And Don’t Even Get Me Started On What They Did To The Fava Beans

| BC, Canada | Employees, Food & Drink, Funny Names

(My mother and I are in one of the dozen liquor stores that serves our small town looking for a specific type of red wine. We can’t seem to find it so we ask a staff member who is stocking shelves.)

Me: “Excuse me; do you know where your Chianti is?”

Staff: “What?”

Me: “Chianti.”

Mom: “It’s red wine.”

(The staff member goes to the tills and asks for help. She returns and leads us to the right section.)

Staff: “It’s actually ‘chee-auntie.'”

(I grimace at my mother.)

Mom: “No, it’s actually Chianti.” *key-anty*

Staff: “The girls corrected me…”

Mom: “It’s Chianti.”

(I find the bottle we want and the staff member wanders off. I turn to Mom.)

Me: “They really need to watch Silence of the Lambs.”


Putting The ‘D’ Into DeLorean

| Ashford, Kent, UK | Coworkers, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

(I am on my break with a coworker. My mobile phone receives a text – my text alert is the sonic booms that the DeLorean time machine makes when entering a new time period in the “Back to the Future” trilogy. My coworker hears the phone noise.)

Coworker: “What on earth is that noise?”

(I explain. She gives me a blank look.)

Me: “Have you seen the Back to the Future trilogy?”

Coworker: “No, not my sort of thing at all.”

(Fair enough. How boring if we all liked the same things, but then…)

Coworker: “I would rather watch a porn movie!”

Me: “…”


A Victim Of His Baggage Issues

| Manchester, England, UK | At The Checkout, Employees

(I am using the self-checkout machine. I have scanned my loyalty card, and the machine asks if I have my own bag. I click ‘yes’ that I have two bags. One is a cloth shopping bag, but the rest of the shopping is in my rather large handbag. I collect my receipt and start to leave.)

Assistant: “Just so you know, we can see how many bags you click and how many you actually use.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Assistant: “You said you have two bags.”

Me: “I do…”

Assistant: “And you only have one.”

Me: “I used my satchel.”

Assistant: “That’s a handbag; it doesn’t count.”

Me: “But I put shopping in it.”

Assistant: “It doesn’t count.”

Me: “By using it I didn’t pick up a plastic bag when my other one was full.”

Assistant: “It doesn’t count.”

Me: “Even though I’m using it as a bag?”

Assistant: “It doesn’t count.”

Me: “I’ll… remember in future?”

Assistant: “We can see your bags. Just put the real number in next time.”

(The kicker is that each point is worth such a tiny amount that I’d have had to be going in daily with dozens of non-existent bags to get any value from pretending.)