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    Only Filthy Thing Is The Attitude

    | NY, USA | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Money, Theme Of The Month

    (I am moving out of my apartment. I am 24 years old. There is a maintenance worker at the complex who is going to come in and do a quick inspection before I leave. I’m a fairly disorganized guy, but I am able to spend the entire day, from eight am to four pm, cleaning up the apartment and getting it in a good condition before I leave. It isn’t perfect, but it is definitely in a good condition and doesn’t need any major repairs. Finally, at about four pm, the maintenance guy comes in. He walks in clearly already in a huffy, nasty mood, and looks around the apartment with a nasty scowl on his face the entire time. After he is finished, he calls me into the kitchen.)

    Me: “How’s the place? It’s not perfect, but I don’t see anything too wrong with it.”

    Maintenance Worker: “This place is filthy! Don’t you kids know how to clean? This is pitiful.”

    (I look around. Not to toot my own horn, but it was pretty darned clean. Easily the cleanest I’ve ever seen an apartment that was lived in by a single male in his mid 20s.)

    Me: “Uh… it looks okay to me.”

    Maintenance Worker: “You clearly didn’t clean at all! I don’t think your security deposit will even begin to cover everything that needs to be done!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but what EXACTLY is wrong with it? I spent eight hours straight cleaning, and even had a friend over earlier helping me out.”

    (He doesn’t respond for several moments. He is clearly straining to think of something to say.)

    Maintenance Worker: “Well, uh… there’s a stain on the carpet! That’s going to eat up your entire security deposit alone!”

    (I look. There is an ever-so-slight stain on the carpet that is so faint, I hadn’t even noticed it.)

    Me: “I can’t tell if it is a stain, or if it is just a damp-spot because I cleaned the carpet earlier.”

    Maintenance Worker: *becoming huffy* “I also saw [Breakfast Cereal] on the floor of the kitchen here! You didn’t sweep! THERE IS [Breakfast Cereal] EVERYWHERE!”

    (I look around, because I had indeed swept and the floor was spotless. There is no Breakfast Cereal on the floor. I sigh, realizing that he is having a bad day and is just trying to come up with an excuse to not give me back my deposit.)

    Maintenance Worker: “Do you KNOW how much it costs us to clean up [Breakfast Cereal] off the floor?!”

    Me: “Yeah… it doesn’t cost anything.”

    (He huffs and puffs and continues to come up with completely fabricated examples of how ‘filthy’ the apartment is. He also tries to blame me for plumbing problems with the complex that clearly aren’t my fault, since they existed before I moved in and I had even complained about them previously. He finally leaves without so much as a good-bye, muttering to himself about how I was a ‘sloppy little kid.’ Frustrated, I go to the office to return my key, because I want to get out as soon as possible, and don’t want to deal with him any more. The secretary glares at me as I return my key.)

    Secretary: “Why are you giving me the key? You’re supposed to be here over the weekend.”

    Me: “What?”

    Secretary: “The maintenance guy told me you agreed to come in Saturday and Sunday to clean out your apartment more, because he said it was filthy. Of course, this means that you’re going to have to pay us for the extra time you’re here, since you’ll technically have to rent out the apartment an extra few days. So you’re going to need to bring us a check for $25 to cover the weekend.”

    Me: “I NEVER agreed to come in over the weekend, and my apartment is not ‘filthy.’ You won’t be getting any more money because I’m returning the key today. My lease is up today, and I am leaving today.”

    Secretary: “Why would you lie to the maintenance worker? He said you told him you’d come in to clean the apartment, and even shook hands over it.”

    Me: “I most certainly did not. He was being absolutely mean when he did my inspection, over-exaggerated everything, and blamed me for problems that didn’t exist.”

    Secretary: “He wouldn’t lie to me. I know you told him you’d come in this weekend!”

    Me: *throwing the key on the desk in front of her* “If this is how you’re going to treat someone who always paid rent on time, and went out of my way to be friendly, then I want nothing to do with this complex. And you better not keep my security deposit, because there’s nothing wrong with the apartment!”

    Secretary: “How will you get into your apartment tomorrow to clean then? And remember, we need a check for $25!”

    Me: “No, I’m moving out today. You won’t be getting a check! And I won’t be in tomorrow to clean! I can’t make this any clearer! I’m gone today!”

    Secretary: “Fine! But if your place is filthy, expect to be contacted by a lawyer, because we’ll expect you to cover the cost of cleaning if your security deposit doesn’t cover the cost entirely!”

    (I left. About a month later, I got my security deposit back, almost completely in full, because- surprise, surprise -there wasn’t much of anything wrong with the apartment.)

    Atruficially Incorrect

    | Mansfield, OH, USA | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (I’ve been working in my store’s bakery for less than a year, so I’m not familiar with all our seasonal items. With Easter coming up, we’ve started making hot cross buns. They smell amazing, but I don’t like raisins so I check the ingredients label. A few minutes later, the store manager wanders by.)

    Me: “Hey, [Manager].”

    Manager: “Hey, [My Name].”

    Me: “Hey, do you know if there’s like… someone who gets paid to make our ingredients labels? And if so can I have their job?”

    Manager: “Um. Why?”

    Me: “Because I don’t think ‘enzumes‘ and ‘atruficial flavors‘ are a thing.”

    When Daleks Move Out

    | USA | Bosses & Owners, Language & Words

    (Though English is my native tongue, I’m also fluent in several other languages and sometimes get my words mixed up. I’m moving out of my flat and I need to find a new tenant to take over my room. This exchange happens when I try to tell the landlord about my progress.)

    Me: “So, I advertised the room online and I got loads of responses!”

    Landlord: “Oh wow! Good job.”

    Me: “Thanks! Some of them weren’t good matches though, so I had to exterminate them.”

    Landlord: “… What?”

    Me: “Wait, no! I mean eliminate! You know, cross them off the list!”

    (I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m a murderer now…)

    Different Strokes Of Humor

    | WA, Australia | Coworkers, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I am scanning documents and notice a horribly funny acronym. One of my colleagues are walking past me.)

    Me: “Are you immature?”

    Colleague: “Of course.”

    (I show them the document. Immediately they cover their mouth and laugh.)

    Colleague: “No way.”

    Me: “Yes way. IFAP.”

    Colleague: “Well, at least you’re honest.”

    Makes You Wanna Pop

    , | Southfield, MI, USA | Bosses & Owners, Food & Drink, Ignoring/Inattentive, Theme Of The Month

    (I work as a delivery driver for a major pizza chain. I have an exchange between me and one of the managers.)

    Me: “We’re getting seriously low on pop in the cooler.”

    Manager: “What about the pop cooler?”

    Me: “We’re getting seriously low on pop. The cooler needs to be filled.”

    Manager: “What’s wrong with the pop cooler? Is it broken?”

    Me: “No! The cooler is fine! We are getting extremely low on ALL pop!”

    Manager: “What do we need in the pop cooler?”

    Me: “… Duck…”

    Manager: “There should be plenty in the walk-in.”

    Me: “… Duck? Seriously…?”

    Manager: “Yeah, we’ll get it. Take your delivery.”

    (A half hour later, after my return from a delivery:)

    Manager: “Hey! The pop cooler is empty! Why didn’t you tell me?”


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