Twin #2: *on the phone* “…Also, I think the front tire has a hole in it. No, no, don’t patch it. Just put more air in it. It only has to look full until the guy buys it…”

    Me: “Wait, wait, wait. Are you guys listening to each other here?”

    Both Twins: “What do you mean?”