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    Milking The Conversation

    | CT, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I work at a dairy farm milking cows. Every milking, without fail, a conversation like this happens between us and one of the cows:)

    Bertha: “Moo.”

    Worker #1: “Hi, Bertha!”

    Bertha: “Mooooo.”

    Worker #2: “What’s the matter, girl?”

    Bertha: “Mooo.”

    Worker #1: “Are you hungry, Bertha?”

    Bertha: “Mooooooooooo.”

    Worker #2: “Be patient. We’re almost done.”

    Bertha: “Mooo.”

    (At this point, just as we are about to let her loose, Bertha always poops in the milking parlor.)

    Both Workers: “Thanks, Bertha.”

    Different Kinds Of Alarm Bells Should Be Ringing

    | UK | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Technology

    (During the night I get a phone call from our security company informing me that our security alarm is going off. The assistant manager and I meet at the store and manage to ascertain the cause of the problem is a door which had been opened earlier that day that links our premises to the travel agent next door. This door is normally locked and only the travel agents have a key. While closing it we trigger their alarm and call the police in the hope they can contact their key-holders about the situation. They are unable to get hold of the key-holders themselves but give me the number for their security company.)

    Employee: “Hello, [Security Company].”

    Me: “Hi, I’m calling on behalf of [Coffee Shop]. We have been advised to call you by the police regarding an alarm that has been set off at the premises of one of your clients.”

    Employee: “Okay, no problem. What’s your password?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have a password. We’re not one of your clients. The travel agents next door are and we’re calling to try and give you information so you can contact them.”

    Employee: “So if you don’t have their password do you have your password?”

    Me: “No, sorry. I think there may have been a misunderstanding. Our store is not a client of yours but we have set off an alarm at the travel agents next door who are one of your clients. It has been caused by a door that links the two properties. We need to get in contact with them to let them know the cause of the problem and to find out if they can lock the door as we don’t have a key for it.”

    Employee: “I can’t let you contact them without a password.”

    Me: “I’m not trying to contact them. I’m asking you to contact them. There is a security issue at your clients property and you are their security company. You will need to contact them about this; I want to give you information to help them to solve the problem.”

    Employee: “I’m sorry. I can’t do anything without your password.”

    Me: “So, you’re telling me I can’t let you know about a security issue at your client’s premises unless I have a password? It’s your duty to call your clients when their alarms are going off but you have no way of letting members of the public notify you their alarm is going off without a password? In spite of the fact that if I had a password I would presumably be a member of their staff and thus not need to contact you to let you know the alarm was going off?”

    Employee: “That is correct.”

    (Since the conversation was going nowhere I hung up. I contacted the travel agents the next day and they had not even received the mandatory call the security company should have made to them to let them know the alarm had been activated.)

    Your Job Here Is Done For

    | CA, USA | Coworkers, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (I’m a receptionist in a county office, and I deal with a lot of calls from providers in our network. There are specific coworkers that are the go-to person of the day. Any problem calls go to them. On this particular day Coworker #1 is the go-to person. I get a call that would normally go to Coworker #2.)

    Me: “[Coworker #1], I got a call regarding this client and since [Coworker #2] isn’t here, you get it.”

    Coworker #1: “What’s the problem?”

    Me: “Treatment and coverage issues.”

    Coworker #1: “I don’t think I want that.”

    Me: “What? But you’re the go-to guy today, and this is actually your specialty. I thought you knew how to do this?”

    Coworker #1: *smiling* “I try to be as uninformed and as useless as possible.”

    Me: *speechless at first* “And you have succeeded beyond my wildest expectations.”

    Coworker #1: *laughing* “Then my job is done here.”

    Me: *ignoring his side stepping out of this* “No, it’s not. I’ll put this in your pending and when [Coworker #2] returns tomorrow, you can wrestle with it in her office.”

    Coworker #1: “You’re no fun.”

    Me: “Then my job here is done.”

    Training To Fail

    | USA | Bosses & Owners, Extra Stupid

    (One of my shipmates has a serious problem with her evaluations and relates with us what transpired. The sailor in question is a top sailor, with a lot of drive, and has frequently been awarded for doing work normally assigned to higher pay-grades. Normally evals do not drop unless you are screwing up.)

    Shipmate: “Sir, why did my evals go down?”

    Eval Officer: “Well, I couldn’t justify giving you such high marks anymore.”

    Shipmate: “What? Why? My performance hasn’t gone down.”

    Eval Officer: “No, it hasn’t. But last time, you were ‘the only sailor qualified on [system]‘ and we now have two people qualified for it.”

    Shipmate: “So, my evals went down because I trained someone else on this system?”

    Eval Officer: “Yep!”

    Late Down To The Lockdown

    , | AK, USA | Bosses & Owners, Food & Drink, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (I’m one of three people working the opening shift. Since the two managers arrive first, they’re supposed to unlock the doors every day for us employees. On this particular morning, the front door is locked. I go around back to the employee entrance and find it is also locked. A few attempts at knocking prove fruitless, so I finally come around to the drive-through window, where I can see the managers and vaguely hear a conversation.)

    Manager #1: *checking the clock* “Where’s [My Name]? She’s five minutes late! She’s NEVER late!”

    (At this point, I knock on the window.)

    Manager #1: “[Manager #2], you get it. Tell them we’re a little short today.”

    Manager #2: *looking out the window and waving at me* “Say, [Manager #1]? Are you SURE you unlocked all the doors today?”

    Manager #1: “Sure I did! Why?”

    Manager #2: “Because [My Name] is standing right outside this window.”

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