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  • Swearing You Into A Job
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  • Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Brunch Time Crunch Time

    | USA | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    (Recently my restaurant has been really struggling to make a profit. We have a decent amount of customers but we never are able to break even. In an attempt to come up with ideas to increase our profits I call a team meeting with all the staff.)

    Me: “Hey, everyone. Turns out we haven’t been hitting out goals for the month. Does anyone have any ideas on how we could bring in more customers?”

    Waitress: “We could put a big sign out to advertise more.”

    Me: “A good idea, but unfortunately we don’t really have the funds to get said big sign.”

    Chef #1: “We could maybe use cheaper food?”

    Chef #2: “Nah, we don’t want people to think we’re too cheap to give them good food.”

    (A few more ideas were pitched out with no luck.)

    Waitress: “I know it seems mean, but maybe we could skip next Monday’s charity brunch.”

    Me: “Haha! We’re not even open on Monday.”

    Chef #1: “Yeah, we are. We always do the charity brunch.”

    Me: “Nice joke guys, but I know we aren’t open on Monday.”

    (They weren’t joking. As it turns out my now ex-assistant restaurant manager was claiming to be the owner to their friends and would open my restaurant every Monday to give their friends free brunch!)

    The Price Isn’t Right

    | MO, USA | Coworkers, Criminal/Illegal, Money

    (While the store manager is away on vacation, the owner of the group of stores is sitting at his desk, which is on a platform that gives complete views of the store. In the past, my fellow counter rep and I have noticed the store manager and a few customers making some odd comings and goings to an always-locked store room. A customer comes up to the counter.)

    Customer: “I need one of those linear amplifiers from the back room. I get ‘[Store Manager]‘s price.’”

    (The owner gets up, comes down to our area and says:)

    Owner: “Tell me more about ‘[Store Manager]‘s price.’”

    (The store manager’s return from vacation was awe-inspiring to watch.)

    Scripted Unencrypted

    | New York, NY, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (The night before, I had received a very scary obscene phone call from someone who proved he knew my name and address, and then made a bunch of very graphic threats of sexual assault. I’d already called the police, who advised me to try to have the phone company trace the call. Unfortunately, I can’t find any kind of customer relations number. I have to call the main customer service number, which has an automated voicemail that won’t let me progress unless I choose from a list about what the call is about. I pick ‘sales’ because I don’t know what else to do and figure it’d be answered fastest.)

    Service Rep: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you?”

    Me: “Yeah, listen. This actually isn’t a sales call, I just couldn’t find any other number and was hoping you could transfer me. I needed to speak with someone about tracing a call for the police.”

    Service Rep: “Um… So, this isn’t…?”

    Me: “No. Listen, I know you have a script you need to follow, but this is different. I had this really scary phone call from a guy who made threats. The police told me to call you and have you trace the number. But I couldn’t find a number for that department, only the main number, so I need you to just transfer me. Please don’t bother with the sales stuff, just transfer me to the right department.”

    Service Rep: “Wow, I’m sorry to hear that. So, you need me to—”

    Me: “I need you to transfer me to the department that handles phone traces. I have the case number from the police department and everything, I just need to talk to the right person. You don’t need to take the number or anything. I’m just kind of shaken up and wanna take care of this. Please, just transfer the call.”

    Service Rep: “Okay, I can transfer you. But I don’t get it. You called the sales office.”

    Me: “Yes. That’s because I couldn’t find the right number and the main number was all I could dial. I didn’t know what else do to. Please, just transfer me.”

    Service Rep: “Okay… but before I do, can I tell you about our new long distance package?”

    Police Work Is Child’s Play, Part 3

    | Miami, FL, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees

    (I am with my boyfriend at a hotel, checking ourselves in. I am 21 and he is 23. I also have to list my date of birth to check with security details. I am average size.)

    Receptionist: “Okay. Is this your date of birth?”

    Me: “Yeah.”

    (The receptionist looks bewildered, but still lists it down and gives us a key. We’re unpacking in the room when the door is banged on rather loudly.)

    Boyfriend: “I’ll answer.”

    (He opens and two burly security guards answer. One of them stands right in front of my boyfriend while the other comes to me.)

    Security Guard #1: “[Boyfriend's Name]?”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah?”

    Security Guard #1: “I need to see you. Now.”

    (My boyfriend gets taken out of the room as the second security guard sits down on my boyfriend’s bed and talks to me. I am extremely nervous and concerned.)

    Me: “Where’s my boyfriend going?”

    Security Guard #2: “Manager’s office. The receptionist needs to identify him and then the police are coming. Now, we need your parents’ number. Do you know it?”

    Me: “Listen, what exactly are you asking for? What’s he done wrong?”

    Security Guard #2: “We just need some confirmation. The receptionist said you gave your date of birth.”

