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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Lobotomy Monotony

    | USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Top

    (In spite of the fact that I have a cell-phone, I get a ton of telemarketing calls. I always ask them not to call back, but they continue.)

    Telemarketer: “Hello, I’m calling from [Law Firm] about a class-action lawsuit. Have you recently had a surgery you needed denied?”

    Me: “You know it’s illegal for lawyers to solicit services, right?”

    Telemarketer: “But, ma’am, isn’t there any surgery you need but haven’t been able to get approved by your insurance?”

    Me: “Actually, now that I think about it, I really could use a lobotomy and a boob job.”

    Telemarketer: “Excellent! At [Law Firm] we specialize in getting you services you need. So about your lobotomy—”

    Me: “Hey, think about what I said.”

    Telemarketer: “You said you needed a lobotomy?”

    Me: “Sounds like you had one if you don’t know what it is…”

    Telemarketer: “…”

    Me: “Think about it.”

    Telemarketer: “F*** you, b****!”


    (He hung up, and then started calling me from his PERSONAL cell to abuse me… until I turned his number over to the police. I have yet to be bothered by a telemarketer since!)

    No Sale Means No Sale

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bosses & Owners, Criminal/Illegal, Employees

    (I enter a jewellery and accessories store to purchase cheap jewellery for a craft project. There are jewellery sale signs plastered everywhere advertising 30% off. I choose a pair of earrings and take them to the cashier.)

    Me: “Hi. Can you please tell me how much these are with the discount.”

    Cashier: “Those aren’t on sale.”

    Me: “But I got them from under the sale sign.”

    Cashier: “No. Only those in that cabinet are on sale.” *points to one small cabinet on opposite side of the wall*

    Me: “But the signs are everywhere, stating all jewellery is discounted. It’s not legal.”

    Cashier: “Sorry, it’s my first day and I keep getting complaints. I’ve called the owner so many times. She refuses to do anything because she says that only the items in that cabinet are jewellery and everything else in the shop is accessories.”

    Me: “Okay. Not your fault, but I won’t be buying today on principle”.

    Not Quite Up To Speed

    | PA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Transportation

    (I’m driving the speed limit on a major road when a cop car, which had been parked on the median, swoops out behind me and turns its lights on. I pull over thinking that I must have a taillight out. I open the window and wait for the police officer to approach.)

    Me: “What’s the problem, officer?”

    Cop: “You looked like you were going pretty fast back there.”

    Me: “What? I was going the speed limit. What did you clock me at?”

    Cop: “Well, I didn’t have my radar on but you looked like you were going fast.”

    Me: “Wait, what? You didn’t even clock me? What cause do you have to pull me over, then?”

    Cop: *realizing he’s made an unlawful stop* “Uh…never mind. Just slow down! *starts jogging back to his patrol car*

    Me: *shouting after him* “Hey! HEY! I WANT YOUR BADGE NUMBER!”

    (The cop jumped in his car and tore off WAY over the speed limit with his lights on.)

    Security Going All ‘Full Metal Jacket’

    | Orange County, CA, USA | Coworkers, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (A mother and father are helping their young daughter put on her hoodie jacket before leaving the store.)

    Security Guard: “Folks, can I just see your receipt real quick?”

    Father: *handing over the receipt* “Sure, here you go.” *turns back to helping his daughter*

    Security Guard: “No, I need to see the receipt for the jacket.”

    Father: “But we came in with this jacket.”

    Security Guard: “So, if I go into the family restroom I won’t find the tags to that jacket in the garbage?”

    Mother: “NO! We came in with this jacket. It’s not even a jacket from this store.”

    (At this point the guard insists the little girl take her jacket off so he can examine the brand label.)

    Security Guard: “Well, now I know you’re lying. If this isn’t from our store then why does the label show our brand?”

    Father: “It came from [Competitor]. You don’t even sell this brand!”

    Security Guard: “[Store] has something called ‘owned brands’ which means we’re the only ones that sell certain brands. This is our brand. There’s no way this came from [Competitor]. You want to try this again, or should we check the surveillance video and call the police?”

    Father: *getting visibly angry* “WE ARE NOT SHOPLIFTERS. CHECK YOUR D*** VIDEO!”

    Security Guard: “You know what? Just go to the service counter and pay for it and I’ll just let this slide.”

    (The mother must have a light-bulb moment, because before the father can flip out she quickly agrees.)

    Mother: “Okay, okay. We’ll pay for the jacket.”

    (The family comes to my counter, followed by the very smug security guard. They hand the jacket over to me and ask if I’m able to ring it up.)

    Me: “I’d like to help you, but this is obviously old and worn. Not to mention it’s not even from [Store]. This is [Competitor]‘s brand.”

    Security Guard: “This is ours. I buy this brand here all the time for my girls.”

    Me: “Even if this were ours, I doubt we would have sold a jacket with stains. Plus we don’t sell this brand.”

    (This unfortunately goes on for several minutes, the guard insisting that the family had stolen it. Finally, fed up, the family leaves the hoodie at my counter and storms out. Later that day a lead finds the jacket under my counter.)

    Lead: “Does this need to go to lost and found?”

    Me: “No. [Security Guard] ‘busted’ a family shoplifting it.”

    Lead: “… but we don’t sell [Brand]. How were they stealing it if it’s not ours?”

    Me: “I don’t know. Ask [Security Guard].”

    (She calls the guard over to ask him what happened. He recounts the story, pretty much exactly as it happened, only completely oblivious to his mistake.)

    Lead: “You know this isn’t our brand, right? Plus it’s totally trashed. Who the h*** would buy a nasty, worn sweat shirt like this? Let alone steal it?”

    Security Guard: “…”

    Lead: “So, let me see if I understand. You stopped a family for shoplifting a shirt that didn’t come from our store, is obviously old, and made a little girl leave without her jacket?”

    Security Guard: “Well, how was I supposed to know?!” *turns to me* “Why didn’t you tell me?”

    Me: “Seriously?”

    Would Have Mismanaged The Situation

    | USA | Bizarre/Silly, Bosses & Owners, Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (Last night, I had to call the police on someone who was drunk and streaking around scaring little children. My manager isn’t too happy. I’m a female.)

    Manager: “Did you really have to call the police on this boy?”

    Me: “Yes. He tried to grab me and security wouldn’t do anything.”

    Manager: “It’s still a little dramatic to call the cops and arrest him. His parents are angry now.”

    Me: “Plus, this boy was 18 and shouldn’t have been drinking anyway.”

    Manager: “Boys will be boys. Next time just handle it yourself, okay?”

    Me: “Me against a full grown adult ‘boy.’ I don’t think so.”

    Manager: “Tch. Girls.”

    (The manager started to say something else but the general manager called for him sternly. He told my manager to shut up.)

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