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  • Swearing You Into A Job
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  • Playing Games With Work

    , | Baton Rouge, LA, USA | Bosses & Owners, Employees, Liars/Scammers

    (Early on a Saturday morning, one of my coworkers calls in sick, citing symptoms that are almost flu-like. Our manager calls me in to take his place during one of our busiest lunches of the week. Early in the afternoon, our manager calls the coworker to check on him. The coworker’s dad answers.)

    Manager: “Hey, how’s [Coworker] doing?”

    Coworker’s Dad: “Oh, he’s fine. He just left for the big college ball game with some friends, actually.”

    Manager: “Oh, really? Have him call me when he gets back in.”

    (That coworker didn’t keep his job past that afternoon!)

    Coming Clean About It

    , | PA, USA | Coworkers, Health & Body

    (I’ve just finished cleaning the bathrooms and decide to chat with our current shift leader, who is female.)

    Me: “Y’know, us guys have the reputation for being the dirty, messy gender. But after cleaning bathrooms here every day and witnessing the difference between the male and female restrooms I think that’s wrong. Seriously, HOW do girls get the bathroom that messy? For that matter, how do they manage to get pee on the seat? I would understand if some messy guy was too lazy to lift the seat in the guy’s room, but for women it shouldn’t even be pos—”

    Shift Leader: “Oh, that’s because most girls don’t sit down to go.”

    Me: “… You’re going to have to explain that to me.”

    Shift Leader: “Well, it’s a public restroom. Girls don’t want to catch some disease from some whore by sitting on the toilet seat. So, they sorta hover over it. And doing that it’s pretty easy to get some on the seat.”

    Me: “Okay, putting aside how gross that is, let’s address how stupid that is. If it was that easy to catch a disease from sitting on a shared toilet seat, there would be epidemics going all over the place. Public toilets aren’t cleaned THAT often.”

    Shift Leader: “Well, maybe not just by sharing butt space, but the pee itself can harbor diseases. Any bit caught on the seat could transmit something, so we hover.”

    Me: “I’m gonna stop you there for a sec to try and think this out… So from what you’re telling me we have ‘dirty’ girls and ‘clean’ girls. The dirty girls probably don’t care and sit right down on the seat. The clean girls hover, and as a result piss all over it. So not only are you only theoretically risking minute contamination from other ‘clean’ girls, but if all of you would just sit down on the d*** seat there wouldn’t be a issue in the first place and I wouldn’t have to clean piss off of the woman’s toilet every d*** day!”

    Shift Leader: “You just don’t get it.”

    Me: “I very clearly don’t!”

    Must Be Someone Of Note

    , | OH, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Coworkers

    (Recently, I’ve cut my hours due to my grades slipping in school. On one of the nights I used to work I stay home to study for an exam while my parents and brother went to get dinner at my workplace. My mom is trying to divide their order to use multiple coupons while my trainer is watching.)

    Trainer: “Hun, you don’t need to do multiple orders. I can take all those coupons for you in one.”

    Mom: “Oh, thank you!”

    Trainer: *after taking my family’s order* “How’s [My Name] doing? I miss seeing her around.”

    Mom: “She’s been hard at work. She misses coming here.”

    Coworker: *grabs a 12 lb. bag and a marker and starts writing on the bag*

    Trainer: “We all miss her. Hopefully she’ll do better.”

    Dad: “We hope the same.”

    Coworker: “[Trainer]? Can you come here?”

    (My family didn’t know it until they received their order, but my coworker and my trainer wrote a note for me on the bag. I still keep the bag with their notes.)

    Finally Off The Hook

    , | OH, USA | Bigotry, Coworkers

    (It is a rather slow day at my workplace. For the past year, one of my coworkers has been trying to hook me up with male customers, which I turn down. Her boyfriend shows up with her son while she goes on break. When she comes back, she is chatting about her son.)

    Coworker #1: “Hey, [My Name]. Do you want any kids?”

    Me: *restocking my station* “Nope.”

    Coworker #1: “Do you want to get married?”

    Me: “Nope.”

    Coworker #1: “Do you want a boyfriend?”

    Me: “Had one. Broke up with him. Don’t want another.”

    Coworker: “Why not?”

    Me: “I discovered I was asexual and aromantic when I was dating.”

    Coworker #1: “So you have sex with yourself?”

    Me: “No. It means I don’t want sex, just like aromantic means I don’t want any relationships other than familial or friendly.”

    Coworker #1: “Oh my gosh, [My Name]! You’re a woman! You’re made to make babies!”

    Me: “No. I am made to make high scores, art, stories, and honor to my God. Possibly even become a CSI.”

    (One of my other female coworkers who’s been listening in speaks up.)

    Coworker #2: “Amen, sistah!” *high-fives me*

    Coworker #1: *fumes off*

    Coworker #2: “So, what were those terms again? Because I think I’m one of those, too…”

    A Carb-Loaded Statement

    , | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    Coworker: “Hey, does carbonara sauce contain carbon?”

    Me: “I would assume so, since it’s the building block of just about all organic matter.”

    Coworker: “So that means that it’s called carbonara, because it contains carbon?”

    Me: “I don’t think that’s it…”


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