    Me: “Yeah. I’m 21.”

    Security Guard #2: *surprised* “Really?”

    (He gets a walkie-talkie radio out. I can hear what’s on the other end.)

    Security Guard #2: “Er, [Manager], how old EXACTLY did [Receptionist] say she was?”

    Manager: “She said 11.”

    Security Guard #2: “Well, I’ve got a young woman here who looks 18 at the least.”

    Manager: “[Receptionist], how old is she?”

    Receptionist: “She put her year of birth as 1992! That’s 11 years ago!”

    Manager: “That’s 21 years ago! How ON EARTH could you think a 21-YEAR-OLD WOMAN was 11? To make this even more stupid, the boyfriend had to write his year of birth down, too!”

    Me: “Seriously?”

    (When we get downstairs, I see the receptionist looking VERY embarrassed and the manager frowning. My boyfriend is blushing.)

    Security Guard #2: “[Receptionist]? You know every guest booking in writes their date of birth. That guy is not much older, so why would you think they BOTH put children’s ages?”

    Receptionist: “I thought he was trying to trick me.”

    (I almost laugh, since my boyfriend is over six feet, has a few days’ growth of beard and an incredibly deep voice. The manager is just so glad he wasn’t involved in a molestation ring or anything so he didn’t charge us for that night!)

    Police Work Is Child’s Play, Part 2
    Police Work Is Child’s Play

    Police Work Is Child’s Play, Part 2

    | Ashland, OH, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Love/Romance

    (I am in a retail store with my boyfriend looking for something for my 25th birthday. We are holding hands most of the time. At the till, I see a cashier watching us.)

    Cashier: “Okay. That’s $10.” *my boyfriend pays* “Thanks.”

    Me: “[Boyfriend], I feel tired. Can we go to the car?”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah. Of course, sweetie.”

    (He goes. I see the cashier smiling at me.)

    Cashier: “You want to buy anything else? Make-up? Music CDs? There’s some skinny jeans 70 percent off.”

    Me: “No, thanks. My boyfriend and I just want to go.”

    Cashier: “Boyfriend?”

    Me: “Yeah?” *nervous* “Are you hitting on me?”

    Cashier: *alarmed* “No! No.”

    (I think nothing of it. A little way down the street I see a police car behind us. My boyfriend pulls over and to our surprise, the car stops behind us.)

    Boyfriend: “Is the tail light out?”

    Officer #1: “Sir, could you step out, please?”

    Boyfriend: *confused* “Sure.”

    Officer #2: *to me* “I just need your name, miss.”

    Me: “What’s going on? I promise, we weren’t drinking or anything, I just want to know why my boyfriend’s been pulled over.”

    Officer #2: “It’s nothing to worry about. You’re safe.”

    Me: “Wait, what—”

    Officer #3: “[Officer #1]!”

    (I see out the rear mirror the officer has picked up our shopping. Inside the shopping bag are magazines, both fashion and car, alcohol, little packets of cookies, cookie mix, and condoms. Also inside are some birthday candles, which the officer is holding. I hear the first officer shout at my boyfriend, but I can hardly work any out.)

    Officer #1: “YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER! Get in the car now!”

    Boyfriend: “Look, I…”

    Officer #1: “DO YOU REALISE HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU’RE IN? I’m taking your phone and when we get to your house. We’re taking your laptop and any other evidence at the house. We also need to contact this girl’s parents. If they’re covering for you, that’s sick.”

    Me: *to officer #2* “What’s going on? Why is he being arrested? Has he done something?”

    Officer #2: “It’s okay now, [my name]. I need to ask you some questions. They may not be nice, but I need an answer.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (I see my boyfriend being taken in the police car and driven away. I begin to get tense and play with my hair.)

    Officer #2: “When’s your birthday?”

    Me: “[Date].”

    Officer #2: “How old are you going to be?”

    Me: “Milestone birthday.”

    Officer #2: “Okay, milestone. So what? 13? 16? 18?”

    Me: “What? 25!”

    Officer #2: “25!” *talks in radio* “Er, [Officer #1], we kind of need to talk.”

    Me: *beginning to realize* “Oh, my God. Look. I can prove it! Here’s my driver’s license. My parents have a ton of photos at home of me in the last five years, and I got my graduate certificate somewhere… Just… who reported it?”

    Officer #2: “A cashier. We got a picture of some girl aged eleven to sixteen, hard to tell in that bomber jacket, being taken out by a man in his late twenties, early thirties. Plus, what we found in the shopping bag…”

    Me: “Oh, God. I feel soooo bad.”

    (My boyfriend is released from the cells soon after. A couple of days later, I turn 25. I have to say, it was the most embarrassing part of remembering how old I really am!)

    Police Work Is Child’s Play

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