Two friends and I were taking market surveys over twenty years ago, back when they did them in person and you got cash in hand.

We were doing surveys on a perfume bottle shape, and the surveyor asked the next question on the list:

Surveyor: “Would you call this bottle a phallic shape?”

[Friend #1] and I started howling. Then, we had to explain to the innocent [Friend #2] what that meant.

Did I mention that my friends and I were all female and [Surveyor] was male?

I felt bad for [Surveyor]. I knew him fairly well — we’d chat when things were slow at our respective jobs in the mall — and he was a genuinely nice guy.

Incidentally, I did see that brand of perfume for sale eventually. The bottle was the same color but a different shape.

Our entire department was laid off. Two months later, I got a phone call from the manager who was suspiciously the only worker from our department retained.

Manager: “We’re having issues with the inventory system.”

Me: “I’m not surprised. That’s a customised system I built for my team over several years.”

Manager: “I didn’t know that. You didn’t train me how to work it.”

Me: “Our entire team was told at 10:00 am two months ago that we were to be out of the office forever by that afternoon. Not a lot of time for training.”

Manager: “Can you come back?”

Me: “What’s the offer?”

Manager: “Contract position.”

Me: “Pay?”

Manager: “[Same rate of pay].”

Me: “Benefits?”

Manager: “Umm…”

Me: “You ask anyone else on the team yet?”

Manager: “Yes.”

Me: “Anyone else accept yet?”

Manager: “Umm…”

Me: “Then you know my answer.”

We’d all found better jobs by then! I heard my old manager was also let go a couple of weeks later.

This happened in the 1950s. My grandfather Al was an abusive jacka** but was also an excellent auto mechanic. When other mechanics couldn’t figure out the problem, they’d tell their customers to take their car to Al. He’d fix the problem, but he’d yell at the customer for not doing the required maintenance or some other infraction.

One day, a woman pulled up to the garage. The car battery kept dying. She’d had the battery, alternator, and countless other parts replaced by other mechanics to no avail.

Grandpa walked around the back of the car, opened the trunk, twisted the metal bracket holding the trunk light in place, and then closed the trunk.

Grandpa: “Problem fixed, no charge.”

The woman burst into tears.

Back in those days, the trunk light turned off and on via a mercury switch — a little glass vial with wires and a blob of mercury. When you opened the trunk, the vial tilted and the mercury contacted the wires, creating an electrical connection and turning the light on. The bracket holding the vial was bent, so the light was always on, draining the battery.

I order some pizza online. They have to call me to tell me that they are out of certain crusts and certain toppings. I can detect hesitation in the woman’s voice when she calls me, but I am completely civil and nice about everything, which I can tell relaxes her a lot.

Worker: “Oh, since I have you, there’s a promo code for a free bottle of soda and pizza that could be applied to your order. Would you like to use it?”

Me: “I don’t know that code.”

Worker: “I got you. What soda and pizza do you want?”

I thanked her and told her what I wanted. She put it in, and when my order arrived, I even got an extra order of chicken wings and more sauces.

Being a decent human being pays off!

I had a contracting gig with a large financial services company. My little group was part of a much bigger department that generated the annual tax forms. They were incredibly busy from January 2 through April. The guy who ran the department issued an edict that everyone had to put in ten hours each day and work Saturdays if necessary.

Office Manager: “Why do you and your team leave every day at 5:00 pm?”

Me: “Our group has nothing to do with the tax statements. We’re all done by 5:00.”

Office Manager: “The rest of the office is complaining when you’re all seen leaving at 5:00 pm. It would be better if you stayed late, as well.”

Me: “Are you asking or telling?”

Office Manager: “Telling.”

Me: “Does that apply to me and the other contractors?”

Office Manager: “Everyone. No exceptions.”

We were happy to do so since we were being paid by the hour. When we submitted our invoice for January, [Officer Manager] almost wet his pants and decided that the overtime rule didn’t apply to us.