(The internet isn’t working in the building. My coworker is trying to fix the problem when I receive this call.)

Secretary: “The internet isn’t working!”

Me: “We know. We are trying to fix the problem right now.”

Secretary: “Can you tell me when it is going to work again?”

Me: “Sorry, but no, we are not sure where is the source of the problem. However, we are doing everything we can to solve the problem as soon as possible.”

Secretary: “But tell me when it’s going to work again.”

Me: “I don’t know. It can’t be long.”

Secretary: “I need to know when the internet is going to be working. Why don’t you tell me?”

Me: “I can’t tell you because if the problem isn’t solved, you are going to call us again asking why it is still not working. Please be patient.”

Secretary: “Tell me when the internet is going to work again!”

Me: “…The internet is coming back in five minutes.”

Secretary: “Really?”

Me: “No. I don’t know when the service will be back.”

Secretary: “Why you didn’t tell me that from the beginning?!”

Me: “Hi, I’m starting practice and I believe I need to come in next Monday for—”

Receptionist: “NO!”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Receptionist: “NO! The person in charge of that is on leave! She’s only coming back on Monday!”

Me: “So, when do I come in? I have a letter telling me to come on Monday the—”

Receptionist: “NO!”

Me: “I have the letter right here.”

Receptionist: “NO! What’s your surname?”

Me: “It’s [name].”

Receptionist: “You come on Tuesday.”

Me: “Okay. Can you tell me how long the process will take? Is it five minutes, or—”

Receptionist: “NO! She has to explain to you the rules, and you need time for questions. NO! It will not take five minutes.”

Me: “So… maybe fifteen minutes?”

(Suddenly, the receptionist becomes strangely calm.)

Receptionist: “Yes, fifteen minutes should do it!”

Supervisor: “You are aware of the dress code, right? No flip-flops, no t-shirts with offensive pictures or slogans, nothing torn or dirty, and nothing too short or revealing.”

Me: “I… I’m not doing any of these things. Ever.”

Supervisor: “Exactly! You are always so elegant with your black dresses and nice jewelry. I just want to make sure you’re aware that you are allowed jeans and sneakers here. We are not that kind of office!”

(I am trying to get my car tag. I take a number, but since the waiting area is crowded, I sit down just outside the little roped area. Note that it’s close to closing time, and this is the last office open. An employee at a different counter is closing up and starts to yell at me.)

Employee: “We are closing!”

Me: “I know; I’m waiting for the car tag, not for you.”

Employee: “You have to sit there!” *points to the roped area*

Me: “It’s crowded there, and I don’t see that I’m bothering anyone sitting here.”

Employee: “You have to sit there or they won’t call your number!”

Me: “Wait. If I don’t sit there, they won’t call my number? How will they know which number not to call?”

Employee: *stomps off*

(When my son was 18 months old, I went to the passport office to request a passport for him. At that time, the rule was that a doctor needed to validate the identity of the person and certify that he knew the person for two years. I’m at the security guard desk who’s checking my documents.)

Guard: “Who signed the picture?”

Me: “[Doctor's name], a surgeon.”

Guard: “How long has that doctor known the person?”

Me: “Well, my son is 18 months old, so 18 months.”

Guard: “You need someone who knows the person for two years.”

Me: “Well, it’s impossible. My son is 18 months old.”

Guard: “You need to find someone that knows your son for at least two years.”

Me: *giving up* “Okay, then. Dr. [name] has known my son for two years.”

Guard: “Okay, go on to stall #2!”

Related:
Bureau-crazy, Part 3
Bureau-crazy, Part 2
Bureau-crazy