Category: Liars/Scammers


How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 16

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Liars/Scammers

(I’d been receiving a series of scam phone calls asking for access to my infected Windows PC. I only have a Mac! One day, I finally have enough.)

Caller: “Hello, I am with Computer Security. We have detected a virus on your PC computer. Please follow my instructions so we can fix the problem.”

Me: “A virus? Oh, no! That sounds serious. Okay, what do I do?”

Caller: “Are you at your computer?”

Me: “No, let me walk over there.”

(I wait two minutes, just sitting in my chair.)

Me: “Okay, I’m at my computer.”

Caller: “Now, click on the Start Menu.”

Me: “My computer is off.”

Caller: “Turn it on, please.”

(I wait three minutes, just sitting in my chair.)

Me: “Okay, it’s on.”

Caller: “Click the Start menu.”

Me: “Start, start, start. Hmm. Looking… Looking…”

(The call goes along this way, and with each step I gradually slow down more and more. I also start to throw random nonsense words into my replies:)

Me: “I’m at the start menu. I type fluffin now?”

Caller: “I will tell you the command. Are you ready?”

Me: “Oh, type I fluffin. Barg.”

(I gradually pick up a sing-song tone until I’m sounding more like the Swedish Chef than myself.)

Me: “Floofin flargin byargin!”

(At long last, after several minutes of attempting to get me to follow his instructions, the scam caller loses his patience. I’ll never forget his parting words:)

Caller: “You are WASTING my TIME!”


How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 15
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 14
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 13


How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 15

| NY, USA | Liars/Scammers

(I work from home when I get a phone call.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: *VERY thick accent* “Hi, yes, this is the American Lottery Service calling in regards to—”

Me: “Wait, wait. Who? WHO with the Lottery Service?”

Caller: “Yes, ma’am, the American—”

Me: “No, YOUR name. What is your name?”

Caller: *pause* “Uh. Rashid. I am calling with—”

Me: “Rashid, which floor are you on?”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “Which floor? I also work at the lottery service; it’s so funny you called.”

Caller: *stumbling* “Oh, you… you also work for the Lottery Service. That is good. I am calling to—”

Me: “No, Rashid. Calm down, man. You called the wrong number. We can’t win anything since we work here. You must have forgotten.”

Caller: “I.. uh… yes, ma’am, but you—”

Me: “Hey, no big deal, bud. Let me know what floor you’re on and I’ll hop up and show you how to check things against the database.”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “I’ll come up and show you. What floor?”

(He hung up.)

How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 14
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 13
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 12


How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 12

| England, UK | Employees, Liars/Scammers

(I get a call from a very persistent telemarketer whilst at work.)

Me: “[Company], how may I help you?”

Telemarketer: “Hello, madam. My name is [Telemarketer]. Is this the business owner?”

Me: “No. She’s not in right now. May I take a message?”

Telemarketer: “When will she be in?”

Me: “I’m not sure.”

Telemarketer: “Okay, madam. Then can you give me her mobile number and I can call her?”

Me: “No. I do not have permission to hand out her mobile number to you.”

Telemarketer: “Well, if you give me her number I can call her and get permission.”

Me: “What? No. I told you I can’t give you her number!”

Telemarketer: “Madam, just give me her number. I can ask permission after I have called her.”

Me: “Ask me one more time and I’m hanging up!”

Telemarketer: “Madam, I just want her number.”

Me: “Aaaaand goodbye!”

How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 11
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 10
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 9


A Disservice To Service Dogs

| Niagara, ON, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Liars/Scammers, Pets & Animals

(I have a service dog, for psychiatric reasons. I’m not blind, though most people seem to think eye-seeing dogs are the only service dogs out there. Thus, my life gets harder sometimes… Like while on vacation…)

Me: *with my dog by my side* “Hi, checking in for [Last Name]…”


Me: “Well, she’s not a pet…”

Motel Guy: “NO PETS!” *yells something in a language I don’t understand to a woman in a back room*

Motel Lady: “Hi, yes, no pets here!”

Me: “She’s a service dog… We prepaid…”

(I starting to have a panic attack come on, but I try to keep it together.)

Motel Guy: “I’ll call the booking company…”

(I text my husband who is outside in the car with the baby, and ask if he can switch spots with me. Unfortunately the baby is crying and so he took him for a ride around the block.)

Motel Guy: “They say I need to let you stay. So the fee, for staying… plus a $300 deposit…”

Me: “What? We pre-paid, online…”

(At this point my husband pulls back up to the office.)

Me: “I’ll let my husband talk to you…”

(The next part, I am not present for; I run back to the car with my dog in tow, wishing I could hide under a table.)

Husband: “Would you refuse a wheelchair to someone that needed one? Because she NEEDS her dog. You can’t charge a FEE to someone who needs a fridge to store their medication, can you?”

Motel Guy: “I will make it only a $50 deposit…”

Husband: “No. I’ll be calling the booking site to cancel this, and if you manage to weasel a CENT out of us, we’ll sue.”

(Not only did the booking site refund us, but they gave us a credit, AND found us a nicer hotel for the same cost we had put up for that place, on a busy weekend. Sometimes, the good guys DO win!)


I Tire Of These Scams

| England, UK | Employees, Liars/Scammers, Transportation

(I am a fairly new driver and quite young. I have a good little car; nothing special, but good enough. I take it to the garage after I had problems going into gears and reversing and know it is the clutch.)

Me: “Hi. I’ve come to pick up my cat. It’s the Fiat.”

Auto Guy: “All right, we’ve had a look at it and found a few problems with it. Obviously the clutch is gone so that’ll need replacing. I’ve also found out that your offside tyres need replacing now. They’re worn down to the legal limit. Also your power-steering has completely gone so that needs work.”

Me: “Okay. So what’s the bill?”

Auto Guy: “It’ll be about £500, plus labour.”

Me: “All right. I just have one question.”

Auto Guy: “Sure?”

Me: “How can my power-steering be faulty when the car doesn’t even have power-steering?”

(I took my car plus their list of “faults” to another garage. Got my clutch and a few other very minor problems fixed for about £150, and my tyres didn’t need doing until almost a year later!)

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