1. No, I won’t sign this birthday card because I have no idea who the hell it’s for. I will, however, have some cake.
2. Don’t ask me “How are you?” on a Monday morning. I will tell you the truth.
3. You’re about as useful as a delete button on a typewriter.
4. The only time we will see eye-to-eye, is when I come over to you, look you dead in the eyes, and tell you “we will never see eye-to-eye.”
5. You’re a special kind of stupid, aren’t you?
6. Did you fall off the idiot tree and hit every branch on the way down?
7. Is it possible to block you in real life?
8. It’s like your brain is a printer and there’s always a paper-jam.
9. Bad things happen to good people. I know because you happened to me.
10. Either you start taking your meds, or I am going to.
11. I see you talking, but all I can hear is my internal screaming.
12. There is no ‘I’ in team. But there is no ‘U’ either.
13. You make me want to be a better person, because the person I am right now will go to prison for killing you.
14. All emails from you end up in that special place in my inbox reserved for destitute Nigerian princes and cheap Canadian drugs.
15. I never knew what love was until I met you, because I absolutely LOVE it when you’re not here.
16. If you talk to me while I am on lunch, not even your family will be spared.
17. I feel myself getting dumber just breathing the same air as you.
18. Thank you for confirming that evolution isn’t true for all of us.
19. I’m going to give you a task, and I have faith that you will do an absolutely wonderful job. Ready for it? Here it is: Go away.
20. It’s not that your lights are on but no one is home. It’s more you’re home, but the lights blew your fuse a long time ago.
21. It’s hard to believe you were the sperm that made it.
22. If I stand close enough to you, I can hear the ocean.
23. Your IQ is missing a couple of letters.
24. Do the office blondes tell stupid jokes about you?
25. When you wash both your ears is it called vacuum cleaning?
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