Fulfilling Your Marching Orders

| USA | Coworkers

(My coworker and I are setting up cones in a parking lot.)

Me: “How far does this one need to be?”

Coworker: “60 feet.”

Me: “Got it!” *carefully lines up, and then marches exactly 60 feet before setting the cone down*

Coworker: “We need to measure that! It has to be exactly 60 feet.”

Me: “It is. But I’ll help you measure if you want.”

Coworker: *takes out his tape measure and, with me holding the starting end, checks the distance*

Me: “How much was I off?”

Coworker: *mutters something, then laughs* “Less than an inch.”

Me: “Never again are you allowed to mock marching band. It’s been more than a decade since I graduated, and I can still march a perfect 8 to 5.”


Minimum Wage, Maximum Effort

| ON, Canada | Job Seekers

(I am currently job hunting and am walking down various city streets, dropping off resumés to every business that looks like they might hire me. I walk into a corporate pizza restaurant.)

Me: “Hi there, I was wondering if you might be hiring at the moment.”

Manager: “YES! We are… um, do you have a car and a driver’s license?”

Me: “I do.”

Manager: “Great! We need a driver ASAP. Your orientation is on Tuesday!”

Me: “Um… well, what is the pay?”

Manager: “It’s $7.00.”

(That is absurdly below minimum wage in Canada.)

Me: “Okay… anything I’ll need?”

Manager: “You’ll need a phone, and you should probably get a GPS.”

Me: “Will you be compensating me for any of that?”

Manager: “No.”

Me: “And what about gas?”

Manager: “You pay for the gas. We don’t compensate that either.”

Me: “So you want me to buy a phone, a GPS, and pay for my own gas?”

Manager: “Yup, see you Tuesday!”

(I did the math, and combined with the price hike my insurance would undergo, I would be LOSING money on that job. Needless to say, I didn’t show up on Tuesday.)


Hired And Fired

| USA | Job Seekers

(I am interviewing a young college student for an entry level job. She’s wearing sweatpants and flip flops with a baggy shirt, and her hair’s a mess. Per the rules, we must reject any applicant who comes wearing inappropriate interview attire, even for entry level, so I do. My boss comes over to talk to me a short while later.)

Boss: “About her, did she really look that bad?”

Me: “Well, she looked like she had just rolled out of bed in old wrinkled clothes, and hadn’t bothered to brush her hair or groom at all.”

Boss: “Really? Because her resume is very good. I can’t believe someone with such a great resume would do that.”

Me: “Well, you told me that appearance is important when judging applicants.”

Boss: *snappish* “Yes, I know what I told you, but you should’ve hired her anyway! Did you even look at her resume?”

(Long story short, he overrode me, hired her anyway, and fired me… for following HIS rule! Idiocy must be a prerequisite for bosses.)


Maybe The Operator Was Young

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | Employees, Ignoring & Inattentive

(My father and I are driving home one night when he sees a driver driving erratically down the road. He is concerned that there is an accident risk, so he calls 911 using the car’s phone linkup. Note for the record that my father used to be a cops reporter and is very familiar with emergency services.)

Operator: “911, what is your emergency?”

Father: “I’m driving down [Street] and there’s another car swerving on and off the road and between lanes. I think the driver might be drunk. It’s a black [Brand] SUV, license plate [Numbers] WVY; William Victor Young.”

Operator: “You know this person? How long have you known Mr. Young?”

Father: “Really?”

(To our knowledge, they never did catch that driver!)


Even The Dog Would Have Got It By Now

| LaMarque, TX, USA | Language & Words

(I am the customer and I have to set-up an appointment for my new dog to get spayed, micro-chipped, and caught up on current vaccinations. In order to set-up the appointment, the clerk needs my dog’s name and other information.)

Clerk #1: “What is your dog’s name?”

Me: “Patience.”

Clerk #1: “Payton?”

Me: “No, Patience.”

Clerk #1: “Patient?”


Clerk #1: *still confused* “Can you give me a sentence with it?”

Me: “Okay, you know how when you talk to someone and you have PATIENCE with them?”

Clerk #2: *towards [Clerk #1]* “It’s what he is having with you right now.”

(Clerk #2, Clerk #3, I, and the other ten customers begin to laugh hysterically.)

Clerk #1: *embarrassed* “OH!, PATIENCE! Oh, my god, I’m so sorry.”

Me: “It’s all right.”

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