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Doesn’t Come In The Package Deal

| DC, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Lazy/Unhelpful

(I am home expecting an important package in the mail. The mailman walks up and puts a “sorry we missed you” slip in the box, instead of the package he’s holding.)

Me: “I’m here. I’ll take that.”

Mailman: “I don’t give out packages.”

Me: “What?”

Mailman: “I don’t give out packages. I give out these. You can take this to the main desk and get this package.” *proceeds to copy information onto the claim slip from the front of the package*

Me: “But I’m here. I’m waiting for it. I’m here to collect it. Just put the package in the mailbox, if nothing else.”

Mailman: “Sorry, I don’t give packages.”

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This Counsellor Has Balls

| USA | Awesome Workers, Health & Body

(I go to counseling for personal issues. My counselor is an older man who speaks in a monotone voice that gives one the impression that he has a dry sense of humor. After a few months of therapy, I am beginning to feel really comfortable around him and open up a bit more.)

Me: “I don’t know. I sometimes feel like because I made that mistake, that I am not worthy of love.”

Counselor: “[My Name], it really pains me to hear you be so negative about yourself all of the time. You have a lot of great qualities, but you seem to focus only on the things that went wrong. I have an idea…”

(He opens a drawer in his desk, revealing a plethora of foam stress balls. He takes one out and throws it at me, hitting me in the shoulder. My jaw drops.)

Counselor: “Any time you say something negative about yourself, I am going to throw one of these at you… and I have about twenty or thirty in this drawer.

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Strepped For Excuses

| VA, USA | Employees, Health & Body, Ignoring & Inattentive

(I go to the university health center suffering from a severe sore throat. I’m fairly certain that it is a strep infection, as I’ve had it before and recognize the symptoms, and know that I will need to be prescribed antibiotics to cure it.)

Me: *barely able to speak* “I think that I have strep throat. My throat is incredibly sore and painful, my tonsils are inflamed and have white streaks, and my lymph nodes are really swollen.”

Nurse: “Let’s run a pregnancy test first. You can go in to this bathroom.”

Me: “No. No, thank you. That’s not necessary. It’s my throat that’s bothering me.”

Nurse: “You should take one anyway.”

Me: “Um, no, I won’t. Can you please check my throat? I get strep regularly, and I think it’s back.”

Nurse: “Fine. Open your mouth.” *barely glances in my mouth* “It’s likely a sexually transmitted disease. First we’ll test for—”

Me: “What?! No, it’s not! Please, can you just do the strep test?”

Nurse: “Don’t be embarrassed. STDs happen in college. Here’s a pamphlet on safe sex. I’ll be right back…”

Me: “WOAH, listen, lady. I’m sure you do see a lot of STDs in here. But considering that I’ve never even seen a d***, much less had one in or around me, I suggest you stop wasting both of our time and give me a strep test!”

(Surprise, surprise, it was indeed strep!)

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Time To Show Him The Door(stop)

| CA, USA | Employees, Ignoring & Inattentive

(I work as a support staff in a special education class. It is winter the heater in our classroom has broken, leaving the students and staff alike very uncomfortable. The teacher filed a maintenance request. The next day, I notice a district repair man walking up to the classroom, and step outside to speak with him.)

Me: “You must be here to fix the heater!”

Worker: “Huh? Your heater isn’t working? Well, I’m here to fix something much more important. I heard your doorstop has broken!”

(Sure enough, he pulls out tools to begin to fix our doorstop… a maintenance request we put in at least a month ago. As he’s leaving, he adds:)

Worker: “That’s a nice coat, by the way.”

Me: “Oh, thank you.”

Worker: “Guess you’ll be wearing it all day! Ha ha!”

Me: “…”

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Putting It Bluntly

| VA, USA | Bosses & Owners, Language & Words

Man Checking Out: “Sir, do you have [type of cheap cigar product]?”

Cashier: “I’m not sure. Let me check.” *yells out to middle-aged manager across the aisle to see if they carry that product*

Manager: “No, but we have blunts… Oh, I mean, we have cigarillos!”

Cashier: *trying to keep a straight face as the man is asking for a different product*

Me: *trying so hard not to burst out laughing*